she faltered out into the fields

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sparsile
New Member

since 2008-03-19

Posts 5

0 posted 2008-03-19 10:30 PM

she faltered out into the fields
alone that night, from her cottage bare
and felt her shoes slowly sink
into the sea of moonlit grass,
soaking and seeping into her feet.

as she lay in the grass, she stared at clouds
as they went sweeping overhead,
and stayed there even through the dark,
to blink, and watch the passing stars;
was cold, but did not care to know
watching the beauty as it moved
alone, across the sky

and when the rain came raging down,
she opened her mouth, to catch the sound
of freezing drops, of water pure;
hoping, still, for something more
or someone to rush through her cottage door
and bid her hurry in, be warm,
and carry back her listless form

but as the sun arose, at last,
it cracked the night like frozen glass
and she followed him, as he did pass
into the red of day

[This message has been edited by sparsile (03-21-2008 12:12 PM).]

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

1 posted 2008-03-20 07:14 PM

Hi and welcome!

she stepped faltered out into the fields (I'm not too crazy about this first line, I think it would sound better if you said something along the lines of: Her step faltered as she crept into the fields, instead of "she stepped faltered...")
alone that night, from her cottage bare (I like this line)
and felt her shoes as they slowly sank (and felt her shoes slowly sink)
in the dim-lit sea of moonlit grass; (into the sea of moonlit grass)
puddles soaking and seeping into her feet. (where the puddles soaked into her feet.)

--------I have to stop here for now, but I'll be back later to finish the rest.

This is really good, I think it has great potential.

A.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

2 posted 2008-03-20 07:31 PM

[This message has been edited by Grinch (03-21-2008 10:28 AM).]

sparsile
New Member

since 2008-03-19

Posts 5

3 posted 2008-03-21 12:07 PM

Thanks for the criticism! It's greatly appreciated

That was actually a typo ("stepped faltered") that I somehow missed.. oops.. thanks for spotting it, I edited it out

I like your suggestions, they flow much better

Thanks again, hope to see you around here again sometime!
sparsile

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

4 posted 2008-03-21 04:52 PM

I'm back again (finally!)

now to continue...

soaking and seeping into her feet. (I think soaking and seeping are too closely related, I'd pick one or the other)

as she lay in the grass, she stared at clouds (Why did she lay down?  I thought the grass was wet? )
as they went sweeping overhead,
and stayed there even through the dark, (even through the dark?  I thought it already was dark, at least when she left the cottage it was dark)
to blink, and watch the passing stars; (the stars are passing? )
was cold, but did not care to know
watching the beauty as it moved
alone, across the sky (alone?  I don't think of stars as singular.  I think this stanza needs a little work)

and when the rain came raging down,
she opened her mouth, to catch the sound (no comma)
of freezing drops, of water pure;
hoping, still, for something more (hoping still, for something more)
or someone to rush through her cottage door (or someone rushing through the cottage door -that flows a little better I think)
and bid her hurry in, be warm,
and carry back her listless form
(this stanza was my favorite, but why is she listless?  Is she ill or dying? )

but as the sun arose, at last,
it cracked the night like frozen glass
and she followed him, as he did pass
into the red of day (is "him" the sun?  I'm just a little unclear about what is going on here, perhaps you could expand on this)

I liked this.  I do think that you need to work into the poem the background as to why she is doing this, what her story is.  I get the feeling that this is someone who wants so badly to be loved, and dies in the end.  That's my take on it anyway.

I hope I helped a little bit.

A.

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