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Critical Analysis #2
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Here is my first post for critical analysis!
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Here is my first post for critical analysis! |
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Musel Junior Member
since 2008-07-17
Posts 34 |
A dark haired raven flies amongst my dreams, Her memory bombards my every sense. I think of her and thoughts burst at their seams, Yet all at once she’s at some distant fence. Emotions swell just like a raging sea, Experience, it calls me to forget. These thoughts torment, tornadoes chasing me, Weighed down by a heavy cast, already set. I realise that in all ways she’s out of reach, Does this deter me? NO, I want her more. These thoughts they drain, a giant recurring leech, Fed only by her kiss that I long for. I understand that in a different time or place it might have been, I grope in fear at a chance that I have missed. Yet deep inside the monster rages green, I clutch and grasp at our forbidden kiss. In short, confusion rampant runs and I still fret, As these thoughts linger, I know I must relent. Her face, her eyes, her smile I can’t forget, For in the end I know she's heaven sent. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Musel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
Hi Musel Some good ideas. Sometimes rhyming can constrict A good excercise is to rewrite it in free verse. all the best |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hello, Muse1! You seem to have a very good knack for meter and form,which not a lot of people have, and I strongly suggest you continue using that style. You begin the poem perfectly in the first stanza, as far as form and meter is are concerned, with excellent iambic pentameter (ten syllable per line). The second stanza is also very good iambic pentameter, with the exception of the last line, with one syllable too many. This is very easy to correct, since the word "a" is not necessary, and can simply be omitted, bring the meter in line with the rest of the poem. Beginning the third stanza, the first line goes from the standard 10 syllables you have maintained in the poem to 12 syllables. The second line goes back to 10. The third line has one syllable too many and, for the first time, deviates from the iambic, perfect up to this point. "giant recurring" kills the meter and needs to be changed. The the word "they" needs to go, also. My suggestion to correct these errors would be....."These thoughts drain like a large, recurring leech". You begin the fourth stanza by going berzerk!!!  Instead of the ten syllables, you shoot up to 16!!!!  The second goes down to 11 and the last two lines back to the standard pentameter. The second line needs to be reworked a bit. I would suggest something like "I fear for chances that I may have missed".In the final stanza, your sylables per line are 12-11-10-10, once again top-heavy on the first two lines. As far as the wording, be very careful not to stick in extranneous words whose sole purpose is to maintain the rythym of the beat. I see that happening here..... Emotions swell just like a raging sea, (ok, this one is marginal. I'll buy it if you insist )Experience, it calls me to forget. These thoughts they drain, a giant recurring leech, In summary, I applaud you for the effort you put into the poem. You have a natural ability to sense correct meter and you put in the effort to stay true to the a-b-a-b rhyme scheme, whereas others (like myself, at times) take the easy way out with the a-b-c-b format. You have some excellent stuff here and I encourage you to write on!!  This is the revision I would make to your poem. Feel free to use or disregard any of them. I wish you the best.... A dark haired raven flies amongst my dreams, Her memory bombards my every sense. I think of her and thoughts burst at their seams, Yet all at once she’s at some distant fence. Emotions swell up like a raging sea, Experience calls on me to forget. These thoughts torment, tornadoes chasing me, Weighed down by heavy cast, already set. I know that she's completely out of reach, Does this deter me? NO, I want her more. These thoughts drain,like a large recurring leech, Fed only by her kiss that I long for. In different circumstance it might have been, I fear for chances that I may have missed. Yet deep inside the monster rages green, I clutch and grasp at our forbidden kiss. In short, confusion reigns and I still fret, Thoughts linger and I know I must relent. Her face, her eyes, her smile I can’t forget, For in the end I know she's heaven sent. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Balladeer Is there any chance of you or Brad or Pete moving your reply and that of the other poster to this thread to the thread titled "Raven", by the same auhtor. They are identical poems i.e. a duplicate post. It's getting kind of confusing. Thanks. M [This message has been edited by moonbeam (08-17-2008 09:47 AM).] |
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Musel Junior Member
since 2008-07-17
Posts 34 |
Thank you baladeer, your suggestions are duly noted and the revised poem certainly adheres to the iambic form without deviating from thethoughts I am trying to convey. Your help is greatly appreciated. Take care Musel |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Aha...I see what you mean. I wasn't aware of the duplicate post...will do. Brad, I moved my comment to the other post. This thread could be deleted to avoid any further confusion, if you agree. Muse1, this is why we don't allow double posts here. |
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Musel Junior Member
since 2008-07-17
Posts 34 |
I understand, I have been trying to delete it but am unsure as to how??? Musel |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Musel, you can't delete it but I'll lock it for now. |
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