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Critical Analysis #2
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a leap
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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a leap |
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ronald might Junior Member
since 2008-06-05
Posts 19 |
I look to the sky and wonder oh what a great height if only a jump if but only a leap the scent of your hair the colours of your eye your porcelain skin and your soft lips memory has a trick like magicians who seem to show truth i'll be the audience awaiting for the poof yet the scent lingered the colours remained pure and touch and memory true as the sun i once said true as the sun it happened tears that quenches this fire tears the fallowed my desire there must a magician an ebullient prick only to trick and lie my lonely passion hang him my poor magician why still the scent the colours only to feed my senses with desire my truthless bliss with a jump and a great leap i looked to the sky and wondered what a great height my lord my lord i wondered. any comments are welcomed |
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| © Copyright 2008 ronald might - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
i know, i know that it most likely isn't a part of the poem, but oh my i like the idea of having the last line there at the end. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ i know, i know that it most likely isn't a part of the poem, but oh my i like the idea of having the last line there at the end. “ ~ I have to agree with Ryan, the best place to have a last line is at the end . It just seems to fit better there. ~ |
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ronald might Junior Member
since 2008-06-05
Posts 19 |
im sorry.."i know i know" ??? as in just end it with i know i know? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I actually liked it as is: "My lord, my lord, I wondered: any comments would be welcomed." They are right. Just add a colon and keep the commentary and you got yourself existential angst. |
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ronald might Junior Member
since 2008-06-05
Posts 19 |
oh dear.... "any comments are welcome" wasnt suppose to be in the poem actually.. but if i did end it with "any comments are welcome" wouldnt it be erm...out of place? stranger passing by, |
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ronald might Junior Member
since 2008-06-05
Posts 19 |
so is there anything i can do to imporve this poem? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I was serious about leaving that, but I'm the stubborn one here who insists on leaving something out of place--I like a little quirk to my poetry. Come to think of it, I just like "quirk". I don't even think it's so quirky since the poem seems to be addressing a greater unknown for answers. I like your poem--but any suggestions I have would strictly be personal preference and not expertise, or even an educated assessment. The first line nearly lost me, but keep in mind I'm just a fumbling amateur. I that spirit I think I'd like to see this wondrous sky in words, instead of a description of you looking at it. There could be some connecting segueway from stanza two to three. Something that would connect your magician to the train of thought of longing, perhaps? In any case, I thought I'd just offer some feedback to you, as well as some advice that when you receive critique, it's just opinion and always consider the source. Good luck, lovie!  Nice to meet you. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ronald it is obvious from the second stanza that you are not addressing a greater unknown for answers. I think ( Any comments are welcome ) is ok either way, in or out . [This message has been edited by chopsticks (06-08-2008 11:34 AM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
True enough, chops, the second verse does address a woman, but the first verse suggests a solitary moment to me. "I look to the sky and wonder" and that indicates questioning some "great unknown" to me. (There's probably a better phrase for that, but I'm having an off-life this carnation.) So Ronald, maybe you might want to consider that as well, although I'm shruggish about making something absolutely clear. Like I said, it's just my preference to leave enough room for the reader to wander or wonder around. |
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ronald might Junior Member
since 2008-06-05
Posts 19 |
yeap..i totally agree on letting the reader "wonder" but a poem must nv lose its intention.. the first stanza isnt addressing for an answer. ( this is greater illustrated in the 3rd stanza, where the magician has "tricks" and i the "audience" knows what its all about! the first stanza was just a basic introduction for the reader to have an idea of my situation ..my truthless bliss THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS! i really like the idea of addressing the first stanza from a 2nd perspective. but im still trying to find another alternative for addressing the 3rd stanza... hmmmmmmmmm.. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I’m still trying to find another alternative for addressing the 3rd stanza.” I think the third stanza is the best. Yes at times we all look at the heavens and wonder, but not always expecting an epiphany. Mark Twain had Tom Sawyer look at the heavens and wonder, one night as he floated down the Mississippi river. Tom said , “ Jim were them stars put there or did they just happen ? “ |
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ronald might Junior Member
since 2008-06-05
Posts 19 |
i guess i'll leave it the way it is then.. those them stars were left there only to bloody wonder.. |
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