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Critical Analysis #2
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"CAUTION: WET PAINT"
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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"CAUTION: WET PAINT" |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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You the freshly painted wall still drying still aromatic in the chemical sense and I the small child too young to know that I could smudge and smear you look at you now ten years later you talk more and say so much less. I was too young. if only I could have read the signs. PW-08 [This message has been edited by viking_metal (09-02-2008 10:28 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi viking_metal, technically you have a sonnet , the only one absolute rule about a sonnet is the fourteen lines. I know this may start an argument, but all I know is what I see on Jeopardy. The third stanza is it speaking of the child or the wall ? Of course its the child walls don’t talk. I was thinking of the cliché ~ If those walls could only talk~ I don’t guess I helped much, I never do, but at least you know you wrote a sonnet. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have to wonder by using fourteen lines if I have written a sonnet |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I don’t know Not A Poet, but I don’t think you can call a preposition or a conjunction a line . Because prepositions or conjunctions can’t stand alone. I have to wonder when using fourteen lines could I have written a sonnet |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I wasn't attempting to write in any given format, I guess it just worked out that way. Thanks chopsticks, I'll think about ways to make things a bit less blurry. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
look at you the freshly painted windowsill still drying still aromatic in the chemical sense look at me just a tender child too young to know that I could smudge and smear you looking at you now ten years later dried and aged with my faithful little fingerprints I was too young to read the big yellow signs. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Viking_metal, I didn’t think you were, but I didn’t know. Here is a sentence from an article I am reading : “ Today’s sonnet can often only be identified by the ghost imprint that haunts it, recognizable by the presence of 14 lines.” I like your rewrite. Mañana |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
When you changed the third stanza it changed the entire feel of the piece. It was detached and resigned. Now it has the juxtaposed image of someone who is 10 years older, but still has a child's view. I'm not sure I like it. I enjoyed the blase(sp?) nature of the original. Good on you, mate. Dane |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Grahrrrrrr. Hm. More thinking, I shall do. Yoda out. |
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Boshii2 Member
since 2009-02-01
Posts 146 |
see ! dont let 'em muck you up |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi metal, some poems are deep, some are funny, some have soul ,some are mysterious , but this one has heart . I think there is a wall somewhere that a mother hopes that they will never paint. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-04-2009 10:34 AM).] |
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