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Critical Analysis #2
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I can't dance
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I can't dance |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Yes, I’m having a lot of fun. I know I'm not the chosen one. I can't dance like Fred Astaire I do not have long curly hair. The coolest thing I ever did do, Was that stand with runaround Sue. I can’t write poetry like Edgar did. I never sired a handsome kid. I’m top page in the loser’s book You’ve heard of me, yes I’m that schnook So at my life you’ve had a peek. I think I’m pretty damn unique. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (01-12-2008 10:47 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Yes I know Tomster, one line has nine syllables . Us poets have a word for that, I just can’t remember the word . Substitute ? |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
"I can’t write poetry like Edgar did" poetry...muse....verse...rhyme...prose...lines...lay, psalm,tales, or put "cough" there. love this poem. I start getting your tune now. Thank you chops, for the sharing, and write more.  "I can not dance like Fred Astaire" I can't 9 too. and more. why keep it well formed?  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Chops: I like the message (as I read it) ... So what if I don't stand out - I've embraced and accepted who I am. "Schnook" seemed a little harsh. Seems more like an "earned" insult and I'm not seeing cause for it in your lines. You know what I think would be interesting ... expanding on this theme. You've given us the "before" and "after" snapshots, but haven't given us a look at the transition in between. My guess is there is wisdom to be found there. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim, thank you very much. Coming from you , I am quite flattered . You are E=MC2 personified and I mean that as a compliment. However, if I told you about the in between, I’d have to kill you . |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Chops: quote: I do take it as a compliment. When I was 6, my mom bought be a big fat book called "Tell Me Why." Apparently she thought I asked too many questions and that the book would shut me up. Not surprisingly, it didn't work (just led to more questions). In spite of that, I am a firm believer in "the right thing at the right time." For example, I heard a poem read at a funeral once that had inconsistent meter, forced rhyme, and an erratic syllable count. But ya know what? It was perfect (and I surprised several people who know me well by saying so). quote: LOL. These days, you might have to take a number. Doesn't daunt me in the least, though - I fear nothing ... except, of course, hordes of zombies.Jim |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Chopsticks, This one isn't and shouldn't be about socking it to the poem, Chopsticks. Screw the number of syllables here. The most important thing about this poem is its sense of play and its willingness to screw around and have fun with language. You're having fun. That's the point of it. The poem wants to play paddleball with you and that's what you need to do. You seem to be in too much of a hurry to make it into something serious and winning. Serious and winning is for later, if ever. May I offer a language game, a warm-up excerise as it were? It teaches a skill that you may find useful later, unless you get completely bored with it; and you can gather up some of the pieces you get from it, cut and paste them together and occasionally come out with a decent poem. It's pretty simple. You got your basic five senses, right? Sight, hearing, sensation, smell, and touch? What you do is you rotate through the senses, using one at a time as the focus for an image that you will use in a sentence. Try to make each one a clear observation if you can; though, what the hell, you're goofing around. The milkman's face was green as spinach. The sky this morning had never heard of the word blue. The ocean rolled in from Hawai'i, thick as bacon grease. Does it matter a whole lot? No it does not. You're trying to have fun. Can you come up with a really nauseating sight? A spooky sight? A sight that has three humps in it? A sight with no sense of humor? What the hell, pick the rules and change them, the more often the better. If you run through the whole set of five, you could stop right there, or you could try running through once or twice more..,. If you have a bunch of lines written, shuffle them around and see if there's some sort of wacky relationship among them. Odds are, there will be because they share the same wacky source material. Not just the dictionary. You may have to write some bridging material or toss some stuff into your notebook files for use on some future project or simply to barf over fondly in the future. Nothing is wasted. Will this give you the world's greatest poem? You bet it will. Trust me. I also have a bridge I can get for you very inexpensively. It may give you a decent poem that you can improve with work, and it may start you talking with your unconscious and with your own poetic process in a more dependable way than you're used to. Cross the fingers. If it doesn't help, flip me one or two, what the hell. Good luck, Good stuff, BobK. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bob, I decided to thank you with a four liner, I hope you like it. Btw, thanks for the sixth sense . Dear Bob, thank you for your critique, and the encouraging words you speak. Your words I’ll put them on my plate, But they are sixty five years to late. Thanks again Bob, I am having some fun.I hope the powers to be don't object. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Chopsticks, The Gods are mighty. I am not 65 years too late. Since when is fun confined to a time schedule? Grandma Moses started painting at 85. She would have started earlier, but she told herself she was too old. Of course, she was right, but then it didn't matter all that much either way, did it? Best, BobK. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bob, Grandma Moses started painting long time before she was 84 . Her work got discovered in a New York drugstore window when she was 78. So there is still hope for me. I guess Tom will claim he discovered me. If my stuff sales after I’m dead, give the money to the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army gave me a nice warm coat in in 1946 and I will never forget them. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
chopsticks, you're not on the top page of any loser's book.....or anywhere in the book. You're having a good time and enjoying the rest of your life....does it get any better than that? Yes, some critique could be given here about little deviations and things, but why? You're happy with it, the readers enjoy it...play it as it lays  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Balladeer, you are a very kind person, and I can tell by your writing that you have “ play it as it lays ” many times. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You make poetry fun, Chops... and isn't that part of what it's all about? Thanks for this smile!  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thank you Sunshine, I wish there was some Sunshine in Baltimore, it’s snowing . |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
oh, Chops, you are in Baltimore? close to Hopkins? One of my dear friend is there. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom, Hopkins is a big place and they have bought a lot of the property around them and they are getting bigger. If your friend is a physiatrists, I may know him/her or get to know them. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
no. A Neuro-scientist. http://www.jhu.edu/ryugolab/bios/bio_dave.html Extremely kind man. very kind. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
A neuro-scientist? Were you a patient of his, Tom?  |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
yes sir, that is why I start writing poems in this unknown language. and the wrong rhyming. He is in hearing research.  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I can get you two guys a gig in Atlantic City. I can get you headlined as the Able brothers, Hardly and Barely |
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