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Tom Fool
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Tom Fool |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Tom Fool Tom Fool, Tom Fool, Reminder that all gods are cruel. You mirror our disgusting state, Our death in life, our death as fate. I love you Tom, your broken shoes, Your brandy breath, disdain for rules. You’ve learned more from your prison stay Than those who, for convenience, pray. I love your street philosophy: “You got bucks, give some to me!” Isn’t that the primal trade, Our dignity for dollars made? You reek, Tom Fool, you’ve fouled your drawers, The stench is human, it is ours. And you’ve p****d yourself as old men do; It matters not a damn to you. Mutter, mutter, quote from John, The voices in our heads are one. You have no future and no past, A sentient human clot at last. And on that cheery note, Good Night.  Best, Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (09-18-2007 05:40 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jim Aitken - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well now--I am on a roll today--I like this one too!  This unabashed appraisal might seem harsh to some--but closer reading reveals the wisdom that as we judge one, we judge ourselves. I know you well enough to call you "friend" but not well enough to say if this is restrained--I could just be feeling it as restrained because I probably wouldn't have put it on a leash at all. Again, I have the meter problem, so I am just going to ask you to explain if you are using forms and metrics. (I really hope that's okay with everybody.  )So if you are, please clue me in, k? And just one teeeeeeeensy little thing. I love using dialogue in my own work, and this right here-- "I love your street philosophy: “You’ve money, give a bit to me!” I don't know if my idea of street philosophy would entail the use of a very proper contraction such as "you've". I think some improper use of the English language would have struck me as a bit more genuine--and I dunno, maybe something a long the lines of: "You got bucks--give some to me!" (or even just one buck.) And the use of the word "buck" would have opened the door for some interesting (and probably too colorful for this forum) assonance.  I asked about the metrics and form because my very annoying "ear" stumbled a bit on the opening lines--a neater fit would have given it a sing-song quality of mockery--like a schoolyard taunt, which might have worked better for me personally. But if you're working with metrics here you might have good reason for doing that as you did, so I dunno. But if it is a form, it would be "rare form" for any other poet but you. You managed a commentary on human condition that was not the least bit condescending or judgemental, even if it seems so at first glance. But I much enjoyed this'n, too! Damn it's good to have you back.  |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Serenity. This does have a form, and it fools around with metrics. It references old English ballads -- and Tom o'Bedlam to boot -- in which meter gets skewed over time by various additions and deletions. It's basically rough iambic tetrameter. The last strophe is a theft of the cadence in the Witch's chant in MacBeth. That's the sing-song part. If interested in a contemporary take on the ballad form, there is an Australian fellow -- name escapes me -- who writes ballads, and quite good ones, in the manner of Banjo Patterson. I've always thought the beauty of working with metrics is the opportunity to break the rules. Oh, and I made the excellent change you suggested! Best, Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: This is interesting for my reaction was precisely the opposite. I started with that thinking, judge not lest we be judged, and then saw it as nothing but judgement. "Oh, how quaint," said the old lady, "look at the man who can't take care of himself. Ah, how authentic he must be." Yeah, try it sometime. I enjoyed this tremendously. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
L3--Brad, that's where I got that. (omg, I'm speaking the lingo!  )Quick--detox! grin Thanks Jim, for the gentle education, too. (And don't think I'm not proud of me for testing the depth of the water before diving, either.)  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yeah, yours is a perfectly valid reading: quote: but if you turned the mirror on Tom would he say the same? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
There ya go--write the poem, and let's see. (I'm having too much fun for this to last...) Hmm...do you hear "Jaws" music?  (My apologies for the interruption, Jim.) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Maybe that's a good idea, but I don't know how to write like a 'sentient human clot'. I can already hear the jokes. I can hear them, them. Them! THEM! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
You really oughtta use that... |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
If Tom turned his mirror on us, he'd cackle, and cadge another couple bucks. Either that, or he could write his own damned poem. I forgot to add that the fellow from Australia posts his ballads in Open. Best, Jum |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Karen -- Also, yes, this is restrained. I couldn't get it in here with the dirty words. For the most part, I'm not very good at doing rants. Sarcasm, yeah, straight out anger, no. This poem is neither sarcastic nor angry, just a genial expression of disgust for humanity. I know there are forums for mature content, but I choose to post here and follow "most" of the rules. I'm really a nice guy for a currently stoned anarchist. Did the fellow who invented oxycodone get a Nobel Prize yet? It's my current "step down" drug. It makes Vicodin seem like baby aspirin. Yowzah. Jim |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Jim, it was provoking, and challenging to our views and attitudes toward others (no matter how desperate). But the end conclusion that humanity, is no better than its worst examples of desperation, I don't like. For me it's got plenty enough of truth in it. (I religiously believe in depravity, and know my own) But it's not the whole truth. Other than my philosophical / theological disagreement, it was a good poem. It reminds me of "God loves a Drunk", a song by Richard Thompson, with the same kind of mood and observations. Only his song is a little better than your poem. Hey, I'm a music man, what did you expect? (you might want to check out the lyrics to that song, it may give some more ideas in that same vein) Stephen. |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Very interesting poem, definately held my interest. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Jim, Quite a compelling read and quite deserving of a little bump upwards. I’ve enjoyed your poetry for the most part, while your critiques, unlike so many of the quasi-sort, are almost always directed toward the heart of a poem and address its problems directly. You know, even with all those meds they have you on, you’re quite the lucid writer. Wishing you all the best. Sid |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, I just read Sid’s post. I did not know you were taking a lot of drugs. That explains a lot to me and if I was over the top I want to apologize. I have been doing some apologizing today and none of them any more sincere . than this one. Of course I don’t know what you are being medicated for, but I hope you are better soon. Btw, I can here to read your poem and I liked it. The only thing, old men who foul their drawers rarely mug people, but what the hey its just a poem. Take care, |
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