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Drunk Again
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Drunk Again |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
~Well ima just about ready to hear anything you have to dish out 2 me.... ok now I am ready  like to know how to be a better writer ~Drunk Again I wonder if he's drunk again as I slip under the cool sheet silently waiting I wonder is he drunk enough to hurt me His shadows gliding on the wall I can hear his footsteps click making sure everyones asleep so he can come and visit me He'll start by taking off his clothes then slowly slide in next to me and tomorrow morning he'll pretend I was only having a bad dream I know he knows I know of him and what he does to me at night I wonder how he lives eachday knowing what he does isn't right Even though now I know I am safe he hasn't touched me for some time I always think back to those times when I wished he wasn't drunk again. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Drunk Again “ It seems to me, I’ve heard that song before . There will be some that disagree with me, but when you are starting out to write, write about what you know that you know you know. I didn’t believe for one micro second that you had experienced your poem. If I have made your blood boil, write about that, just spell my name right. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Hi hon~ I found your write to be VERY real in describing the terror that some feel when they are experiencing this horrificly unfortunate situation~ Believe me when I say that there are many who will relate to this~ Chopstuck~ Just FYI ... one does not have to 'live it' to effectively write about it~ K~ Keep on keeping on with expressing your thoughts ... you touch many~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! Strong stuff, and not bad! A few thoughts: Drunk Again I wonder if he's drunk again as I slip under the cool sheet silently waiting I wonder is he drunk enough to hurt me This reads very well out loud. Letting the readers supply the punctuation is a legitimate strategy. If you look at the whole poem, the lines end with a complete thought or image. The only slight possible awkwardness is in line three above where the readers need to add a comma “silently waiting, I wonder,” It’s not major, and it may just be my reading. His shadows gliding on the wall I can hear his footsteps click making sure everyones asleep so he can come and visit me This stanza has a syntax problem. The short form suggestion is: “His shadows glide along the wall” Otherwise, it’s a dangling modifier. And there’s a simple typo. It’s “everyone’s” He'll start by taking off his clothes then slowly slide in next to me and tomorrow morning he'll pretend I was only having a bad dream What does “slowly” add to slide? Is there a better adjective? Does it need an adjective? I know he knows I know of him and what he does to me at night I wonder how he lives eachday knowing what he does isn't right Oops. Here you fall prey to the temptation to rhyme. Could be stronger without it? If you want to change a line, think about the last one. And mini-typo: “each day” Even though now I know I am safe he hasn't touched me for some time I always think back to those times when I wished he wasn't drunk again. The poem deals with an extremely powerful theme. The ending doesn’t do it justice. For what it’s worth, ending a powerful poem with a powerful conclusion is often the toughest part. What might happen if you stepped away from these four lines completely? What do you want the poem to express: Relief (weak)? Anger? Loss of innocence? What the lines say now is “Thank goodness that’s over.” Anything stronger the poem might say? Best, Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (12-10-2007 03:44 PM).] |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
chopsticks Never do I write a poem on what I don't know, Everything I write I live.. Was it not real enough? Thank you all for your comments Krysti |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Believability and reality are two different things. Marge is right (I can't believe I just wrote that.). You don't have to experience something to write about it effectively, but even more if you have experienced it, you want to keep that to yourself. Poetry or verse has a very different aesthetic 'punch'. The more reality you claim, the less that punch will matter, and the more the poem will become a vehicle for something else. Now, if that's what you want to do, okay, but do you see how considerations of diction, syntax, meter, and rhyme seem somehow irrelevant if your main focus is relating a real event? They still matter or rather they should still matter, but ultimately the question or these questions are dependent, not on what happened to you, but on how you want the reader to react. How do you want the reader to react here? |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
quote:I'll have a double heaping of that quote !!  quote: I felt the punch of the realism of your story, HunnieGirl~ I would call that effective writing~ And I do~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ Email - noles1@totcon.com |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Everything I write I live.. “ If you say so hunnie girl, but if my brother or my father raped me, I would want to keep it to myself. Btw, one of the best English teachers of the twentieth century told a graduating class, until you are sure of yourself write about what you know. Later she was asked, how will you know when you can write about anything, she said, you’ll know nobody will have to tell you. TAXI |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
HunnieGirl~ I came back in to re-read Jim's wonderful critique~ He has some very valuable points for you to consider~ Now -(pardon me in advance for getting sidetracked by ChopStucks reply - quote:Oh my~ Far too often young women (and/or young men) who are violated by a family member are tied up in silence~ Only by NOT keeping it to oneself can much-needed help be given to the victims~ Silence is NEVER, EVER the way~ Also by sharing this misery ... another may be touched and helped~ Compassionate love and understanding is the way to help another~ *Huglets* to you again, Hunnie~ ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Now -(pardon me in advance for getting sidetracked by ChopStucks reply - “ Tidel, don’t ever let ChopStucks sidetrack you. I ignored you once for old time sake, but I can’t let you do it twice. Much of what you say would be good if it happen that way but out here in the real world it just don’t happen that way. Almost all victims report the sexual abuse after they are adults. Pedophiles usually go unpunished unless there is a smoking gun. For every sexual abuse case that is reported by an adult hundreds go unreported , Gosh, I wonder why. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Other than the fact that 'slowly' is an adverb, not an adjective  , I agree with Jim's assessment.I would drop that last strophe and replace it with something more, I don't know, more 'in the moment' before you feel safe. You either love or hate the last episode of the Sopranos, but it is still being talked about. I was talking about it last week.  As an exercise, you might try a free verse, no rhyme version and see which one you like better. Just a thought. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
"For every sexual abuse case that is reported by an adult hundreds go unreported , Gosh, I wonder why." Chopsticks not everyone wants to tell people how they feel... it makes u feel dirty and ashamed and you dont want people to look at you differently.. But sometimes you gotta let it out.. so I wrote a poem. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Jim, Marge and Brad thank you for your support and ideas(critiques) One fo these days when I have time I will revise my poem free verse... I think I xan try that Krysti |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Preamble to CA: “Post poems here to invite more in-depth critiques, and join the conversations on what makes poetry work. Rated PG” Hunnie Girl, if you want to exclude my comments as not a critique, that is OK by me. We all don’t want to have a conversation about punctuation, syntax, grammar, and so forth . There are more than enough English majors to do that. Not many, but a few of us talk about where the rubber meets the road, like content, ideas, and some of the other things that also makes poetry work. I couldn't have said it better: " Chopsticks not everyone wants to tell people how they feel... it makes u feel dirty and ashamed and you dont want people to look at you differently.." |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Why not? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“We all don’t want to have a conversation about punctuation, syntax, grammar, and so forth” Brad , Bad grammar on my part I should have said: Some of us don’t want to have a conversation about punctuation, syntax, grammar, and so forth. “ Why not “ It is so boring, to do that all the time. |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
quote: I'm guessing this is the voice of experience, chopsticks? Surely, you wouldn't want to be an insensitive jerk by merely speculating about something so personal and serious and traumatic. You wouldn't want to guess. So, your father raped you? Oh, wait, you already told us you'd deny it, didn't you. That's okay, don't bother. It's not really any of my business any way, is it? Just like it's absolutely none of your business what did or didn't happen to anyone else in these forums. Discuss the poem, chopsticks. Not the people. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Ron, my first reply to this poem was a hundred percent about the poem and what I believe. Then in your opinion it got convoluted , but was that my fault? I don’t think so. |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
quote: You and I clearly have a different definition of a hundred percent, chops. You were out of line from your first post, and it only got worse from there. And, yea, that was your fault. Please stop. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
hunnie_girl: This is a tough one. When I first read it, I was reluctant to critique it, but now I'm convinced that this is what you want ... so here goes. I think what you have here is a good first draft - or something I might expect to see in a diary ... you've laid your thoughts on the table and the next step, in my opinion, is to decide what to do with those ideas. To me, the idea that stood out most was "I was only having a bad dream." If I was writing a poem for an audience about a traumatic experience and my thoughts coughed up this line, I might choose to build my poem around this idea. In this way I think it would be possible to describe the experience without giving too much away in the beginning, from the perspective of one proceeding through a bad dream and awakening to one that's even worse. In my opinion, this will strengthen its effect. A trick in poems like these (again, in my opinion) is to get your readers to feel a little of what you are feeling. It isn't easy, but I think it is worth the effort. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
There will be some that disagree with me, but when you are starting out to write, write about what you know that you know you know. I didn’t believe for one micro second that you had experienced your poem ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ron, you took this out of context : .” I didn’t believe for one micro second that you had experienced your poem “ I was just telling the poet that I was not convinced and I was expounding on what I had said in the first of the statement. “ Please stop. “ You got it, you’ll think I’m dead . |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
hunnie? I want to congratulate you for being brave on several different levels. Writing about a painful subject (a situation I hope is not current) is extremely courageous. Posting that for the entire world to see? Again, courageous. But posting that in a critique forum--well now, that's ultimate in my book. Like Marge, I think you got a lot of excellent advice, so there is not much more I can add. I wasn't crazy about the title though, I do confess. But you did give it a title, and considering the challenge of trying to find a couple of words to describe the content of such, I think that is understandable. I'll look forward to reading more from you--and some of us are here to examine all aspects of poetry. Thanks so much for sharing.  Btw? Your critique message...well, now. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. Much love to you, hunnie. |
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