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paper cup
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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paper cup |
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fitz1901 Junior Member
since 2008-04-19
Posts 16Michigan, USA |
Paper Cup Petals ignite on the ground Off a broken vace off a broken shelf In a broken home, with their broken smiles Say “why don’t you stay a while” And there’s bird alone on a power line Just one watching over the sunrise Day after day, fight after fight I’m trapped, can’t watch a sunrise at night They say when your life can be held in a paper cup It obviously can’t amount to much. But a paper cups all I’ve been given Spite just can't be forgiven Off broken vase off a broken shelf In a broken home, with their broken smiles Say “why don’t you just stay awhile And watch the sunrise. |
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| © Copyright 2008 fitz1901 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fitz1901 Junior Member
since 2008-04-19
Posts 16Michigan, USA |
Changed it up a little. revised it a little Paper Cup Petals ignite on the ground Off a broken vase off a broken shelf In a broken home, with their broken smiles Say “why don’t you stay a while” I'm like a bird alone on a power line Just one waiting for the sunrise Day after day, fight after fight I’m trapped, can’t watch a sunrise at night They say when your life can be held in a paper cup It obviously can’t amount to much. But a paper cup is all I’ve been given A living testament, saying life's curse is never forgiven Oh sunrise, i want to rise with you sing like you, breath like you rise above the misery, above this life a bird who's found the sunrise and can fly away. |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
Hello "Paper Cup" writer I see three seperate illustrations and I am not sure how smoothly they connect. 1) The Petals ignite are they the Petals who Say “why don’t you stay a while” or do the broken smiles Say “why don’t you stay? 2) The bird alone on a power line fight after fight is trapped. Was the first poems envy part of the reason for trapped. 3) The paper cup shows hopelessness due to life's curse being never forgiven. 4) But the "want" of hope arises as the "want" of the bird does rise with you to "fly away." Asta, fitz from dwgpoet. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
1901 ( the year of my birth ) your poem needs some work I would start with the title. I punched “ fly away “ in at youtube and came up with this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjgYsHt71XE Btw, you/ll never see a Canadian goose sitting on a power line. I kind of like your poem. |
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fitz1901 Junior Member
since 2008-04-19
Posts 16Michigan, USA |
Thank you The first three stanzas express The limitations of life, the helplesseness of life, the shallowness of life..ect. Its the people inside the house which say " Why don't you stay for a while" Thanks for bringing that up, I will experiment to see if I could make that clearer. The revision of the poem says "I'm Like a bird alone on a powerline." I'm comparing that bird to me. About the title, I had several ideas for it including the current ( paper cup) Ode to the sunrise Powerline Broken sunset in brief etc. I picked paper cup because I believe that was the best image to express the how limited I am in life. That line was the reason I got the poem on paper, as I couldn;t get the line out of my head. I will consider changing thank you for the critique. |
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Moth Junior Member
since 2008-06-12
Posts 12 |
This is my first crit so I apologise in advance if I’ve pitched it badly (and my UK spelling). Overall I like your poem. There are a few things about the poem I don’t understand (which probably says more about my limited understanding of it), the first line for example. I really like the image of petals igniting, it’s very strong but I can’t work out what it means. Is it metaphor or allegory and if so what’s it alluding to? I just can’t seem to get my head around it. In the second line I can see why you may have chosen to repeat the word ‘off ‘. It is a device often used by Welsh poet (and one of my personal favourites) Dylan Thomas. I do think, however, if you are going to employ this sort of device then you will get more from it through different lination to distinguish the subjects (the vase and the shelf), giving each a reference of its own. The upshot of this is each subject contributes to the structure of the poem, a neat little trick that draws the poem and subject together, like this; Petals ignite on the ground Off a broken vase Off a broken shelf In a broken home with their broken smiles [I’ve removed the comma here for flow] Say “why don’t you stay a while?” This also draws the reader into the last two lines, which are connected through the last rhyming word via the cheeky but effectively assonant ‘why’. In the second verse you step immediately into simile with ‘I’m like a bird… ‘. I thought this undermined the strength you built up in verse one. I’d suggest you take the poetic bull by the horns and go for the metaphor and also tightening the first two lines; I'm a bird on a power line, Just waiting for the sunrise. It’s a bit of a cliché for me to say ‘less is more’, but then cliché only becomes so because it has some truth to it. Some good repetition again in lines 3 and 4 reflecting the device used in verse one. I like the coherence this gives the machinery of the poem. Verse three is tricky. The rhythm is all over the place but as a single verse it deals with the biggest part of the theme so I can appreciate it being a bit full. I would suggest a reworking of these lines. It’s not necessary to use ‘They say’, because the poem is all about what you say. Also, your use of the word ‘obviously’ in line two comes over as saying more about what you think other people think than as a set up for the lines that follow. Being more direct will have more impact. As an example I’ve reworked it a little. When life can be held in a paper cup It cannot amount to much. A paper cup is all I’ve been given A living testament, Life's curse not forgiven The power of this poem is the feeling of ‘longing to be free’ that is built up nicely from the last line of verse two. In verse four the overuse of the word ‘rise’ (4 instances including its use in the word ‘sunrise’) is overkill and the power of the word, and subsequently the poem, is lost. I would suggest you revisit verse four and remove all versions or ‘rise’ except the last one, which echoes verse two, pulling the poem together and setting up the final pay-off line. I’m not sure if any of this is helpful, I hope it is. I admire the spirit of your poem and enjoyed reading it. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
Hmmm I like it as it is and is'nt |
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