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Critical Analysis #2
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Now, for something a bit different
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Now, for something a bit different |
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RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Is That So? Life is funny, And the universe Is a very weird place. That is why the can'ts and won'ts and couldn'ts Are frequently broken Despite the rigor of the logic Which seems to shield them. ----------- Is That So? Life is funny, And the universe Is a very weird place. Which is why the can'ts and won'ts and couldn'ts Are frequently broken Despite the rigor of the logic That seems to shield them. ----------- The Universe Is a Very Weird Place Why, Despite the rigor of the logic That defends them, Are will's and won'ts and couldn'ts So frequently broken? The first version is the one I've posted in the Open Poetry forum. The second has a subtle change, while the third is a complete restructuring. I'd like to hear what you think about the effects of these changes. I've come up with other variations, but three versions may be more than enough. |
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| © Copyright 2008 RC Langill - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, for one thing, your subtle change produces a sentence fragment. IIRC, which is a conjunction whereas that can also be used as a noun. Your first version was grammatically correct. Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
quote: What do you mean by "broken" here? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
The first two versions are wrecked by the banality of the title and the first strophe. Any serious point in S2 is completely diminished because the reader has already lost faith in the speaker. The third version is much better. The title gives the piece an unpretentious, fun, feel which imo allows you to almost get away with the rest of the poem being taken semi seriously. Whether you actually NEED to spell out that you are about to question the reliability and objectivity of human reasoning is a moot point. I think most readers would infer from a simple title of "Universe" that the speaker is questioning why our so called "laws of science" are fequently broken. But on the other hand, it's such a lightweight poem that maybe a lightweight title is what it needs, to avoid, as I say above, pretension. Not sure you need the word "rigor" - "despite the logic" would have been enough imo. M |
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RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Thank you all for such spirited replies. Taking them in order: To NotAPoet, as pronouns, which and that are frequently considered interchangeable. Had I said "Which of these versions do you think is best?" it would have been grammatically correct, though, as a closed question, would have limited response. But, more to the point, I find it interesting that it's a change which clatters on your ear. To my ear, "That is why" sounds smugly didactic, while "Which is why" sounds more casually conjunctive. Which is why I made that change. That, and a small increase in the assonance and alliteration of the line. To Essorant, every time something happens where it was proven to be impossible, the assertions that it couldn't happen along with the logical scaffolding that shored them up are shown to be "broken" To moonbeam, you touched on a point I mulled over quite a bit. Upon hearing about things that happen, I frequently tell myself "Life is funny, and the world is very weird." I choose to change world to universe because I wanted to say that the fallibility of human reasoning isn't the sole reason for unpredictability, that there is a strangeness at the core of reality itself. The third version is more compact, and the title serves as both topic summation and the answer to the question. Still, I like the second version best because the title advises that we maintain a healthy level of skepticism. In The Owl Who Was God, one of James Thurber's Fables for Our Times, he concludes with the moral: "You can fool too many of the people too much of the time." |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
The problem is that: "Life is funny, and the world is very weird", are two statements that might well have been written by a pre-schooler. Having made them, it is difficult to take anything else the speaker says seriously imo. M |
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RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
I doubt I could provide remedy for what, to you, is a problem. Certainly, a preschooler might parrot "Life is funny", but it would be a strange little kid who would also attach "the world is very weird." As precocious as I was as child, I never came near that. Even with the weirdness thrown in, I will concede that the opening is more simple than novel. If it's too simple for you, it is. From Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu: quote: |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Yes, sorry, I was exaggerating to make the point. I just think it's a pity because it detracts from the more interesting point about the brokenness of "can't" "won't" etc etc |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
RC, For me, the problem lies in this seeming to be the beginning of a longer poem, rather than a poem unto itself. I wouldn't have a big problem with the beginning if you built on it more in the following lines. quote: I sense that you have something more specific in mind or an example you can see clearly. I'm trying to figure out how to apply this truism, but I cannot (and it very well could be my fault). I guess what I'm saying is I'd like to read a more substantial poem, not just different versions of what I would read as an intro. I hope this is useful. G |
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RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Strange Things Still Abound Astronomers are still astounded By celestial objects that they spy, Strangely shaped and weirdly spinning, Current models do not apply. After all, Gravity is simple: One thing pulls on another, Size and locations determine How much things move and The directions the pull will send them. Back on earth, People interact, Using power, and fear, and courage, And faith, and love, and money To pull upon each other, While ardent ideologues solemnly pronounce "The only thing that matters is . . ." And line up seven errors of critical thinking They can easily discharge Against those who dare to dispute Their limited views. Even scholarly studies, Critically crafted, peer reviewed, And carefully certified, Despite the gravity of their content and structure That assures us certain things will or cannot happen, Are still subject to A weird interaction, like dust and sunlight Many million miles away That sends an asteroid strangely spinning. Unconsidered factors can be critical. Strange things still abound. Originally, I was going to explain that when I speak of the weirdness of the world, it's personal shorthand for a guiding principle more formally expressed: "Unconsidered factors can be critical." I was going to further state that though unconsidered factors was a more precise way of expressing this principle, it was too awkward to fit into a poem. Of course, then I had to reconsider this notion and try it. Moonbeam, although I felt a need to respond the pre-schooler remark, I wasn't upset. I view your contention as a sign you see something worthwhile. I appreciate the compliment. I doubt you'd bother commenting on something you felt was just gibberish. To Gabe, size alone makes this version more substantial, but I have seen enough of certainty and weirdness that the short versions are sufficient for me. |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
RC: quote: This isn't precisely right. A short poem can be substantial. A short poem can also be overly ambiguous or vague. A good haiku is short but substantial also. My reaction to reading your post was that this poem fell into the latter category. But the point seems moot. This is merely my opinion. No offense is intended. G |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear RC, I dig your poem, Strange Things Still Happen. I read cosmology and quantum science. You have phrased it very well. Enjoyed. BJ |
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RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Following exposition mode, it's time to trim and restructure a bit. Strange Things Still Abound Astronomers are still astounded By celestial objects that they spy, Strangely shaped and weirdly spinning, Current models do not apply. After all, Gravity is simple: One thing pulls on another, Size and locations determine How much things move and The directions the pull will send them. Back on earth, People pull upon each other Using love and fear, And power and money, While pompous pundits pontificate "The only thing that matters is . . ." Whatever handle they have to pull us along. Even scholarly studies, That show where we are going, What will or cannot happen, Critically crafted, peer reviewed, carefully certified, And possessing enormous gravity of content and structure, Are still subject to A weird interaction, Like dust and sunlight That send an asteroid spinning Many million miles away. Unconsidered factors can be critical. Strange things still abound. And, switching back to minimal mode, the count isn't right to call it haiku, but, having trimmed it this much, I can't bring myself to clutter this version with a title: The impossible and the inevitable Frequently collide Against life's weirdness. |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear RC. Right on! BJ |
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