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Critical Analysis #2
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What is Not Heard
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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What is Not Heard |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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What Is Not Heard Someone looks up from the street possibly to see music swinging from chimes that are normally quiet or at least the walkers may imagine what they might, if they even see through half-opened blinds…  but these chimes are special, from another land, carried via passage from a long ago yesteryear, or so it seems; from another place, another time when there was a chocolat love, a Konrad spirit of want, and they, the chimes, they have decided that they remained quiet for far too long… and the wolf howls possibly they had to know a need in this, their new room; but it did not matter if the window was open, or if a fan was blowing… for now, in the middle of the night, when the moon listens, they sing and swing, a soft clinking of right, we agree, tinkling sweet sounds a mesmerizing syncopation and what the passersby don’t hear are the pleasant fantasies such sounds bring me beyond the blinds, and in steamed blush, the windows agree. " It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love ~*~ KRJ |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello folks. Dig away on this, because it was well received in Open, [thank you!] but Brad said "hey, post something old [or new - and there's not much new on the horizons just now] so for the new year, a polished resolution to visit CA more often and get some critical feedback on how to make the sun shine.  |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
My dear lady, how come you post your poem here to let all the alligators to stare at it? are you tough enough?  Happy New year to you again!!! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
A beautiful poem and another good way to start the new years . A wolf never howls unless it knows another wolf will hear it. I enjoyed this poem and I love wolves. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
TM, I have put a few poems here in the past. Yes, I do believe my touch skin is growing, to chew away! Chopsticks, Happy New Year to you, too! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sunshine: What a neat way to present something I believe we all experience. It is interesting how hearing a certain song (or sound) will transport your memory back to a specific time or place (for me, “Erasure” takes me back to a 4 x 2 pick-up truck heading across the country, a kitten sitting between me an my wife on the bench seat, with all my worldly belongings crammed into a U-haul trailer behind me). The illustration is helpful, but unnecessary (in my opinion). On to the poem. The first paragraph is where I think the poem could use some retooling. Reading it aloud, it seems to lack much of the lyrical quality that you have shown so well in the remainder of the poem. You’ve done such a nice job with the sound in much of the rest of the poem, I can’t help but wonder whether you intended the first paragraph to contrast so sharply with the rest? In any event, I’d lose “possibly” and may replace it with “perhaps” (the former is such a clumsy word). Also, grammatically, I think you need something after the first line. It seems to work better for me with a pause after “street”. I get the same impression with the line ending in “quiet”. But these are minor crits … I’d much rather get on to the rest of the poem. quote: First, why you must tell us the chimes are special? Wouldn’t it be more interesting if we gleaned this from our reading of the poem? Obviously, if they were carried from “another land” in a time characterized by “chocalat love” and “a Konrad spirit of want …”, AND they are now hanging in your window, they are special. I love the “Konrad” line, by the way. Youthful obsession (?) with discovery and exotic places – but seasoned with disappointment? If anything, you might consider exploring the other side of the Konrad coin a little more in this poem. As an aside, there are many ways to read Konrad (and perhaps I’m focusing too much on him here), but that leads me to wonder why the wolf is howling. I think, romantically, the wolf’s howl has come to signify a sense of loss. But wolves can also be frightening creatures and, in the real world, their howls might give one a reason for caution. My guess is that you intended the former (which is suggested by your later reference to the moon), but I think it would be interesting for you to explore the latter as well … ominous … foreboding. Again, tempering the naïve wanderlust of Konrad with the frightening moment one experiences as experiences dashes naïveté to the ground. With the exception of the word “syncopation”, I like what you’ve done with the sound in the rest of the poem. Again, I don’t think it would hurt to continue exploring the possibilities – there are certainly ways in which the scope of this poem can be expanded. In summary, I like the angle you’ve taken with this poem – it does a nice job of conveying feelings associated with fond memories connected with objects, but I think you could take it to the next level by building on the tension already present (albeit latently) in a few of your lines. Overall, I like the pacing of the poem. The conclusion lends itself toward the romantic understanding of the chimes’ meaning to the narrator. Again, I’d be interested in seeing what happens if you decide to reflect the light of the romantic off of the cold mirror of reality. Just my opinion but, like a good beginning to a book, you poem makes me want to read more. Jim |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I can't add much more than Jim (I had the same problem with "but these chimes are special" which would work for me if it was an intentional device to mimic say, a bedtime story. But I did want to say I love the last stanza. (The picture actually confused me, but I'm sleep-deprived today.) Your presentation is always pretty, though, so I don't mind the pics, I just couldn't figure out what the heck it was.  It's nice to have the smell of L'air du Temps in the place though. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jim, What an honor to have you comment on this poem. I’m going to try to dissect your comments thoroughly, so be patient with me, and then I will go on to Serenity’s comments. First, I never start any poem with a particular “sound” but your advice IS sound, and I will try to keep that in mind in the future. However, as you’ve displayed your comments, such is that, that perhaps, unintentionally, the fact that the starkness allows the softness to creep in is just as the poem deserves? We have such wrangled days that sometimes when I begin a poem, it is indeed with jangled nerves, and the total interaction afterwards becomes just that, a soft place to land. As for the “possibly” to be interchanged with “perhaps” is very key to me in that “perhaps” has been just that, a very key word in a great deal of my poetry; so perhaps I was looking to change myself here, just a bit, so as not to be blasé of myself? Going on to the specialness of the chimes; you are correct, I did not go on as to why these are so special to me. You see, (and please, abide with me a moment) a few years ago in response to a “dysfunctional family” poetic setting that was abundant in Open Forum, I came up with the character Konrad. [I have always had a fondness for that name, didn’t know why; later, I found out that an ancestor of mine from the 1400’s had that very name…go figure!] and I had done a large series of poems [which now rest in a booklet here at my elbow] all of which can be found in Open. I guess I base my work too much on McKuen in hindsight. One can read several of his books and see reference to others in books past. But he makes sense of his characters, so I guess I didn’t do a very good job in that, unless you were to go look into the past stories of Konrad, and Dana, his chocolat love. So, nothing “youthful” of the obsession. As for the wolf; look them up, and they howl for many reasons…and one is to let the female know that “here I am, where are you?” They also howl for territorial reasons, of course. But when you take the moon, the wolf, and love, and mix them together, you can get a very romantic conjecture. If and when you have a moment, Sir, it would be wonderful if you might look up the Konrad poems under Sunshine; I think you might settle back in and have a treat in time. Now, for both Serenity and Jim, as far as the photography goes, almost 99% of my poems that carry any type of photographic artwork are exclusively my own [and please believe me when I said I nearly had to stand on my head to get the shot you’re looking at here] but sometimes my artwork IS the poem, and I always hope that the words and the artwork stimulate one another. I did not realize that by stating “but these chimes are special” that I was detracting from the poem. That was my feeling and thought at the time; I look at them daily, and feel again the winds of the ocean along Cozumel; I hear again the laughter and the talks, whether serious or lightly spoken, and feel again the shift of the ship as it slipped into the bays. But you have both given me some wonderful lessons on how to look at a poem objectively, and I thank you so much for them, and will see them forward into 2008. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sunshine: It was my pleasure to read and offer my thoughts. Regarding "Konrad," I thought you were referring to Josef Konrad (or Joseph Conrad, author of "Heart of Darkness") ... my bad. If you've read Konrad/Conrad, that might help you follow my reading of your poem. As I've mentioned in other threads, I'm a bit rusty. I can't think of a better place to shake off the rust than here. Jim |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jim, Your gift is my treasure. I hope mine to you will offer the same. K |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
It is beautiful poem, I love to read it. and the title is the key "not heard" "What Is Not Heard Someone looks up from the street possibly to see music swinging from chimes that are normally quiet or at least the walkers may imagine what they might, if they even see through half-opened blinds…" Here are the words: looks up, see, quiet, imagine, see. and the topic here is the Chimes(the sound)...none of the words is related to hear. Those just bring out the whole imagination for the later. "but these chimes are special, from another land, carried via passage from a long ago yesteryear, or so it seems; from another place, another time when there was a chocolat love, a Konrad spirit of want," The spirit chimes that does not make sound but vibrate memories...love, of course love. nothing get to remember that long "and they, the chimes, they have decided that they remained quiet for far too long…" self talking as self deny.... there was "no" sound because there was no listener "and the wolf howls possibly they had to know a need in this, their new room; but it did not matter if the window was open, or if a fan was blowing… for now, in the middle of the night, when the moon listens," Sound and listener "they sing and swing, a soft clinking of right, we agree, tinkling sweet sounds a mesmerizing syncopation" The all howl to the moon but they listen to each other. Moon has not a clue. "and what the passersby don’t hear are the pleasant fantasies such sounds bring me beyond the blinds, and in steamed blush, the windows agree." I think that you may cut the tail off. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Sunshine, I had no trouble recognizing your art work of a wolf howling under a full moon , but not at a full moon.. Yes, wolves howl for many reasons , but never at the moon and only if another wolf can hear them. I enjoyed your poem and I read it for that reason, I am not a poetry connoisseur. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
TM, specify, please, which tail? Thank you for your insights. I'm not sure if you mean the last stanza, or something else. Surely not the wolf's tail.  Chopsticks, thank you for your time in reading. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
My dear Lady Sunshine, I think that the last stanza was extra to explain the "not heard". If one have not the sensitive heart, passersby or people standing by you, will never hear. My thought |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ah, very good, Tom. Thank you. |
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Yejun Junior Member
since 2007-11-21
Posts 49 |
I was wondering if you might try to make the picture more integral to the poem. It really does seem like an interruption. quote: I think you've definitely got the right tone here, but I'm curious about the fantasies. The passersby don't hear the fantasies. We don't either. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Yejun, Thank you for your comments. I'm beginning to rethink photo-poetry, with the exception of words on photographs, themselves. Sometimes, they compliment each other. And from what I'm seeing here in the form of feedback, it seems to be more of an unnecessary interruption. Ahem. As to the second part of your comment, you want me to go ahead and display in word the actual fantasies? We'd have to move this to another forum.  As a side note to those that may read this again, please know that I'm taking all of the above into my writer's meeting tonight. I believe I've shared this particular poem with them before, but I want to introduce them into the pleasant side of CA - the side where articulate interaction can occur, and comments from all over the world can enhance one's ability to work on becoming a better poet. Thank you all for your input. You've all promised to make this a very interesting evening! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: I'm kind of curious as to what happened here. Care to share with us? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Brad, my mother [in-law] passed away, our meeting was postponed, so I will be taking this to them at our next meeting. I will come back to let you know how it went. Thank you! |
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