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Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

0 posted 2007-09-11 05:54 PM

Can you edit something to death? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tinkered with this, each time I think I’ve improved it until I return later to it to find it’s getting worse not better.

Here’s a link to the last edit:
/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=96&topic=001402

And here’s the latest version, am I editing it to death?

Green voices, youthful in their haste
and flecked with an ounce of knowing
tied down the old man in his ways.
By rote they lashed his words with words
they flamed and stripped him of belief;
cursed eyes that couldn’t see their truth
and cut the tongue that wouldn’t write their taste.

They bound him; crowned him king of fools.
Built wooden crosses for his back;
spat doggerel kisses at his craft;
they branded him with lines rough hewn
then teased him with a spear of ink
that curled to verse upon his skin,
an old mans tattooed pride against their rules.

Rhyme turned lost reasons into curse,
strict forms filled gaps in his disgrace;
they proved his guilt beyond reprieve.
Their versions sanitizing his
missed visions into heresies
he never saw, yet nor did they
who smiled and hammered spikes into his verse.

Critics who build empires on dross
re-wrote his words in verses pure.
Wove rags of right from threads of silk;
dowsed lines of lead in mines of gold
while punctuating crowns with thorns
they staked their claim to higher ground
but failed to see the poet or his cross.

"There's a blaze of light in every word
it doesn't matter which you heard
the holy or the broken Hallelujah"
Leonard Cohen

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2007-09-12 09:34 AM

I'm still not qualified to address the meter--but it seems to me that this isn't so much editing as it is "tweaking"--and I'd hunch a guess that you are "tweaking" the meter?

Either version sounds good to my uneducated ear--and I still wanna write like this.

If it helps any, neither of them seem labored, and I know how hard it is to write this stuff, so just know you have my admiration on making it read easy.

Now I'll let the meter readers chop you to bits? *laughing*

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

2 posted 2007-09-12 01:24 PM

Karen,

It wasn’t the meter I was tweaking it was the syllable count, this started out life with eight syllables per line, then through numerous tweaks it morphed and the last line in each verse changed to ten. That seemed to work but in my previous edit I abandoned syllable count for content and flow, this latest edit repaired the syllable count to 8-10.

I suppose a metrical scansion could be applied, I haven’t done one myself but then again I wasn’t aiming for any particular stress pattern. Maybe it’s worth a try (I’ve tried everything else).

quote:
and I still wanna write like this.

And I still can’t understand why, your conversational tone is just as easy to read and a darn sight harder to write and you do it so well.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

3 posted 2007-09-12 01:46 PM

I think it is very good. Veyy good. Your poem is alwyas very manly and strong.

Grinch, One question for you.
At 50$-100$, shall I buy California wine or French wine? or else. (For my very old father who used to drink Brandy.)

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

4 posted 2007-09-12 04:44 PM

quote:
I think it is very good. Veyy good. Your poem is alwyas very manly and strong.

Which is odd given that I'm so petite and feminine.

I’d buy Guinness.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2007-09-12 08:37 PM

quote:
Can you edit something to death? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tinkered with this, each time I think I’ve improved it until I return later to it to find it’s getting worse not better.

Here’s a link to the last edit: /main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=96&topic=001402

And here’s the latest version, am I editing it to death?

This is a great addition/revision.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2007-09-12 10:19 PM

convention: the writer and the speaker are not the same

qualification: I have not spent a long time reading this poem

reaction:

"Christ, Dude! Get over yourself!"

insurance: I will apologise if I have offended anybody or anything.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

7 posted 2007-09-13 01:42 PM

Brad,

quote:
the writer and the speaker are not the same

They couldn’t be Brad, it had to be in the third person, the speaker had to be seen to be independent and objective otherwise the whine (sorry wine) question would become justified.

quote:
"Christ, Dude! Get over yourself!"

More like “Dude get over yourself, he’s Christ!”

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2007-09-13 02:54 PM

Get over Christ yourself, Dude!

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

9 posted 2007-09-16 06:27 AM

Hi -- Maybe I'm confused by the two above posts, but it this has something to do with Christ, it's pretty easy to miss. If it has something to do with martyrdom, OK, that comes closer.

The problem for me is not at all technical, it's just that the old poet and the kids are exactly the same, and neither they nor the "critics" have a clue.

Best, Jim

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

10 posted 2007-09-16 06:09 PM

I think I've backed myself into a corner here.

I now find it very difficult to feel any sympathy for the speaker. I don't think this is your fault, Grinch, I think it's mine.

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