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Untitled: Love
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Untitled: Love |
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abaer New Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 1 |
Untitled: Love I hold you in awe, in reverence Not just because of the perfect picture of beauty That even your shadow creates I hold you in awe, in reverence Not just because of the intricate web Of fierceness and compassion that caught me I hold you in awe, in reverence Not just because of the smooth skin You wear that I long to touch I admit to conversing with and welcoming my desires for you I admit to disrobing you with my mind And dreaming of running my hands On you, from breast to navel In search of your sighs I admit to wanting I hold you in awe, in reverence Because to me you are a persona Of love: Exemplifying beauty Testifying to fate [This message has been edited by abaer (09-14-2002 07:18 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 abaer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Here are my suggestions. Untitled: Love I hold you in awe, in reverence Not just because of the perfect picture of beauty That even your shadow creates I hold you in awe, in reverence Not just because of the intricate web Of fierceness and compassion that caught me. I hold you in awe, in reverence, Not just because of [your] smooth skin I long to touch. ["you wear" is redundant] I admit to conversing with and welcoming my desires for you. I admit to disrobing you with my mind And dreaming of [caressing] you, from breast to navel In search of your sighs I admit to wanting [To] hold you in awe, [The use of the infinitive [to] serves to echo its repeated use in the introductory part and tends to unify the poem despite its internal mood shift.] in reverence Because to me you are a persona Of love: Exemplifying beauty Testifying to fate The poem can also be written in a shorter version. Untitled: Love I hold you in awe and in reverence Not just because of the perfect picture of beauty That even your shadow creates.... I hold you in awe, in reverence, Not just because of the intricate web Of fierceness and compassion that caught me. I hold you in awe, in reverence, Not just because of [your] smooth skin Which I long to touch. I hold you in awe and in reverence. Because to me you are a persona Of love: Exemplifying beauty. Testifying to fate. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-15-2002 04:07 PM).] |
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kelmor New Member
since 2002-09-09
Posts 5 |
I agree with many of Radrook's suggestions. I like the poem, but also think that it can go further and deeper. My favorite lines are And dreaming of running my hands On you, from breast to navel In search of your sighs because these are the most tactile and concrete. I think more specific images would help the poem a great deal because a lot of it is abstract, and although that is by no means a negative thing, adding some images that give the reader something visual can only enhance the poem as a whole and the abstractions within the piece. I also think some stanza breaks would help, especially with the repetition of "I hold you in awe, in reverence." Consider having this line be the opening line for each stanza...just an idea. Hope these comments are helpful. |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
I know this will sound quite odd-and it is, no doubt-but for some reason I found this piece to be about narcissism, not infatuation. That's probably not the intent of the author, but that's what I picked up on. I would concur with the others about suggestions, by the way. Nice job! |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
I follow you D Edgar, I too sense a focus on the outer as a topic in this poem. I like the images, though, and the part about the fierceness. *sigh* good tribute to somebody...but where's the portrait?  what do I know? heh hehgb |
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