»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Born To Sail
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Born To Sail |
|
|
BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Moonbeam and BobK, here is my first attempt at free verse. It is a try. Shipmates, a story I rehearse to you About Skip B. J., wall-eyed, wearing a beard With whetting whiskers. He a cheat, bought cheap, Brived shiftless souls to sail with barroom saints. The christened ship, "Way-Out", longed moored in dreams, While Skip dined and brewed: "My view's the shoreline And dry lands wet with brimming drums of rum On tap, while lost in night's benumbed moonshine." Moored! "Way-Out" scorched by sun! Impish outburst Chained the cowed crew to concrete, each choice cast. All played the game except a lonely one, "Way-Out!" She tossed awaiting maiden rites! "Ole" B. J. died! A skipper born of brawn Commanded: "Christened "Way-Out" was born and bred To sail!" With mooring lines cut, sails unfurled, And winds obeying, the enslaved ship ... sailed! |
||
| © Copyright 2008 BROTHER JOHN - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Thank you, Brother John. I confess to enjoying a lot about this, though it's not free verse so much as blank verse. Each line was pentameter—five feet—with one possible exception, while free verse doesn't necessarily need to follow such a pattern. I say this not in an effort to get you to change what you're doing metrically, simply to help you keep your terms straight. Nothing helps you get the distinctions as well as writing them. Blank verse was what most of Shakespeare's plays were written in, and what most of Milton's work was written in as well. It's a noble measure. Yours is very creative, and makes use of a lot of internal work, alliteration and half rhyme. You should be pleased with yourself here. It's not terribly regular, and in fact has something in common with some of the wonderful work by the Jesuit Gerard Manley Hopkins, who I think you probably shouldn't read yet, simply because he is so overwhelming and moving and his themes are religious, and the lure would probably be hard for you to resist right now. Thank you so much for allowing me to have a look at this. It feels much less tortured than the sonnets that you were working on. I think that before you try more sonnets and stuff of that sort, you probably need to get some feel for the way that verse unfolds over stanzas and whole poems, and reading other good modern poets would help you almost as much as your continued writing practice. Terrific! |
||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
It's not easy to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Good for you. BJ! |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
BJ Well done! As JM says, it's not always easy to try new things, and as BK says, this is very creative. (Here I must pause just to wrap duck tape round Bob's mouth for mentioning Hopkins!) What you don't need right now are the dual handicaps of religion and sprung rhythm! What you do need imo is a good dose of Sharon Olds. It would do you a lot of good imo to now try to move further away still from the "ancient mariner" style of telling us about "your" (the speaker's) life, towards something more up close and intimate. Sharon is good at that! M |
||
|
BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Moonbeam and Bob K, I thank you both for sticking with me. In a way this poem is my personal journey. I am now seeing the freedom of blank verse. New ideas are coming and the creative juices flowing. Bob, I think I have found the meter problems and I have tried to work them out. A new stanza has been added and I do not think it detracts. If so let me know. Yes, Moonbeam you have been right all along and I am thankful for your guidance and patience. I am going to post a rewrite. I am working now on a new poem in the first person. As I work with it, something mystical is happening to me. BJ |
||
|
BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Jennifer, I am old enough to be your grandfather. Yet, you have taught me by your writings and inspired me with your encouragements. Thanks. BJ |
||
|
BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
A rewrite of "Born To Sail" Shipmates, a story I rehearse to you About Skip B.J., wall-eyed, wore red beard With wetted whiskers. He bought cheaply and Brived shifting souls to sail with barroom saints. The christened ship,"Way-Out," longed moored in dreams While dining Skip brewed: "My view's the shoreline And dry lands wet with brimming drums of rum On tap, while lost in night's benumbed moonshine!" Moored! "Way-Out" scorched by sun! Convulsed outbursts Chained the cowed crew in concrete; each choice cast. All played the game except a loney one, "Way-Out." She tossed awaiting maiden rites! As Skipper B.J. aged, he donned a frock Of monkish gray and preached, "Ye must be filled With spirits, it's inscribed in the Lord's will!" The Rev rocked the docked "Way-Out," bow to stern! "Ole" B.J. died! A skipper birthed of brawn Commanded: "Christened "Way-Out," born and bred To sail!" With moorings cut loose, sails unfurled, And winds obeying . . . the enslaved ship sailed! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
