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Critical Analysis #2
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Eulogy
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Eulogy |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Penny-eyed the dreamer paid his dues, in an old suit and a starched shirt arranged to hide the stains of failure that never fade. The way dreams do. Such fine words rattled for a man whose deeds had never come to much, nor ever could, the way the cards were dealt. No aces graced his godless hands. Some swore he was the best who ever lived. If accolades for foolishness are made then crown him now and slam the book. A better man than he cannot exist. Just bury him, don’t wag your tales, untruths have dogged his days to death and make sad bedfellows for one who died of lies and uselessness. [This message has been edited by Grinch (08-11-2008 04:17 PM).] |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
loved this Grinch.. very well thought out. Krysti |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
How about saying exactly WHY you loved it Krysti. That would help Grinch you know.  And it might help you too if you analyse your reaction more closely. After all this IS Critical Analysis. M ........ Following Krysti's post below: Thanks for coming back on that Krysti. Even a short and straightforward comment such as you have made can be helpful. [This message has been edited by moonbeam (08-12-2008 05:27 AM).] |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
I like it cos its descriptive and well organised and I liked it b cos it reminded me of actually being there and that the things in the poem are actually what a eulogy is like Krysti |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I take it this was not a close friend of yours, Grinch I like it, especially the wagging of tales followed by dogged. Very clever. I had originally thought that you were using a rhyme scheme of a-b-c-a, since the first two stanzas met that criteria but, since the last two didn't, perhaps that was just coincidence. The only suggestion I would make would be to add "the way dreams do" to the last line as one instead of making it it's own sentence. Eulogies always follow the way of "don't speak ill of the dead", so this is a clever way of bucking that trend for those who don't deserve it. As grandma used to say, "Everyone enriches this world, some by coming and some by leaving". Sounds like your fellow leaned toward the latter. |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
Grinch: This is an interesting, cynical poem. I only have one technical/grammatical comment: quote: Are you contrasting the way dreams fade with the way the "stains of failure" never do? The way it is written left the meaning of "The way dreams do" a little ambiguous. This is a very minor problem for me because I believe I'm following your intent. The "old suit" and "starched shirt" is a great image for someone who probably wouldn't be seen in life that way but I feel as though I've read something like this in the past. The embellished eulogy is hardly uncommon. Perhaps you'd consider expanding this to include perspectives of others in attendance at the funeral, with multiple speakers responding to the words of the eulogy in their own way. This one makes the speaker's dislike for the deceased obvious. I just thought it might be interesting to hear what others with different relationships with the deceased might say given each potential speaker's unique perspective. Maybe an ex-wife, a child, a co-worker, a neighbor, etc. As it is, I think it is a fair commentary on the half-truths that might exist in many, if not most, eulogies. To me, I want to read something that stands out from other work that I cannot quite recall specifically right now. I hope some of this is helpful. An interesting and well-written poem. G |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Thanks for taking the time to reply Mike. quote: Actually it was my Father and the best friend I ever had. My disdain is aimed elsewhere but purposely obscured, if you ever have a spare hour or two I’ll explain where it came from. The rhyme scheme you mentioned threw me for a moment, none was intended. The sentence fragment in stanza one, and the others were consciously put there, I wanted a break or pause to somehow suggest solemn thought before the statements but I think you’re right it doesn’t work. I’ve changed it so many times the lines are probably getting dizzy by now but I’ll keep trying maybe I'll find something that works. Gabe, I think you’ve got the same problem Mike and I have with that fragment in S1, it doesn’t work as well as the keystone in S3: A better man than he cannot exist. I nearly apologised for the misleading way this was written - to sound as far from a eulogy as you could get - but that was totally intentional so I’m not sure an apology is warranted. There is method in my madness - honest! It just takes a little work to weed it out, you could argue maybe a little too much work, perhaps I hid my feelings along with the meaning too deep. If that’s the case I might just put this one down as one of those poems people keep mentioning, those personal ones, written from the heart. Thanks for the time you’ve taken though, it is appreciated Krysti, Most people write in the hope that someone, somewhere will get something out of their poem, confirmation of that fact is always welcome, it tells me I’m somewhere in the ballpark I was aiming for. The more information or feedback you can give the better but any at all is greatly appreciated so thank you. |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
Grinch: So the source of the speaker's frustration isn't that the deceased didn't deserve a eulogy, but that none given were actually eulogizing the person who just died? In other words, the deceased wasn't even remembered at his own funeral? G |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Gabe, That's about the size of it. who died of lies and uselessness. It wasn't his lies or uselessness that contrbuted to his death it was theirs, his only foolishness was listening to them. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
To the contrary Grinch, I rather enjoyed the sentence fragment ending S1. In fact, I earlier considered pointing that out to so many beginning writers who accidently employ fragments. In this case, you obviously knew it was a fragment and used it specifically to emphasize a point. That can be a powerful tool at the pen of a skilled writer such as yourself. To those of use less skilled, it usually just looks like an error. BTW, I also failed earlier to mention that I thoroughly enjoyed this. I'm sorry but I don't have any advice right now except keep that fragment. It is a powerful statement. |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
Grinch, Given my new appreciation for what you were aiming to do, I have much less concern about the fragment. It is subtly suggestive of the regret I didn't detect until you pointed out I missed something in my first reading. It strikes me now as an encroaching thought. So consider this a recanting of my prior criticism of it. I still believe it would be fascinating to explore the thoughts of others present at the funeral. Perhaps from the perspective of a person giving the fluff eulogy. I liked the poem when I first read it and I like it more now. G |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Grinch, A well written sad farewell. BJ |
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