»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
2nd and True
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
2nd and True |
|
|
graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA 
|
Arrggg... I almost cringe putting this on here, but I need help. This is all very new to me. I have never really told a tale in rhyme. It's stinking hard!  But, I am asking for help. I realize that it probably needs a lot of help, but give me some little things for now and I'll work on it a bit at my end too, for I'm starting to see double and can't focus too well! Thanks. 2nd and True There they stood, at the corner of 2nd and True. He wore a black coat, she wore a blue. Wind whipped her gold hair causing strands to dance, She swiped them away while he stole a glance. He noticed her hands; young and worked, yet so gentle. He could not help feeling a bit sentimental. Her thoughts were of bills she couldn’t pay. But she smiled at him; for that was her way. His hand clutched a cane for old age had set in, Her smile made him tremble but he managed a grin. The gentlemen in black looked at the woman in blue, And saw his dead wife when their love was just new. He knew it was fate the woman in blue stood right here, For his memory was fading of his Mary so dear. The woman spoke casually; said, “This weather’s so bad.” And couldn’t help but notice the man looked like her dad. He laughed his old laugh: “Yes, but at least there’s no rain.” And his voice caused her happiness mixed with some pain. Daddy’s cancer had taken him just one month before. And she longed to see him just once more. The woman in the blue coat and the man in the black Went different ways yet both had looked back. |
||
| © Copyright 2008 Debra Grae - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ This is all very new to me “ Not true, with the poem I see. But surely if that statement is true. You’ll get the prize in a day or two. The Pulitzer is what I’m talking about. Cause Your ghostly poem surely made me freak out. In the next to last couplet “Sickness “ may work better than “ Cancer “? That gives all of the ghost a part in the poem. ~That is a great poem. Garrison Keillor could make a movie of it.~ [This message has been edited by chopsticks (06-24-2008 09:22 AM).] |
||
|
graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
chopsticks- are you kidding me? I've seen some of your responses to CA and I totally expected you to reem it! I was ready and waiting, really. Someone told me to listen for the meter in a different poem of mine, so I was trying, but my ear just isn't that good yet. This is the 1st poem I've written that is a "story." Except maybe "BATTLE" which is on here, but anyway. Thanks so much. I'm in shock to probably babbling... lol... |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I've seen some of your responses to CA and I totally expected you to reem it! “ I don’t know, maybe them needed reeming . I like your poem ! |
||
|
graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Chops - I like yours too! Thanks for answering in rhyme - so thoughtful. |
||
|
graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
Somebody? Anybody else????????? |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
It's summer, Deb...they're all out playing in the sprinklers...  |
||
|
graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
lol... OK - on hold till the dead of winter! |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
You may want to drop into the Poetry Workshop the best teacher I know is there and he’s looking for students. |
||
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Im not outside right now. but I really liked the poem. the ryhms did not seemed forced. Cancer is a strong word but many of us know someone that has died or suffered the hardships it causes. the only line that seemed akward to me is: He noticed her hands; young and worked, yet so gentle may try noticing her hand young, woreked and so gentle. thanks for the share. Rick |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Graeshine2006, I tried to leave a response last night but some sort of computer glitch apparently ate the darn thing. I'll try to summarize the thing, because I got a bit longwinded, as I do sometimes. I thought the poem was ambitious, which was all to the good. It told a story, which is a tough thing to do, and it did that pretty well. You have a feel for the sense of momentum that the verse needs to have in order to tell a story. The verse itself can't stall or lag very much; it's got to keep moving, and you did this quite well. There where characters in the poem, and in the brief compass of the poem they went some distance. This is hard to do, and you did this well. The problem with the poem was that you haven't, I think, actually heard enough poetry read out loud, and so fell back on the models that people from the last 50 years or so have heard the most. In your case, while you were trying to write a sensitive and caring poem, the music that you heard and followed was "The Night Before Christmas," whose echo fills the poem and crowds out most of your fine intentions. I suspect you didn't hear it because this is the music many of us hear when we think of poetry (or "Casey at The Bat") because our culture no longer spends much time reading poetry out loud to each other. You won't get "The Night Before Christmas" out of your head. The best thing to do is to get some other poems in there. Poems read aloud is better. If you can get some collections of good modern poetry, you might try reading some of them yourself out loud to get the sounds into your head. Garrison Keillor has a fine collection named Good Poems that would do just fine. I'd recommend that you get a few Dylan Thomas recordings from the library and listen to him read for the simple pleasure of his voice and to hear the shear hamminess of it, and the way he stresses the rhythms. See if you can get some of the rhythmic feeling in your bones, and distinguish it from "The Night Before Christmas." Read more, listen more, write more, and make more great and glorious mistakes like these. You've learned so much here, and you can have such a wonderful specific focus, I'm a bit envious. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to see this poem of yours, but it's really very interesting, and there's a lot that you can gain from it. Sincerely, Bob K. |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello honey... To BobK's response, I'll add this link, http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/ simply because if we're going to listen to poetry, then this is a great way to do so. While I don't think there is anything wrong with copying the internal rhythm of any great, long-standing poem like The Night Before Christmas I do agree with BobK that we do need to study reading our poetry aloud. It's one thing to hear it in your head; it's another to hear it before an audience. And do embrace an audience! Parents, children, friends with a like love of the arts...that is where we learn how to conduct our own voice into the voice we want to share. It's amazing how that works. Some master the talent...others acquire a pure voice of their own. Listen to Earth Angel's poetry sometime...her voice is magnificent! I still haven't found any nits to impart on this particular poem, however!  |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
[This message has been edited by Bob K (07-19-2008 05:12 PM).] |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Hello, Sunshine! (I've always wanted to say that.) I wanted to check out the writer's almanac link you listed below myself. I can always learn stuff. Apparently they aren't there anymore. Apparently Earl has moved or something like that. But their spell check doesn't work, so they spelled it URL. I'm probably doing something uncomputerly and getting my connection messed up, so maybe you could give it a try and check me out on it. If NPR does have a resource available like that, it's be a Tony The Tiger G-R-E-A-T!!!!!. Also, graeshine2006, I wasn't trying to nitpick myself. It's simply the advice most people get is to look into your heart and write, but they don't get told much about the language to do it in. It used to come naturally in the language of The Book of Common Prayer or The King James Bible, because this was the language people shared at their most contemplative moments. With Emily Dickinson it came in the language of the hymnal, and the rhyming four foot three foot lines that all her stuff was written in. This was her language of the heart. This is one of the reasons I recommend the reading to you. By reading aloud the poetry of others, you may find clues to what your language of the heart may be. I urge you to listen not solely for sentiment, but for sound. Sentiment is something that may be achieved without much difficulty in poetry. It is not difficult, though it is rewarding and will gain you applause. If you had no sentiment, you would have no interest in the field to begin with, would you? Listen to the way that others use words for hints of what you want to do with yours, and try to begin incorporating some of those things into your way of writing, at least for a while, and making them your own. Think of these explorations in reading new poems aloud as voice lessons, if you will. There is no other way to get the sounds of those words into your brain as clearly as through putting them through your own voice, where you can actually experience their music. My best, BobK |
||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This: quote: and this: quote: and this: quote: is the best advice I've seen on this board for a very long time. I second it wholeheartedly. M |
||
|
graeshine2006 Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368The Prairie Lands, USA |
I need to come here more often. I didn't realize anyone was even reading this anymore! BUT, I am very glad I came back in and read these last replies. I haven't been writing much and what I have written STUNK! It's still fun though. Maybe it is time to start reading out loud again. I used to do this for my kids - though never poetry. I now am a lector at church because I enjoy it. Reading poetry out loud isn't too far of a stretch! Thanks so much Bob and Aunt K for the advice. It means much! |
||
|
dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
The fourth stanza throws a bit of a curve because when she says "I was thinking of all the bills I had to pay, and then I saw this old guy, and I knew he was the way" (a rather blunt translation), I thought she'd found a sugar daddy and the poem was going to follow that path. So that blunted, a little bit, the emotional response to what the poem was really about |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Drac, how did you deduce in the fourth stanza that he was old ? He didn’t get old until the fifth stanza. |
||
|
dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Okay, so "fourth stanza plus one line" It still threw me. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Drac, I understand now, you were interpolating. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
