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On Bourbon Street
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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On Bourbon Street |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
We spoke all night of music, love, and voodoo, Our Bourbon Street moment a whirlwind blur Twisting in circles like the Hurricane or two That made our heads spin and tongues slur. “Rum makes me easy,” I laughed, and your giggle Said, “Good.” That crooked smile crashed against My levees, but Alannah helped me wriggle Off the hook as the cover band dispensed “Black Velvet” from a crowded bar. We danced To the ‘sun setting like molasses in The sky’ and ‘moved so sweet and true’ – Entranced By passionfruit and song, we shed our skin. As midnight’s hands on Bourbon Street unfold, I’m overcome: my levees cannot hold. [This message has been edited by Gabe (08-13-2008 12:40 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Gabe - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Gabe -- This is good work! I'd like to do more with a critique, and will try, but it's midnight and I'm beat. Very fresh, very concrete! Will try to do more. Best, Jimbeaux  |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
yes, quite good. I have a few suggestions to take or leave. [] = remove () = add We spoke [ all night] of music, love, and voodoo, Our Bourbon Street moment a whirlwind blur Twisting in circles like [the] (a) Hurricane or two That made our heads spin and tongues slur. “Rum makes me easy,” I laughed, and your giggle Said, “Good.” That crooked smile crashed against My levees, but Alannah helped me [wriggle Off the hook as the cover band dispensed] (hold with) “Black Velvet” from a crowded bar. We danced To the ‘sun setting like molasses in The sky’ and ‘moved so sweet and true’ – Entranced By passionfruit and song, we shed our skin. As midnight’s hands on Bourbon Street unfold, I’m overcome: my levees cannot hold. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
I do like this poem it has a strong base. the only thing however(that I did not particularly like was these two lines “Rum makes me easy,” I laughed, and your giggle Said, “Good.” not cos of what it says but because of how the lines are set up it just seems to broken up. but it might be the effect you are trying for the poem and I completely just overlooked it.(but heyy i do miss out on all the good stuff lol) but other than that the poem was great got a real picture in my head Krysti |
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dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
A very timely poem of hurricanes and music. And Hurricanes (oh, yum) too. This poem might find a home at the Oxford American magazine -- their annual Southern Music Issue is what I'm thinking. Alannah Myles wouldn't exactly have been my soundtrack of choice for a poem about Bourbon street (isn't she Canadian?), but hey wtf if it's music that makes the soundtrack of your life, then it's all good. And well incorporated here. Sometimes, you just gotta go out there and win one. Win one for the Zipper! |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This is good. I'm not sure about the line breaks and the slant rhyme, but I like it. Removing a few articles and skinny-ing it down a bit would help. Bravo on the duality of Hurricane and Levee. Worked well. Dane Girls like you always get to see Ireland. - Paulette Bonafonte, Legally Blonde: The Musical |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
Sorry I haven't responded to you all before now. Business has been booming and has taken me away from these pages these past several weeks. oceanvu, Thanks for reading. I hope you can come back to Bourbon Street. SkaaDee, The Hurricane in the poem is a drink invented by the owners of a local bar in the French Quarter (passionfruit, four ounces of rum, deceptively potent). That is why I chose "the" instead of "a" ... does that make any difference to your reading of that line? hunnie girl, I wanted to try something new (dialogue in a sonnet) - maybe it didn't work as well as I hoped. Thanks for reading and commenting. dracula, Thanks for the kind words. I see what you're saying about Alannah Myles. I suppose I could see if there is anything by Death Cab for Cutie or Dave Matthews Band that could serve as a fitting substitute. Let me think on that. Dane, Thanks for the advice. I will try to do as you suggest as soon as I can. G |
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dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Ya gotta love them Hurricanes. Don't know about everyone else but I knew exactly what you were talking about. I had a half a glass of one when I was maybe 10 years old (my sister, older, snuck it to me)And I've been a poet ever since. music-wise, DMB would probably suffice. But the music you hear on Bourbon street-- well most people think of N.O. music as jazz, blues, some blues but mostly jazz, zydeco. Here's to Tipitinas and Pat O'Brien's! |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Gabe -- One of the most interesting things about this poem, for me, was the good use of fresh referential imagery. Without the aid of additional comments above, older duffs like me wouldn't have a clue as to the musical references. This, in a way, is exciting, new voices, new times! The play on hurricanes and "Hurricanes" is spiffy. I also thought there was a great play on levees and "Levi's," neither of which might "hold" given the situation. It may or may not have been intentional, but then, ya never know what someone is going to read into your stuff. This seems like one of those poems one would put away for a while, then come back and tighten up, because it is worth it. Best, Jimbeaux |
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