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Critical Analysis #2
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dwgpoet
Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122
FL, USA

0 posted 2008-01-24 03:47 AM




Team-Wheat born in garden paradise, new;
LOVE tutored, Team drank of Spirit's Fruitage.
Expelled to wilderness, JOY birthed new Teams,
Team wheat's ark of promise gave guidance help.
Thrue 5 books of Law, thrue floods, TEAM's spirit
milk and honeyed the wheat.; while Ark defends,
TEAMs name down in history. Kings defend,
after Judges. Saved seed land for Team's new
Hanukka PEACE birthed from TEAMs work Spirit.
MILDNESS priviledged Team-Wheat's PEACE fruitage.
New wheat bonded in threefolds. MILDNESS helps;
Women wheat offered self as spokes of Team.
Wheel-Wheat never curse wives; GOODNESS for Team.
Bone for bone, Flesh for flesh, Wheels Team defend.
Wheat work wonders tilling as KINDNESS helps.
Again Psalms declare Wheat-Wheels hope anew.
Time and a Place for all Proverbs' fruitage;
Shulammite spokes show GOOD and KIND Spirit.
Wheel-Wheat tires' spokes put FAITH in Spirit.
Chariot prophetic paths mapped to Team.
Four Major Wheat-Teams profit from Fruitage.
Twelve minor wheat eyes, help Team FAITH, defend.
Wheels and eyes, foreshadow real John-class, new.
When distressed wheat prayd, Father TEAM sent help.
TEAMs of wheat drawn to Father, had Son's help,
Persecuted Son relied on Spirit.
LONG SUFFRING forty days and nights knew
LONG SUFFEING. Word filled, Son gathered Team.
Formed congregation, TEAMs name to defend.
Gospels and Acts and Letters showed fruitage.
Team-Wheat tangled with weeds, Yet bore fruitage.
SELF-CONTROL, refrained from vengeance, Team's help
came. Weeds strangled Wheat, thus, needs to defend.
Last Days began brought false wheat-weeds Spirit.
Yet, sealed chosen ones spun Wheels as a Team.
Kingdom Halls of SELF CONTROL were built new.


Revalations of MILDNESS and SELF-CONTROL, led PEACE seeking Team
forward; after LONG SUFFERING. TEAMs KINDNESS and GOODNESS reigned.
One thousand years of JOY, brought Team's FAITH to perfect LOVE!

copyright dwgpoet 2007

© Copyright 2008 dwgpoet - All Rights Reserved
Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

1 posted 2008-02-01 08:14 PM


Dear dwgpoet,
  
           Thank you for this poem.  Alas, I must approach it in my own way, though I know that the method specified would probably work better for you.

     The poem offers difficulties to the average reader, I think, because of the worldview of the speaker.  I think the average reader would probably find the feel of what is happening through the poem difficult to grasp, and the notion of "Team-Wheat" with which you begin doesn't clarify itself except through the way the concept compounds and permutes through the progress of the poem.  The Capitalizations are distracting, and suggest personifications of these abstractions in an 18th century style.

     For all the difficulties here, and there are many, the major thing about this poem to my mind is that it is extraordinarily powerful.    The references to semi-biblical and semi-theological frames of references bring to mind a sort of uniquely American theology and a spirit of hope and transcendence behind it all.  The lines have a kind of rough muscular power to them, and they have a very solid feel.  There is a kind of chant to it that seems to gain power as it goes.

     Problems:  It is very difficult to gain access to this poem.  The language is highly idiosyncratic.  There is a set of  theological background assumptions put forward by the speaker that will keep many from finishing the poem.
The actual circumstances of the poem are unclear.

     Delights:  The poems is full of powerful rhythms and language.  It pulled me along through the whole of it with  a great deal of pleasure at the diction, the length variations on the sentences, and the nice pieces of vocabulary that popped up.  ("Shulammite" I do not know; "Shulamit" or "Shulamith" are hebrew names for women.)
I assume you know something biblical here that I don't know, and I'd appreciate you filling me in.

     I am an old and only semi-reconstructed hippy, so I couldn't help but notice the resemblance to the text I used to see on Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Oil Soap.  Is there any?

     Anyway, thank you very much.  Arf!  Arf!

          

dwgpoet
Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122
FL, USA
2 posted 2008-02-05 02:56 AM



Thanks Bob for "Problems"/"Delights.
Your critique is right.
I must re-write.

I free-wrote this poem in haste.
Hope its not a waste.
Time now for cut-and-paste.

Three to 5 critiques I wait,
before I berate,
till I contemplate,

How to edit and revise,
thus, surmize a prize,
till true Poems arise.

copyright dwgpoet 2007

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