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Critical Analysis #2
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One Night Stand
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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One Night Stand |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
walking into the cold house I see the flash on my machine knowing that it's you I turn around to leave I knock on the door of room 17 where you said you would be it opens up and there you stand impatiently waiting for me i'm searching for words yet the silence remains I need to say something but theres nothing to say I know I can't keep coming here because it always ends the same I wake up start the coffee and I search for my clothes I call up my sister and wait on the curb she pulls up beside me I beg her, "don't say a word" he wont make a comittment but I seem to be just fine leaving in the morning being his one night stand |
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| © Copyright 2007 Krysti - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
hunnie_girl,, I can’t explain why it’s good, but I know good when I see it and this is good. Looks like TomToo is not the only .... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Walking into the cold house, I see the flash on my machine, and go to the door of room 17. There's nothing to say after where you said you would be impatiently waiting for me. I wake up, start the coffee, call my sister, and wait on the curb I beg her, beg her, "Don't say a word!" He won't commit, but I'm okay, I leave in the morning and feel fine: The silence and the moment are mine. Sorry, can't sleep and decided to play around here. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Sir Brad, "The silence and the moment are mine." Can't talk for woman. Woman with such strong mind will not go one-night-stand thing. 99 TM |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I'm sure that the 4 line stanza thing was thought out. My comment is how well you fit a whole thought in that small space. I feel there is purpose to the space between stanzas in that they give the reader the chance to connect the pictures created in each group with whatever comes naturally to them. I hope that makes sense. Very nice. Dane And a song that I was writing is left undone. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: I didn't change the thought, TM. You're welcome to read that ironically but how that translates into strong minds is beyond me. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Sir Brad, the talker in this poem sounded helplessness or a sense of "have to take the results" because he wound not commit. Yours sounded decisive, like Sherry Rowlands who took down Dick Morris. That is how I felt. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Can't talk for woman. Woman with such strong mind will not go one-night-stand thing.” Contra my dear tom, its all in the mind. The stronger the mind the quicker the one night stand. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: I think it's both. I understand your corrective to my variant, but be careful not to err too far to the other side. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear hunnie_girl, You've been trying to put a very difficult experience intp words; not simply words, but poetry. In reading over the comments you've gotten so fa. One seems supportive of your compression, another has some difficulty being specific as to what the good qualities are. I would suggest courage and ambition here in trying tough subject matter. Some of the negatives have to do with the feelings people have about the subject matter and the stance the speaker is taking. For the purposes of the poem, the speaker doesn't need to be a paragon of virtue of any sort. She simply needs to be interesting. Some of the mostr interesting characters in literature are not people you'd enjoy having a beer with. Lady Macbeth would not be a great drinking buddy, for example. What is difficult about your speaker is that you leave her without very much definition. You inhabit her so completely that you don't give the reader much detail of her, her world, or the people around her. So we don't know very much about her except virtual dumbness and a choice of submissiveness. What one gets in a situation like this, where one side of a relationship is characterized by submissiveness and silence, as it is in the relationship of the Speaker and her Lover, and the Speaker and her sister, and the Speaker and her judging self, and of course the Speaker and at least some parts of her Audience, is that the other side of the relationship is goaded into a simmering rage. You can see this played out by the Lover. You can see this being—probably unsuccessfully—warded off by the Speaker from her Sister; and you can see this being played out by some of the reactions of the audience. These I won't quote. This, by the way, is all to the good. I don't mean this as criticism, but to point out what a powerful emotional button you've found here, and to point out how powerfully you've got people reacting. The question to my mind is what details do you need to supply in the poem to flesh this out more fully, to make the picture and the experience more real and more compelling. You need to use your imagination to place yourself more fully in the scene so you can give us some of the detail, not a lot, and you need to untangle some of the knots you've given us. First, the speaker is not this guy's one night stand. The two of them are playing a game together about guilt and responsibility, and that takes much more than a single meeting, and it takes many more than two players. Each person makes substantial gains in terms of attention by playing. If there were no gain, the relationship would end very quickly. Second, each of them has made a committment to the relationship. Neither of them is willing to be explicit about the kind of relationship they have committed to, and what they get out of it. They have their dignity to protect. Thirds, these things being said, you probably don't want to deal with them in the poetry. They're too rational and don't muster the kind of feeling that we spoke about earlier. Once you gather enough of the detail to flesh out the poem, you'll start to see a more pictoral path through the poem, more like a movie. Try to revise in that direction and see where that takes you. Try to keep the same emotional undertone that you've got now. See how it goes. Some suggestions, anyway. Good luck, BobK. |
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