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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad I found the poem. We can discuss it if you like, maybe the off rhyme in the first stanza I want to be a part of it , the rumble and tumble of life. To take it in my arms each day, look it in the eyes and laugh. To sense its very essence in some small quiet country town. Or maybe join the circus and play a stumbling clown. Maybe catch a freighter and sail across the sea. Or even go to college and get a law degree. Or I could spend my money and have a little fun. But I better get a move on, I just turned seventy one. I wanted to post this as a new topic. |
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| © Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
This poem is charming. It has the flavor of James Whitcomb Riley. Best, Jim  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, thank you very much . The poem is based on a true story that I wrote for my birthday a few years ago . I guess being in my ninth decade, is what makes me such a ornery old cuss. I'm going down to my deer stand for a couple hours. I may not be able to do that next year. The dears won't miss me because I never shoot at them, only with my digital. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed this a lot. On the off rhyme: first reading: didn't even notice it. I usually skip headers and jump into the poem. second reading: Hmmm, wonder if there's a reason. third reading: thought it was a great variation, it enhances the poem, makes it better with it than without it. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I truly love this poem , Chops. And This is indeed a very good one. "I want to be a part of it, the rumble and tumble of life." I---who is "I"? Your selfconscious? or you conscience? "To take it in my arms each day, look it in the eyes and laugh." How you love and cherish your life. a very interesting way to say it. I'll write more later. Tom |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thanks Brad and Tom, I was afraid not to mention the off rhyme, somebody may think I didn’t know that it was off and that would spoil my record of being perfect. The “ I “ was the conscience me. Tom you can ask some deep questions, but sometime I don’t think you know that . |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops, do please not talk like Sir Brad. I am only able to handle one (or even one I doubt) sir Brad. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
"look it in the eyes and laugh." Chops, tell me why you use "laugh"? why not "sigh"? Laugh can mean happy or at your age which I have passed, means "for good or for bad, I have coped well" or "for lost or win , I used to be so serious, now, it is just nothing to me." why laugh here? "To sense its very essence in some small quiet country town." Chops, do we view ourselves greater in smaller and quiet place? Did I lost myself in New York? because everyone seems bear more important role in this world than me. why sense the essence of live in a country town? The essence of life is love...so there must be some love stories in each of the "some". "Or maybe join the circus and play a stumbling clown." Do you mean here that life was too hard sometime so we should forget it now and then To be out of reality. Or we shall view life like circus. Something here I felt that I can not put into words. "Maybe catch a freighter and sail across the sea." A very poetic tune. crossing sea of unknown along the invisible road but did not mention where you want to go...let the life take you. "Or even go to college and get a law degree." very concrete aim for justice, for money and for political reason...to be a senator. the extreme of unpoetical. "Or I could spend my money and have a little fun." let life go easy "But I better get a move on, I just turned seventy one." summary as every day life. This is a reflection of past life. A very good one. and a late happy birthday to you!! dear Chops. [This message has been edited by TomMark (12-08-2007 07:57 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ The essence of life is love...” Tom, there you go getting deep. I’m going to tell you something but keep it confidential . The other day I was chatting with a good friend and he ask, what would you do different in your life. He didn’t expect an answer, but I gave him one. I told him that I would strive to be less competitive . He then told me that being competitive was a sign of insecurity . Here I was trying to tell my friend I would like to have been a regular guy, when he put me in my place. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
exactly, Chops! You are smart and full of wits. Everyone is an ordinary oneself. Only one is bright enough to know it. Do we need other people to tell us how wrong was our past...or is your friend a preacher? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
chopsticks: The cadence is very interesting. May I ask when you started writing poetry and when you wrote this one? Just following a hunch. And this is the CA forum ... the only thing that struck me during the first reading is that you don't seem to bridge the thoughts and sounds between the first and second stanzas as well as you do between the others. It tripped me up a little on my first read, but didn't seem to be as much of an issue for me on the second. As a whole, I really liked the poem. As I mentioned earlier, you did a nice job with the poem's rhythm ... it reads easy and made me want to keep going. And the last line was great. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
‘’ May I ask when you started writing poetry and when you wrote this one “ Jim I’ll be happy to tell you that if you will first tell me what your hunch is. What part of the world do you live in? Do you think you know me.? Do I owe you a lot of money ? Are you going to hurt me? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
No problem Jim, this was one of my first and I wrote it about10 years ago , I posted it in another forum sometime back. I don’t remember what forum. It has been rolling around in my head for maybe sixty years. In 1948 I was on a freighter carrying a load of grain to Germany when I found a copy of (The Best Loved Poems Of The American People) in the ships library. I have been hooked ever since. I love you for your cigarettes and chewing gum, those were the days. Btw, if you see Ocean tell him Kipling has some poems in the above poem book, that should stand for something. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Chopsticks: I don't think I know you (although I suppose it is possible) and I'm certain you don't owe me money. I live in central PA. Your poem reminded me of a sailor's poem I read that was published in my father's "Our Navy" magazines that his parents collected while he served in the South Pacific in WWII (he served on a destroyer in Halsey's fleet). Not so much by the content, but by the rhythm. I'll have to try to dig it up. Again, I liked the poem. Thanks for humoring me. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim , thank you very much. I hope you find the poem and post it here before I leave. Thank you again as I have only tried to lift this place up some and it needs lifting. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Here it is. Granted, the subject matter is very different than yours, but, for whatever reason, your poem brought this one back to my memory. "Destroyers" by Jeff MacDonald (Our Navy, August 1, 1945, p. 16) Of lithsome grace and lovely line, Our haughty ladies dressed in grey, Have features perfect, small and fine, Fair creatures of a form divine; And every inch they're yours and mine, Our favorite ladies dressed in grey. Where there's a fight to right a wrong, These are the ladies dressed in grey. They're slim and supple, quick and strong. Where there's a battle fierce and long, Their hard throats hot with battle song, In go the ladies dressed in grey. Across the vast and untamed sea Our proud fine ladies dressed in grey Through storm or calm to Victory, Will fight or die for you and me. With bold, high hearts, forever free, On go the ladies dressed in grey. Destroyers ring the Victory Bell Destroying ladies dressed in grey, Dianas, sound the Axis' knell. Through battle fire, bomb and shell Down to and through the Gates of Hell Advance the ladies dressed in grey. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim, there is nothing wrong with memories. In the final analyzes , that’s all we have. I know you are proud of your father as we all should be. I would like to think, that we may have passed like ships in the night. Take care, |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
"look it in the eyes and laugh." Ahh good way to live life  I liked the way you exspressed yourself chopsticks.Krysti [This message has been edited by hunnie_girl (12-15-2007 02:53 AM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
hunnie_girl, thanks , you are a class act, you are what it’s all about. When you get to heaven, I want your autograph. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Class act i'm hoping that is a good thing lolKrysti |
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