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Critical Analysis #2
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Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK

0 posted 2007-11-05 09:54 PM


This night sings truth
As far I see
I like the stars
And they seem to like me


[This message has been edited by Bill Shirnberg (11-06-2007 12:15 AM).]

© Copyright 2007 Bill Shirnberg - All Rights Reserved
Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
1 posted 2007-11-06 04:32 PM


Not too bad for a lightsome verse.

Here is a small adjustment to help it read better:

This night sings truth
As far as I may see,
I like the stars
And they seem to like me.


Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK
2 posted 2007-11-06 05:30 PM


You may be right but the second line is intentionally unclear and  ambivalent in its meaning,  that is able to go more than one direction. Sometimes I like to shoot for the maximum of minimum in my poems but maybe that does make the to unclear I guess its just my style but I like people to puzzle at them a bit.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
3 posted 2007-11-07 07:52 AM


"You may be right  “

Bill, there is no question that Essorant is right. In a poem as unambiguous as this one is, why would you want  to muddy it up with bad grammar ?

When someone tells you the stove is hot, say thank you. There is no need to smell burning flesh.


Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK
4 posted 2007-11-07 11:52 AM


If you think about it the line reads quit literal though describing the moment As far I see
as I'm seeing far don't mean to be defensive but its my favorite line I just like the way it sounds. I do need the input though its what its all about here thanks

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
5 posted 2007-11-07 12:15 PM


Bill, you are welcome.

Your poem was real good ; but more  like a quote . I have heard Carl Sagan say something like that.  

"The night sings the truth
As far as I cane see,
I like the stars
And they seem to like me."

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
6 posted 2007-11-07 03:50 PM


Not bad, Bill.

What kills it for me is the last line. Both the meter and the syllables make it choppy and ill-fitting with the other lines. I would suggest...


This night sings truth
As far I see
I like the stars
They seem to like me

or

This night sings truth
As far I see
I like the stars
And they like me

My personal preference would be to change it around....

This night sings truth
As far I see
I like the stars
Do they like me?


Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK
7 posted 2007-11-07 07:47 PM


you are right about the ending I'll think about that to me it is a little twinkle twinkle in sentiment but then everyone likes looking at the stars here a re rite

this night sings true
as far I see
I see the stars
do they see me

Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK
8 posted 2007-11-07 07:49 PM


forget that one to much seeing then again can yous see to much?
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
9 posted 2007-11-07 08:17 PM


Excellent, Bill! Seeing is much, much better than like.

We see a lot of things. The question is...do they see us back? They are beautiful and important to us? Are we to them...or are we insignificant?

That change adds a lot of meaning to your thoughts.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
10 posted 2007-11-08 08:48 AM


Bill, there has been a lot of vision for these 16 words and I think you almost have it with this last one:

this night sings true
as far I see
I see the stars
do they see me

But, if you changed it from a particular night to any night since the beginning of time until the end of time, I would like it better and I think Carl would too :

the night sings true
as far I see
I see the stars
do they see me

Btw, I have lost any contempt I had for the second line.


  

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