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Critical Analysis #2
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The fad
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The fad |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
The daring young calculi That started a storm Then he found out He had used the wrong form He’s no English major And his grammar is bad, But he’ll stick to his butterfly And start a new fad This is the end of this sonnet I could write some more, But I’ll stop with three quatrains And not be a bore |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
wah...naughty naughty..  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thanks Kaile, must be a slow day in Singapore . I looked up the acronyms for WAH and I hope you mean “With a hug” if not, thanks anyhow. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This is stretching the definition of "sonnet" beyond breaking point IMO, even by my laissez faire standards. Maybe that's the point? But again IMO all it serves to do is make the speaker look rather silly .M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“All it serves to do is make the speaker look rather silly” Thanks Moonbean, I had rather look silly than look pompous. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chops. You succeed sometimes beyond your wildest expectations. At least in seeming silly. Moonbeam: Good to see you around again. Glad you haven't mellowed over time. Didn't think you would! It's the tartness that makes a rhubarb pie so sweet. Best, Jimbeaux |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Ocean, glad you showed up, it takes one to know one. Now I don’t feel like the silliest one here. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Oh dear, oh dear. I apologise if my comments came off all pompous. "Silly" perhaps has a more waspish tone where you come from. I was simply trying to convey that the speaker had gone a little too far with the reference to a sonnet and spoiled an otherwise funny and light piece. I withdraw "silly" and substitute "too daring IMHO". Hey there Jim! Yes, it appears that despite my best efforts to reduce the acid in my elderflower cordial I'm still overdoing it. I shall do my utmost to increase my pH level .M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I withdraw "silly" and substitute "too daring IMHO". Thank you Moonbeam. And I withdraw pompous and substitute something more approbate that is used where I come from. Please don’t keep using, stuff for the bird, like IMHO and MO; as I am quite sure you are not speaking for anyone else. Btw, you have never heard of the expression, “ That stuff is for the birds “ It is a common expression where I come from and we even know what “That stuff” is.. Ask Ocean, he knows, he knows everything . |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
You've mixed up the threads here Chopsticks, and I know what you and I are talking about, but for the sake of anyone else reading I'll just copy the relevant strophe from your other thread: "Well I have listened and the things I have heard . Are quite disturbing and stuff for a bird But, I’ll keep on searching for that desert rose , Even when the scent hurts my delicate nose ." Yes of course I have heard of the expression "for the birds" although it's not common here any more. I suppose given the context I should have guessed what you were trying to say. It's just that I've never heard it used in the singular before - always "the birds" never "a bird". ......... On IMHO: You'd be surprised just how often people, faced with my occasionally forceful and seemingly opinionated phraseology remind me that "it's just my opinion". "That's just your opinion Moonbeam" is an inanely idiotic statement I'd rather not hear again. In fact now I think of it I am sure a certain nearby moderator, having chastised me in such a manner, actually advised me to use IMHO regularly to remind people it was JMO - and with moderators and me, to hear is to obey. Nevertheless I will bear your request in mind if it annoys you an awful lot. It just goes to show that YCPEATT!!M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ It just goes to show that YCPEATT ” Nor should you try Moonbeam. If you do, IMHO you’ll never get back to base, and that ANGAT |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Bon. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Yes, it appears that despite my best efforts to reduce the acid in my elderflower cordial I'm still overdoing it. I shall do my utmost to increase my pH level .” Here is a little primer from long ago or was it this morning. I am happy to share and I hope it helps : If you are on a low acid trip, you will wax and wane until you flip. The symptoms are really quite scary. Friends will hide in the campus library Get yourself a P H testing strip. Run the test paper over your lip. If it turns red get back into bed, Should it turn blue its full speed ahead. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Bon. |
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MOCindy Member
since 2008-07-30
Posts 73 |
A very light-hearted one, Chops. Good. But in deep political or religious sense. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thanks MOCindy and welcome aboard , you’ll enjoy it more if you read it to the beat of “ The daring young man on the flying trapeze “ |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear chopsticks, "The daring young calucli That started a storm ... ." I just finished reading the results after the storm. There seems to be a calm now. BJ |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bro. John, I tawt I taw a torm toud! I did! I did taw a torm toud! I’m just being silly again. Moonbeam, I shouldn't have written this, it was just for my own enjoyment |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: Yes, but by doing so you get your own thread to the top again ... and look wheeeeeeee there it is once more ... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
The calm of the storm is all about proximity. Eyes of hurricanes are downright...serene. Moonbeam? Do you do private critique via e mail? I could use some help with a project...if you're interested, drop me a line? (Make sure you put something in the subject line if you write though--I generally discard stuff I don't recognize--lessons learned from thrice burned, capice?) |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Of breaking rules you bear the bell And write a Freeverse Sonnet well. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Karen Sorry, I only just picked this up and I know we are off topic so apologies to chopsticks. I am familiar with your writing Karen, and, apart from the fact that, as you are one of the most accomplished poets at PiP I probably have little to offer you, there is also the question of how you write. I have to admit I often find your poems challenging but rewarding, the sort of writing that if I were to make suggestions and you were to accept them, would change the pieces completely. I think that would be a great pity. In any case, apart from all that I'm trying to keep my personal mail box clear at present. It's often incoming mail that keeps me away from places like this, and to be honest I'm anxious not to open up new fronts right now. I hope you won't mind therefore if I say not at present, but that I feel ever so flattered and grateful that you asked me. Best. M |
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MOCindy Member
since 2008-07-30
Posts 73 |
Of breaking rules you bear the bell And write a Freeverse Sonnet well. On rhyming tools you shine your spell And chop the strings to hear the knell C |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thanks MOCindy, but who say dat ? |
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MOCindy Member
since 2008-07-30
Posts 73 |
C said. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
It's your honesty that prompted me to ask, so I appreciate the consistency, as well as the nice words about my work. and yanno? You're probably right. I am not sure what I'm looking for anyhow in consideration of style. But thank you for your thoughtfully kind rejection of me. tsk...I am going to need to concentrate on other things soon anyhow. Much love to you. And my apologies to chops, for interrupting his thread for this personal, off-topic exchange. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thanks everybody, I got a laissez -faire, a sucker punch, a compliment, and two apologies out of this silly poem. Ain’t life great. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
well I liked it Chops. it was... tres originale. Krysti |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Krysti, thank you so very much. Saying it was originale was enough analyzing for me. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Krysti For a poem of this quality, and where the writer has clearly invested very little time or energy into the piece and intends it just as a bit of fun - a teasing frivolity based upon the post of another person in the forum - your short and succint comment was most appropriate. And, I might add, imo rather generous. Chopsticks has however made the comment about being totally happy with your "critique" I think simply to highlight the fact that in Grinch's thread I suggested that you should make a more substantial critique. I not entirely sure of the precise point he is making, as Grinch's poem is a piece which is worthy of a close reading and proper comment. Anyway I hope you won't take offence at my suggestion to you in Grinch's thread, all I'm trying to do is lift the level of the comments in this forum above the "I liked it" to a point where both the crtiquer and the writer of the poem learn something useful. I hope that helps to explain where I'm coming from. No offence meant Krysti Best. M |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
ahh well I liked it because of its originality. It was unlike something anyone else would write and yes maybe it did not take long and it was not thought out but writing a poem for fun is not such a bad thing.. and no worries I was not offended the least bit Krysti |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Wow, there is nothing wrong with writing a poem for fun! Isn't that what we all do!? Well, all my poems I write for fun, except those where I wish there was a high cliff nearby  .My view is that you should still put as much effort into a poem which is humorous and lighthearted as one which is serious, if you plan to post it in a workshop forum for other people to help you improve it. That just seems like common politeness to your readers to me . The poem in this thread maybe original but it has a grammatical error in the very first strophe. I suppose I am at fault in not pointing that out at the outset. My bad.On seconds thoughts, maybe the error was deliberate given the second strophe. At any rate, all I know is that this poem is not worth spending any more time "analysing" than the writer took to write it IMHO. M |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Silliness is fun. I recommend that everyone try it once in a while. You seem to be good at it, chopsticks. My only suggestion would be to put a nickel in the meter or, in this case, put a meter in the poem. That alone can turn silly into witty and make it sound more clever..  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Moonbeam, like Ocean has said, “ Ya takes what ya gets” “You seem to be good at it, chopsticks” Thanks Balladeer, but come on now, should I really take you serious with your taste. |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
chopsticks, I read the other comments and yours then took a little time to tweak it a little. I don't think anyone here has a problem with a light-hearted poem, but I think you missed a good opportunity to practice in writing "The fad." Long ago when I was suffering from a serious case of writer's block, I found I could write something nonsensical. It isn't worth posting here but it did serve as an exercise in writing in meter (I was just learning how to hear it at that time). Here is what I came up with in tweaking "The fad." Do you think this improves how the poem flows? G The daring young calculi Started a storm Until he found out He had used the wrong form He’s no Robert Frost And his grammar is bad, But he’ll stick to his guns, Maybe start a new fad. This could be a sonnet If he could find the right rhyme, But he stopped with three quatrains ‘Cause he ran out of time. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Gabe, I love your version and now that I owned it that is the one I’m sending to the Wall Street Journal |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
should I really take you serious with your taste. I have no idea what that means but, no, I guess not. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Dear Krysti, as long as you are here this place has some class. Dear Gabe, your version may be technically more correct, I don’t know that for sure, but you took all the sparkle out. Dear Balledeer, I really don’t know what to say, other than, you are the greatest . ~~ding-ding---ding-ding---ding-ding---ding-ding---ding-ding ~~ When I hear ten bells while the main engine is churning full astern, it only means one thing to me : Anchors away., Goodbye all and have a nice trip, |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
chopsticks, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't think my changes were very signficant and I don't think you are being entirely fair. These were my changes: The daring young calculi [no changes] Started a storm [deleted "That" to improve meter] Until he found out [changed "Then" to "Until" for meter and syntax] He had used the wrong form [no changes] He’s no Robert Frost [changed "English major" to "Robert Frost"] And his grammar is bad, [no changes] But he’ll stick to his guns, [changed "butterfly" to "guns" because I found "butterfly" to be a little obscure] Maybe start a new fad. [changed "And" to "Maybe" - thought it helped it flow better] This could be a sonnet [changed this line because this is not a sonnet] If he could find the right rhyme, [replaced whole line, "I could write some more"] But he stopped with three quatrains [changed "I'll" to "he" because, until here, your poem was written in the third person] ‘Cause he ran out of time. [changed last line] I believe I left the majority of your poem intact (seven lines are either left alone or only propose very minor changes) and only two lines were entirely replaced. You've also written in rhyme, and when meter and rhyme are not working together in verse, it doesn't sparkle to me or probably to most critical readers. I do agree that my version doesn't sparkle either. Simply put, your poem isn't very well written and I was only trying to help you see the more glaring problems. I am not intending to offend you, but from your replies, I gather you appreciate straight talk. G |
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