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Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

0 posted 2007-12-30 06:21 PM

Staccato sunshine, I'm not sure it works

but that's what I'll stick with at least

a second or two, maybe more, I don't know.

I do know I had to recharge this watch

for my father's sake, for my mother said

that was what I was supposed to do.

We had to follow the path, but we didn't

and found ourselves stuck in a patch

of prickly 'I don't knows'. I was young then,

Bored and full of something or others,

long forgotten or renewed like an annual subscription.

God, do me a favor, when I get old, don't

let me grow up to write old guy poems.

I'm really tired of them and they tire the

writer, I think. I think they are written

because their writers write and can not stop

or think like keeping meter when you have

no reason. True, but why them?

"Why them?" Kari screamed when she saw

two old people in a convertible corvette

or something, I forget why these old guys

get published writing old guy poems. I guess

we'll have to dig a fort and place

the watch between the rotted, wood panes.

I guess we'll have to dig staccato sunshine.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2007-12-30 10:03 PM

There are several reasons I like this poem,
most of them being personal.

If I had one nit to pick, it would be the repeated, "...I think. I think..." One is enough.

"Can not" might be one word.

And I do not see a reason to put a comma after "rotted, wood panes."

Other than that, for me?

It's a

...on many levels.

Thank you!

P.S. A final note: I subscribe to "The Writer's Almanac" and felt that your poem would be one that Keillor might well enjoy.

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

2 posted 2007-12-31 03:41 PM

Yes, I agree that it needs to be tweaked a bit, but I'm very happy that you responded to this.

Perhaps there is something to this notion of telepathy?

You see, it all began when I noticed your name and, at the same time, saw the word staccato used in a couple of poems at a 'professional' site. Now, I've always liked the word but never wrote anything with it. I put your name and that word together and a kind of weird constellation (maybe it was just a light bulb?) appeared before me.

Sometimes, it really does just happen.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2007-12-31 05:37 PM

Yejun, you're talking to a woman who believes deeply in telepathy...I think what you really heard, though, was the alliteration that follows in the title alone. That's enough to make your poem sing.

I think you would do well with a highly alliterative piece...give it a go. Nudge me, and I'll peek.

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

4 posted 2007-12-31 07:19 PM

We had to follow the path, but we didn't

and found ourselves stuck in a patch

of prickly 'I don't knows'.

I love this line.

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

5 posted 2008-01-04 05:58 PM

beautyincalvary,

thankyou.

Sunshine,

No doubt the alliteration was a part of it.

To Old Guys,

This was not a reference to anybody here. I was reading the Atlantic or Harper's or The New Yorker or one of those kinds of magazines and read three poems by three big names (One of them was Hollander, I think) and all were about being old.

I just wondered if the editor was thinking in terms of the name and not in terms of the poem.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

6 posted 2008-01-04 06:13 PM

I read at least three times but I need more of your explanations to understand it.

Sir Brad must have already revised it.

So sound like his. Your other 3 poems were very clear.

Yejun
Junior Member

since 2007-11-21

Posts 49

7 posted 2008-01-04 06:36 PM

Ha! Yes, Brad looked at it.

I don't know if this'll help but here's the structure:

quote:
Staccato sunshine, I'm not sure it works

but that's what I'll stick with at least

a second or two, maybe more, I don't know.

I do know I had to recharge this watch

for my father's sake, for my mother said

that was what I was supposed to do.

Now, but now leading to then.

quote:
We had to follow the path, but we didn't

and found ourselves stuck in a patch

of prickly 'I don't knows'. I was young then,

Bored and full of something or others,

long forgotten or renewed like an annual subscription.

Then.

quote:
God, do me a favor, when I get old, don't

let me grow up to write old guy poems.

I'm really tired of them and they tire the

writer, I think. I think they are written

because their writers write and can not stop

or think like keeping meter when you have

no reason. True, but why them?

Now but leading to later.

quote:
"Why them?" Kari screamed when she saw

two old people in a convertible corvette

or something, I forget why these old guys

get published writing old guy poems.

Then leading to later.

quote:
I guess

we'll have to dig a fort and place

the watch between the rotted, wood panes.

I guess we'll have to dig staccato sunshine.

Now/then leading to later. Indecision to face the future? I guess if you want to paraphrase that's as good as anything else.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

8 posted 2008-01-04 08:24 PM

Sir Brad must has added all of those "I don't know"s.

Live life step by step,
that was you father said.
You don't know and don't want to
but mom wants you to follow dad

nothing wrong to give a try
but stick to one thing made life very dry
and there were so many other stuff
made you so easy to get distracted.

Or pray let yourself be your side
and not to repeat that old style
which all made you tired
and in much a self deny

see old people did quite right
to show you how to spend a valuable time
they had fun
and they made very good write

You have to , as you guess
dig staccato sunshine
among things that you think
as those very old trite

my understanding

[This message has been edited by TomMark (01-05-2008 07:55 PM).]

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