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Critical Analysis #2
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Not Today
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Not Today |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Do not- I beg you- try to take it back. Not today, not as I wake hopeful and warm in my bed, deceived as I breathe. The morning sun begins to tease. It fills my room with pink and tender light that dances to distract me from the shadows. Do not- I beg you, take it back today. Not today, the songbirds outside are singing too sweetly; they grasp the branches blooming with delicate buds that smell sublime. Innocence smells that way. And when the blossoms start to die, a chill will settle in my bones. Do not (I beg you) take it back. Not today, yet if you must then take it back tomorrow. If that’s when your heart decides to leave then on that cold and vacant day- with my severed mind; I will close my eyes and kill the birds, and cut you free. |
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| © Copyright 2008 A.Grace - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Just and inflection with economy and what I feel you’re expressing. In this type of poem, IMO, less is always more. The morning sun begins to tease, then fills my room with pink tender light. Please don’t leave. The songbirds outside sing as they grasp the branches with delicate buds. Please don’t leave today. If you must leave, if that’s your hearts decision—then do it tomorrow. I will kill the birds in the morning and set you free. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
"Just and inflection with economy and what I feel you’re expressing. In this type of poem, IMO, less is always more." --------------------------------------- Ralph, you are definitely a "less is more" type of guy. I'm going to start calling you "the butcher" the way you trim the fat! I do like your version, however, I don't think I'll cut that deep. Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Angie |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Hi, I really liked where you're going with this. One little thing I'd think about changing is: "with delicate buds that smell sublime. Innocence smells that way." I would choose an actual scent to describe the buds. That way you're making a more tangible comparison between innocence and the buds. I felt a little gypped by thess lines because they could be awesome, and they got sold a little short. I'd like to see your ideas, should you decide to change it. Again, great poem, great message, so true! |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
Hi Angie, Being only a dwgpoet student, I never know how to critique until I can feed off of others comments. 1) I do not totally agree with Ralph's IMO "less is more." Although I prefer the short poems of Edward Dorn and E.E.C., I also loved the "smell" of Walt Whitman's poem after poem after poem of the same "leaves of grass." Maybe, breaking your poem up into two poems, an A) page and a B) page could work. 2) eminor_angel's comments about an actual scent "with delicate buds that smell sublime. Innocence smells that way." I like the "m"s of "blossoms" "blooming" "smells sublime" I would put the actuual smell after Innocence. Keep em coming, wonderful. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
I love this poem. The feeling was very clear. But I would like to read without the last Stanza. If a significant unwanted thing was about to be taken back then the words of cold and vacant were not enough because the strong begging voice has expressed the pain of lower one's dignity . and If that’s when your heart decides to leave I would like to read with an added stillafter the word of heart |
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badboypoet Member
since 2008-03-11
Posts 96 |
I'm new here and not really a poetry expert or anything like that, but the two women at my door earlier today, with pamphlets written by god or someone who is pretty tight with the big man, told me, "I gotta give a little, to get a little". It's a nice poem. I like some of the imagry. And I ain't trying to mean or nuth'n, but it seems too old fashioned, but in a way that it's really trying hard to be old fashioned, written by someone who ain't old fashioned but has read a lot of poetry like that. I dunno if that makes sense. Like I said, that ain't menat to be mean because it's a good poem. But hey, what do I now. I'm not very good a descecting poetry, but I'd like to learn. |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
Yes, Badboypoet. You are an astute young fellow, to recognize G D's spirit upon the two. I hope they carried AWAKEs to keep you on your WATCHTOWER. A.Grace, I still liked your poem and will read the revision if you choose to make one. Asta, |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think RCat and bbpoet are right that is a little wordy, a little affected, but I'm not sure the situation can be done any other way. I would cut some of the early foreshadowing/juxtapostition (for example, 'shadows') and 'accentuate the positive'.  Then: then on that cold and vacant day- I will close my eyes and kill the birds. try to create an abrupt shift in tone with that last stanza. I enjoyed the poem. |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
nice poem. I would remove the word "light" in stanza two. it seems redundant. but that's just me. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Thanks everyone for the comments, it helps with the re-writes. Much appreciated, A. |
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free soul New Member
since 2009-01-09
Posts 6between the sky and earth |
HI THERE,IM NEW HERE SO IM NOT SURE THAT MY REPLY WILL BE TAKEN IN YOUR CONSEDERATION BUT THERE'S ONE THING I NEED TO SAY FOR SURE..IS THAT PEOPLE THESE DAYS LOVE THE DEEP WORDS..THE ONES THAT HOLDS GREAT MEANING AND A STORY. |
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