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Critical Analysis #2
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For Sale: Hemi Priestess
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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For Sale: Hemi Priestess |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude! Right down to her broken in by daddy [wink] “Really?” She’s got killer horsepower with a torque curve waiting to gouge your heart out with a spark plug, strip you to the bone with battery acid, door-slam your skull clean off, and hang it on the rear view mirror strung on a fan belt! “Impressive,” examining the sticker [squint] “That’s quite the destination charge, perhaps a minivan is more for me?” <<>> |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
RCat: Well, since you put it that way, I guess the domesticated male life is pretty good after all.  When I read this, I couldn't help but to contrast it against Cummings' "she being Brand / -new" ... Because of this, I found myself wishing that you would have expanded the poem a little more. To me, it seemed a little short and abrupt. What you've done here, I think, is nicely done. If there is something missing, I think it is a description of what draws us to the "Hemi Priestess" ... you might consider moving us from the idealistic to the practical, rather than merely dropping the practical on our heads like an engine block. I very much like the idea and the presentation. Thanks for posting. Jim |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Excellent point jboulder --- and the association to Cummings’ is accurate as well. The particular poem you mention is indeed way cool IMO. I’m going to try to soften the intro and/or buffer the transition so I don’t grind the gears so badly! Your input is very much appreciated! Thanks again. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Here’s a quick revision (actually several). I know there are some areas needing attention, but what’s the impression? Right road or off road? On his daily drive home Jim spots her at the red light. Her feral lines and cat-back curves scrub twenty years off his odometer (wheels turn on green parks, opens the door) his fate under her control, approaches as a throaty growl inside concurs, “more, more (isn’t this what we’ve always wanted and) more!” His mind slams---but it’s a done deal as they say in Detroit the drive to explode hemispherical piston action blows the hub caps off conventionality. “You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude!” (the salesman winks) “Right down to her broken in by daddy” “Really?” Jim scans her Scandinavian inspired profile and Brazilian sculpted rear with chrome dual groaning gravel spitting traction on her wing. “She’s got killer horsepower with a torque curve eager to crush your heart like an elephant, acceleration that battery acid strips you to the bone, cornering that will door-slam your skull clean off, and the attitude to hang it on the rear view mirror strung tribally on a fan belt!” “Impressive,” examining the sticker (reaches in his pocket) “That’s quite the destination charge, perhaps (sub liminally handing over his keys) a minivan is more for me?” (signs on the dotted) “Damn right! There’s nothing on the street like this anymore!” A key inserts the door, a flash of jet black and straight to redline… Jim never made it home that night, or for that matter, ever again. “…found her rolled near interstate 5” (no passengers reported alive) only a laptop on the front seat with every file summarily deleted <<>> [This message has been edited by RCat (02-23-2008 04:32 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
RCat, now I get it. Your first post is a teaser and then you knock us dead with the revision . That’ll only work so many times, then we will start waiting for the good stuff at eleven o’clock. The revision, hook and all, was great , too bad about the kid. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
deleted per below... [This message has been edited by RCat (02-24-2008 10:50 AM).] |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
should "Jim be "Joe?" Perhaps a more pedestrian name? I’m trying to leave the impression the driver wasn’t necessarily killed; the wild girl just liberated him and he walked away, leaving his life behind. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I’m trying to leave the impression the driver wasn’t necessarily killed; the wild girl just liberated him and he walked away, leaving his life behind.” Then it would be a fairy tale, once upon a time ... You do know the differences between a fairy tale and a real tale don’t you : A fairy tale starts out, once upon a time. A real tale starts out, you guys ain’t going to believe this. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
OK, so he died... maybe. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
On his daily drive home Jim spots her at the red light. Her feral lines and cat-back curves scrub twenty years off his personal odometer (wheels turn on green parks the accord opening the door). Eyes fix on her burnt candy-apple skin inviting him closer as a throaty growl inside concurs, “more, more (this is exactly what we’ve always wanted and) more!” His mind slams---but as they say in Detroit, it’s a testosterone mid-life bomb; and the drive-by-wire desire for hemispherical piston action blows the hub caps off routine bunkered in the garage. “You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude (the salesman winks) right down to her 8-cylinders pumping big for daddy!” “Really” Jim scans her Scandinavian inspired profile and Brazilian shaved rear---admiring the chrome dual groaning asphalt smoking traction implied on her wing. “She’s got killer horsepower with a torque curve eager to crush your heart like an elephant---acceleration that battery acid strips you to the bone! Cornering that will door-slam your head clean off, and (pointing the cockpit) the nerve to hang your skull on the rear view mirror!” “Impressive,” examining the sticker while reaching in his pocket, “That’s quite the destination charge, perhaps (subliminally handing over his keys) a minivan is more for me?” (signs on the dotted) “Damn right! (knuckle butts with the salesman) there’s nothing on the street like this babe!” A key inserts the door; the smell of Corinthian leather, a flash of jet black rumbles straight to…………………….redline. Jim never made it home that night, or for that matter, ever again. “…found her rolled near interstate 5” no passengers reported alive, only a laptop on the front seat with every file deleted <<>> |
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