»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
lost princess
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
lost princess |
|
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Very rough draft! (completed this poem less than two minutes ago) Any comments would be lovely and much appreciated. -emily * * * I tie my hair with a ribbon (pink like a princess) sing my heart will go on and bristles cheer. the sun peekaboos my goldened face; if only I have blue eyes. My Size Barbie Rapunzel I wear gown and hair sanguine cheeks like a little girl twirling for the kindergarten class. didn’t get picked. Ah! so that’s why I spin with tears, write 96 sentences, spend recess warming poetry, hot chocolate for snowy dreams. Did I notice as my hair browned, (wood, feces, mud, darkness) Recess led to Holocaust survivors and many didn’t even. Did I notice as my heart began to pound and fingers scratched. Nails the gateway coping skills for a girl who once tied her hair with pink ribbons like a princess. Ah! So that’s why I spin without tears, round my room in secret anguish. spend my days in etching silence, sleep, sleep, SLEEP please darling- Today please forget because quotes are beautiful. are love and advice teach of beauty in the golden faces beauty in places muddy and dark. Ah! Please let this little girl write worthy poems, her hair bereft of ribbons and sunshine, her eyes brown. |
||
| © Copyright 2008 emily boresow - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Right now this feels like you wrote it in 2 minutes. It comes over as a stream of thought complete with dubious grammar, contorted syntax and, in parts, just plain nonsense. In short, imo it's not yet ready for workshopping - you have some interesting ideas and images, but now you need to go away and spend a few hours deciding what you want to say, and then using the material here as notes to help you form a poem. It should probably be about a third the length of this one. M |
||
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Thank you. I tie my hair with a ribbon (pink like a princess) if only I have blue eyes to match sanguine cheeks twirling for the kindergarten class. didn’t get picked. Ah! so that’s why I spin with tears, write 96 sentences, spend recess warming poetry, hot chocolate for snowy dreams. Did I notice as my hair browned, Did I notice my heart pound and fingers that scratch. Ah! So that’s why I spin without tears, round my room in secret anguish. spend my days in etching silence, perusing quotes are love and advice and beauty in the golden faces beauty in places muddy and dark. Ah! Please let this little girl write worthy poems, her hair bereft of ribbons, her eyes brown. |
||
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Upon reading this poem, even with revisions, it does suck. |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I don't fully agree with Moonbeam about it needing to be a third the length. The length of the poem doesn't determine the strength of it. I think it only needs simpler sentence-structure and more poetic puissance, that is poetic structure, meter, rhyme and other things that may bring it out with more style. Perhaps something as the below may help: In a pink ribbon princess-wise I have my hair, but lack blue eyes And cheeks with sanguine hue, alas, Twirling for kindergarten class. Unpicked, I spin with teardrops' dew And sentence ninety-six pursue, Spending recess with poetry And with hot choclate warming me. Was I aware my hair was browned And heard as then my heart resound And fingers scratching in my fears? Therefore, I spin no more with tears. And in my room, in secret sore, Etch silence in my daily chore Perusing quotes, and ask thereof Of beauty's hue, advice, and love. Is beauty too in golden faces Beauty in dark and muddy places? Ah! let this girl write verses rare Brown-eyed and with unribboned hair. [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-03-2008 03:37 PM).] |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
It's certainly getting better, but please, when you revise, do us the courtesy of spending some time getting the presentation perfect. You clearly have a reasonable clue about punctuation and grammar so before I comment further I'd be grateful if you'd clean this up; eradication of sentence fragments and making sure your capitalizations are correct would be a good start. M Addendum: Ess has crossposted with me, so I better add that he is taking a perfectly legitimate line to the effect that the poem should be rewritten with a more formal structure i.e. arranged into stanzas and given meter and rhyme. This is fine, but it's a different poem. The way I was approaching this was to preserve the free verse writing, and to try to make you think about what you were trying to say - the intent of the poem if you will. Often you will find that in early drafts you say in a long winded way what can be said much better with condensed and more "muscular" writing. Clearly I agree with Ess that ultimately length and quality aren't inversely proportional, but certainly in the early stages of a poem verbiage can often be cut to good effect. I think in this case you actually said more, in a clearer way in your second version. Also it is worth pointing out that Ess has managed to condense the poem to 118 words instead of your original 194 - and this despite having to preserve meter and add regular rhyme. |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I've now read all the other poems you've written here in CA and I'd just like to say one other thing about Essorant's reply. Ess has, shall we say, a "leaning" towards formal verse, and more to the point, he is has had a lot of experience at writing it. He understands meter and rhyme and knows how to write in rhyming metric verse in such a manner that it doesn't sound forced or plain silly. To do that well is hard for most people and involves learning and practising the techniques. The difficulty is not so much in writing in rhyming verse per se, but in writing in rhyming verse AND at the same time saying something worthwhile and memorable. Your poem about the death of a curious martyr is an attempt to rhyme which is a good effort at rhyme and meter, but which, in the effort to produce that meter and rhyme ends up sounding pretty ridiculous. This I might add is in stark contrast to your Global Warming poem where you came up with some quite original images which made the writing interesting if unfinished. Some people may disagree, but I always think it's better for novice poets to start out by making a conscious decision to simply practice writing in an iambic stress pattern maybe blank verse), get that perfect and then add rhyme. But treat it as a deliberate exercise, don't try and turn out poems to challenge Shakespeare. Only when you have meter completely mastered should you even attempt to actually say anything erudite. Having said all that, you can probably tell that I'm not a devoted fan of formal poetry. I have written it and probably will again, but quite honestly a few original and insightful metaphors in a well structured well thought out free verse poem do a lot more for me than formal poetry where the message becomes slave to the demands of presentation. That's not to say that in the hands of expert poets rhyme or slant rhyme cannot be done so well that it pales into, IMO, it's proper place as being unnoticeable. M |
||
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Thank you for your thoughtful replies, both of you. I think I have grown frustrated by my writing lately, and posted this one in a haste. True, I am much better with free verse, but I think I have a much greater ability with structure than seen in the Curious Death poem... unfortunately, the majority of that one was written four years ago... when I was in eighth grade. I am so appreciative of your insight, as my last one did not receive any replies. I am now thoroughly embarrassed for posting this poem so raw, without even once going back over it. Much can be done to salvage, and much will. Thanks again, Emily |
||
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Oh, and, although I was hasty in posting, the "mistakes" are actually quite purposeful. For example, "didn't get picked." I couldn't bring myself to use an uppercase D - it just didn't feel right. And I know there are fragments (well, that was one), but they too are purposeful. Even the incorrect "are" after "perusing quotes" is purposeful. I guess I need to examine other ways of conveying my point without appearing to be in need of polish? |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
That's ok. If you are able to identify "mistakes" and make a positive decision to keep them that's fine. Try and look at this later. M |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Like I say this IMO is a definite improvement on the first rough draft. I'm going with the message that the speaker is a young girl who steeps herself in poetry and literature as a panacea for what she perceives as her shortcomings in looks and popularity. There is in fact quite a lot to like here once one accepts that the piece is built around ambiguity. Ambiguity is fine, in fact it's a technique I like to use a lot, but you have to be careful not to slip into the realms of farce. Your opening lines are a case in point. "I tie my hair with a ribbon (pink like a princess)" The princess is pink The ribbon is the same colour pink as the princess. The speaker is pink like a princess is pink The ribbon is pink, the speaker is like a princess, and the princess is also pink, the same pink as the ribbon The hair and the speaker are pink Ok, I admit the last is borderline, but you get the point. Given how the poem develops I suspect you are a clever enough writer to have intended all the nuance, but it's a risky opening when your readers don't know you. In short, the jury's out, and the lack of a comma after ribbon doesn't inspire confidence either. This abstemiousness with the punctuation continues to produce another ambiguity very shortly afterwards too. "I tie my hair with a ribbon (pink like a princess) if only I have blue eyes to match sanguine cheeks twirling for the kindergarten class." (Incidentally in the UK "have" wouldn't be grammatical, replace by "had" - if you haven't got something you can't "have" it. But I know you Americans do funny things with have and had so I'll let that alone for someone else to comment on.) But are the dreamed for blue eyes meant to match: the hair the ribbon the princess or the sanguine cheeks and are the blue eyes twirling or are the sanguine cheeks twirling? Lots of ambiguities exacerbated by lack of punctuation, and at this point I'm wondering whether it isn't all a bit too much. "didn't get picked." I'm actually warming to the lowercase. It fits with a kind of sulky little girl pouty couldn't be bothered image. But I just can't get to like the "Ah". For me it sounds too mature. Almost as if the speaker has suddenly stepped back in rational contemplation of her predicament, also a bit twee. " so that's why I spin with tears, write 96 sentences, spend recess warming poetry, hot chocolate for snowy dreams." I think you could lose the "so" and I am not sure why 96, but I quite like "spend recess warming poetry, hot chocolate for snowy dreams" The warming poetry/hot chocolate thing is an example of your crossover technique working well, I really liked it. "Snowy dreams" is unfortunate. At least lose the "snowy". "Did I notice as my hair browned, Did I notice my heart pound and fingers that scratch. Ah! So that's why I spin without tears, round my room in secret anguish. spend my days in etching silence, This section contains both originality: "etching silence" - very good indeed, "hair browned" - ok, and really boring cliche: "heart pound" (120,000 google hits), "fingers scratch" (3160), "secret anguish" (4670). Poems like this rely on startling surprises - little explosions generated by original yet pertinent observations and connections. You need to really work at eradicating the mundane and substituting images and descriptions that "add value" - horrible phrase I know! It's not as if you can't do it, but right now this poem is still stuffed far to full of other peoples' old thunder. Most poems of this length take a while to write and develop, it's all too easy to get an idea and a some good phrases and then just slap them onto a page with a few filler lines and lazily thought out descriptions. Go back and ruthlessly strike out the mundane see what you are left with and then build from there putting in real effort to generate novelty. The last two lines are nice by the way. M |
||
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Thanks so much. This is so very helpful! |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
yvw Emily. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
