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12 steps
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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12 steps |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
hi: all it has been a long time since my last post but all poets begin to write again. so with that siad you can see that this piece is not finished yet. but I want to get some comments on what I have soo far. Thank you all. 12 STEPS 1 We were one grain of sand among many piece of a by far greater fortress coming to see I was now something apart one small heart with little hope left admitting each beach changes each day towing me down under depressed delusions 2 No longer aware of a once faded greatness lost, helpless, drowning, but still a small grain franticly searching finding nowhere to attach driven by some yet unknown force of spirit screaming silently in despair help me, help me now for a second time I land on an Isle of sanity 3. As I sit in release with a new found friend have we had enough of this self indulged destruction alone I walked a life filled in shadowed shame hands sinking in my now unblemished beach ready to begin again building a new place to be from small grains, framed in newly gained ideas 4 Looking at old pictures of that once great fortress I notice the weathered window frames and broken glass Some soiled and wrinkled bed sheets scattered on dirty floors Loose door hinges rusty and ignored, an un swept front yard Somehow this once great home has been neglected And yet carefully hidden are some small polished toys |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Dear Ricky, your poem may be to metaphysically abstract for some on here. I thought it was quite good . Its not my kind of poem, as I like light stuff. But , my advice is not to plead for comments on here , as some will be waiting for you like a fox waits outside of a chicken house for dark. I am not an English major and my grammar can butcher the English language , so I won’t say more than I can back up. Why did you call the poem ( 12 steps ) and then number only 4 stanzas ? I think some who read your poem stumbled on your title. I was looking for you to say, my name is Ricky and I am an alcoholic. Please don’t take offence or even a garden gate and I hope this helped . |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
In desperate need of a rewrite, don't you think? Skippyrick, Do you like this poem? What would you say about it if it weren't your own? |
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