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Response to Huan Yi
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Response to Huan Yi |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Response to Huan Yi Orihime must be able to cross The Amanogawa River without Maring its surface. So she may rejoin Hikoboshi, her beloved husband, She walks across a bridge of sparrow's wings. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To learn to walk lightly across the stars. Dear Huan Yi, I've tried to make it my own without making the legend weep. If it's crying, I hope it's not too loudly. I wanted sparrows because I decided I liked them there. No special symbolic stuff, simply personal obsessional choice. Comments from anybody are welcome, of course. Best to all, BobK |
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| © Copyright 2007 Bob K - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
And between the rains. Very good one. I am actually waiting to read your poems. Thank you for sharing. Tom |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
" Very good one. I am actually waiting to read your poems." I agree with Tom. Have you posted one yet? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Maybe you could give us a little more background. I know the story, but I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here. Personally, I liked sparrows at first, but after thinking about it, kept wondering how she avoided their heads. I don't know what to do with 'maring'. Marring? Seaing? horsing? I'm at a loss. Personally (again), I probably would have focused more on the celebration and the children and less on the myth, but that's just me. There's also something to be said for using literal translations of the names or variations of the literal (homonyms in Japanese and then translated into English or whatever) to make the poem more interesting and more accessible for the un-Japanesed of us. Of course, that also depends on the sound you want as well. But tell us more, okay? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! The background to this poem can be googled under "Orihime, Kengyuu, and Tanabata" (No quotes.) Despite having no knowledge at all of the legend, I found the poem itself had completeness and skill. The metaphors "bridge of sparrow's wings" and "weave 10,000 kimonos" are very effective. One doesn't need to know -- as I didn't -- that "orihime" means weaver to feel the impact of the latter. Also, a very interesting use of the word "So" in line three. It seems to imply something like "this being accomplished." And "maring" seems to be a typo for "marring." Best, Jim  [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (12-10-2007 01:51 PM).] |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanabata |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Folks, Alas, this is a poem post. Sorry, it doesn't seem to blow you out of the water. I'll keep at it. "Maring" isn't a typo. It should be "marring." I spell too poorly sometimes actually to know I've made a mistake. At home and on submissions, I run spell check; all I've figured out here is the dictionary function. I have to go out of town for a week, so I don't want you to feel ignored: Thank you for the feedback. Any more you care to offer is welcome as well. Sincerely, BobK |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
" I have to go out of town for a week " Have a lovely trip and hurry back . |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
This is a pleasant read. I didn't have any problems with it. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi BobK -- I'm sorry if I didn't express how much I enjoyed this poem. The lines: "She walks across a bridge of sparrow's wings. She has woven 10,000 kimonos To learn to walk lightly across the stars." don't require any knowledge of context to blow someone away. The beginning of the poem stands up on its own, and, at the same time calls out for a good google. No problem with that, either. An understanding that Orihime is a celestial being opens up the metaphors. Of course, when you google "Orihime," you have to get past all the Orihime anime' fan sites. Weird universe. Best, Jim |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
My first thought is that I think you missed a trick here. Why not seven lines with seven syllables. |
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