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Critical Analysis #2
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For 1 in 150 - The Choice
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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For 1 in 150 - The Choice |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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Sometimes reality and fiction seem To reconcile their contradiction. In The world I think I share with you, I dream Myself as one who rises to the win When none in twenty years has even scored A point against this overwhelming foe. They learned today. My foe cannot afford To underestimate me – even though I underestimate me. Mere once meant The measure needed to complete the whole. I laugh before that fiction called consent: My only “choice” – I will accept this role. As long as love stands opposite to fear, For you, I won’t forget I am the Mere. * Again, playing around with the concept of "The Mere." WARNING - This poem was inspired by the legislative process.  |
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| © Copyright 2008 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Here comes redemption , at least in my case. If you got votes like you write poetry, it was a landslide. This one was enjoyable to read and I think a great improvement over Catalysis. . |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
This is a sonnet L11 has 11 syllables. I love this one too. A tune of decisiveness. But this one is more rational and logic. It not as emotional as Catalysis. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
TM: 11? Are you sure? Jim |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Jim, unless you read "called" as one. I paste this sentence to auto count http://www.wordcalc.com/ it showed 11 TM  [This message has been edited by TomMark (01-13-2008 09:37 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Called ” is a tricky one for me. If you go by the rules for syllables it is two syllables. If you go by the dictionary it is one. If you go by Tom’s link it’s two. I’ll just try not to use “called” in a poem |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
DEAR JBOUDER, Rather try for out best that the "Do your Worst" blurb you've got posted here. Youch! Ten or 11 syllables isn't a big deal, really. If you're going for formal stuff, as I guess you want to, it's probably better to read a bunch of poems out loud and try to get some sense of the metrical feet. Most of the good modern folks don't do a lot of formal stuff with some big exceptions. Most of the folks on the pip site don't have a good feel for metrics anyway. They mean well, but they have no feel for appropriate variations. Essorant knows his metrics pretty well indeed, but unless you subscribe to his theories of language, he's probably not going to be much of a help to you. Your best bet, while you continue your writing, which is good, is to think about your reading. I mean your poetry reading, specifically. And going to poetry readings where you can actually hear people read poems out loud. If you're near a university town (sorry, jb, but I'm a computer idiot and I don't know how to check your data and write this note without losing the note) or are near a city of any size, get to a place where peopole who publish their poems give readings. Prederably publish books of poems. Listen for sounds you like and for styles of saying things that blow you away. Poetry's great on the page, but it started out as people singing and talking and chanting stuff. Its strength is still for the ear, and it only really comes alive when it's read out loud. I wrote a bit of a poetry shortcut/game out when I was giving Chopsticks some feedback on a poem the other day that might be something that could be fun for you. I think it was on a poem called "I Can't Dance" or something like that. Chopsticks thought I was 65 years too late. Probably not, maybe so, who knows? If you find it useful, or want other feedback about that kind of stuff, let me know. I hate sonnets, by the way. One way that I've been playing with to get around my sonnet problem, other than simply continue my preference for free verse, is to come up with my rhymes first and then write the poem around those. You never have to worry about coming up with that next pesky rhyme, and if you let yourself do a little fantasy play to start out with, the rhymes you chose will almost give you poem before you start. If you don't like the way your fantasy is going, play around with the rhymes some more before you start the actual writing until you have your fantasy plot at least a little bit in mind. The way you have to modify it for the meter and syllable count will force some changes, of course, but not as many as you'd have to deal with if you'd have to come up with everything all at once. Or whatever else seems like fun to you. Best wishes, pretty decent try on the sonnet, keep writing, and have fun, BobK. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I thank you all for your comments. Chops and TomMark, I found your comments interesting, because I didn't think this was a very good sonnet. I think I got the meter and rhyme right, but beyond that (as Bob observed), I didn't succeed at doing much more. I'm still not sure how you can read "called" as two syllables. Perhaps there is a classical English rule of which I am not aware, but as I recall, "-ed" isn't considered a second syllable unless it occurs after "d" and "t" (i.e., "mused" vs. "muted", "refused" vs. "refuted"). Bob might agree that poetry is meant to be spoken moreso than it is meant for the page. I can't hear two syllables in "called" and wouldn't pronounce it with two, so I'm not sure I would change that. But I'm also not sure the poem's a keeper. I'm thinking I might salvage a few lines and start over. Bob, thanks for your encouragement. I promose to keep writing. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim, it is defiantly a keeper. Just because Bob shouted in his salutation doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it. I think he likes it. I know I like it and I think the Tomster likes it too. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Love your new picture. Now, you have a mission, mission possible!!!! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Well, TM, I'm very immature for my age. I thought the pic ought to reflect that. Bob's advice, by the way, is excellent. Jim |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Jim B, you are young and you shall stay even younger. Never, never let your inner child die. However, what should grow is your good poems, in number Have a wonderful weekend!!! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Mere once meant The measure needed to complete the whole. I'm having a little problem trying to understand that line, Jim. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Perhaps comparing the modern and obsolete definitions of "mere" would be helpful: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mere In short, "mere" didn't always diminish the word it modified. Jim |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
This is definitely a keeper as a sonnet. the ... in; sounded forced to me. However, this political poem is just my style. Keep em com... in; dwgpoet. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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