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Critical Analysis #2
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At the Swings
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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At the Swings |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
Puddles, and bracelets of scuffed bloom. The wet trees butt water and the river noses past the bridge, the arches stubbled with moss, to where reeds swim with sandstone in a black mirage and only the punctuation of swans, bent like question marks, dazzles. He swings, his bright red shoes a challenge to the consensus of cloud and rooftiles, the wash of grey and green. He stretches out his hands, palm outwards, "I can let go, and hold onto nothing." He's kept me moored like a full stop on this page that he'll desert one day without a thought. There's colour in the world, a dazzle of colour, but where could I go to see such a brush stroke, bold against the sky? I could let go, but would hold onto nothing. [This message has been edited by Craw (11-25-2003 07:07 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Craw - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This one immediately drew me in, but in L 3, I sort of tripped up momentarily while I figured out the meaning. I know you mean something such as abut, border, etc., and using a different word, in my mind, would help it to flow as easily as the rest of it did. “Roof tiles” should be two words, as should “full stop” These few mistakes didn’t stop me from wanting to read on, because within the simplicity of your words, you’ve created some compelling imagery. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Craw, It's good to see you in Critical Analysis again  I really liked the imagery as well and the sentiment you've captured here. "The wet trees butt water and the river noses past the bridge, the arches stubbled with moss" "the" gets a bit wearied in these lines. Perhaps "a river" and "under arches" may do a bit better, just for the flow. "noses" is a wonderful verb choice. "and only the punctuation of swans, bent like question marks, dazzles." I love that idea. "He's kept me moored like a full stop" I think you could replace "kept" with the hidden "has" here. "He has me" Hope my suggestions are sound. Enjoyed the reading. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-25-2003 10:49 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
A pleasure to read for sure. Like Sid, I stumbled at line 3 briefly. At first I wanted to read butt as a noun (silly me). Maybe that's what bothered Sid too. I think his suggestion would prevent this potential problem. In fact, I really like all the suggestions made by both Sid and Essorant. It rarely hurst a poem to trim out some of the unnecessary articles and such. Nice job. Thanks. Pete |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
Hi, your tone seems a little confused towards the beggining but your final lines are wonderfully evocative and wistful. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Good point by Ess regarding "The." But, I think you could simply remove them without changing anything else. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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