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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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long distance |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
This night sings truth As far I see I like the stars And they seem to like me [This message has been edited by Bill Shirnberg (11-06-2007 12:15 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Bill Shirnberg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Not too bad for a lightsome verse. Here is a small adjustment to help it read better: This night sings truth As far as I may see, I like the stars And they seem to like me. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
You may be right but the second line is intentionally unclear and ambivalent in its meaning, that is able to go more than one direction. Sometimes I like to shoot for the maximum of minimum in my poems but maybe that does make the to unclear I guess its just my style but I like people to puzzle at them a bit. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"You may be right “ Bill, there is no question that Essorant is right. In a poem as unambiguous as this one is, why would you want to muddy it up with bad grammar ? When someone tells you the stove is hot, say thank you. There is no need to smell burning flesh. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
If you think about it the line reads quit literal though describing the moment As far I see as I'm seeing far don't mean to be defensive but its my favorite line I just like the way it sounds. I do need the input though its what its all about here thanks |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bill, you are welcome. Your poem was real good ; but more like a quote . I have heard Carl Sagan say something like that. "The night sings the truth As far as I cane see, I like the stars And they seem to like me." |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Not bad, Bill. What kills it for me is the last line. Both the meter and the syllables make it choppy and ill-fitting with the other lines. I would suggest... This night sings truth As far I see I like the stars They seem to like me or This night sings truth As far I see I like the stars And they like me My personal preference would be to change it around.... This night sings truth As far I see I like the stars Do they like me? |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
you are right about the ending I'll think about that to me it is a little twinkle twinkle in sentiment but then everyone likes looking at the stars here a re rite this night sings true as far I see I see the stars do they see me |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
forget that one to much seeing then again can yous see to much? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Excellent, Bill! Seeing is much, much better than like. We see a lot of things. The question is...do they see us back? They are beautiful and important to us? Are we to them...or are we insignificant? That change adds a lot of meaning to your thoughts. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bill, there has been a lot of vision for these 16 words and I think you almost have it with this last one: this night sings true as far I see I see the stars do they see me But, if you changed it from a particular night to any night since the beginning of time until the end of time, I would like it better and I think Carl would too : the night sings true as far I see I see the stars do they see me Btw, I have lost any contempt I had for the second line. |
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