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sunflowers in modena
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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sunflowers in modena |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
in the shimmering light of a september morning when the sky is so far away, a star bursts into flame as the melody of a lark drifts from where heaven begins. it weaves as a blue wind stills all other sounds with its glorious voice, the voice of a lily trembling in moonlight, the song of a rose at summer’s end and the hush of wild sunflowers touched by the pure light of god's hand. Addio Maestro [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-09-2007 11:23 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Not my type of poetry but it was ok, however I did wonder, Is there a reason it’s all lower case? I don’t mind, it’s just noticeable so I wondered if there was a reason. A star bursts into to flame I think this is a typo. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jennifer, You're one of the few people around here who use linebreaks to counterpoint sentences. For that alone, it was a pleasure to read. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Lower case is code for a work in progress. If it works out, then I punctuate/capitalize as best I can. No, not a typo, just one of the strange images that pops into my head. Thanks for reading and your comments. Thanks, Brad, hope to add to this one and polish it up. I think Pavarotti really made opera accessible to the ordinary person like myself by performing with Sting, U2, Bocelli, etc. The first opera I ever watched was Aida with Pavarotti. Not my favorite but since it was filmed at La Scala, gave me a glimpse of how spellbinding opera could be - even if you didn't understand all the words.  |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
A star bursts into to flame Oh now I get it. I'm so dim, the answer was there all the time and I put two and two together and only got two. Strange how poems become so much better when you engage your brain as well as your eyes. I'll try harder next time - honest |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
Well, its whelmed in cliche sentiment/words - shimmering light star bursts pure light god's hand Advertly poetic language throughout. Not much, as Pound states, in regard to modernism - to make it new. This relies on age-old concepts of a Victorian take on poetry, thus bores me. My advice, if nature is your theme, some Neruda, Frost. Maybe WCW's Red wheelbarrow to study. Also, why not tell me what you really want to say? For me, I take more pleasure from something that is honest (or appearance thereof) than any clever concoction. (Though I'm prone to the latter.) Hope this helps. Regards, sampo. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"A star bursts into to flame" Maybe Jenn is just practicing a bit of Greek alongside her English. The neuter form of the Greek article transliterated is to meaning "the". Since the Greek word for fire (pyr) is neuter, it is a logical choice to go along with a fire-word such as "flame" |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Ok you guys, stop picking on me. I can't believe I read that line a dozen times and never caught the typo. Blame it on Karen, it was her centered poem that screwed up my eyeballs. So there!  I’m sorry you were bored, sampo, so extra special thanks for taking time to read and comment. I don't mind that you didn't care for the poem, but I'm really upset about your remark saying something about it being a "concoction" and not "honest". What I wrote was exactly the way I “saw” the scene in my mind so I don’t think I could have been more “honest” than that. Anyway, for “nature themes” I prefer Bishop, Oliver and Hughes, but thanks for the recommendations. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I keep coming back – that’s a good sign. I was thinking about the ‘into to flame’, I actually liked it, so much so I set off on a quest to find an operatic song called To Flame that a tenor might sing just so you could keep it. I failed.  However what I did find was a translation of Nessun Dorma which turns out to be “No one shall sleep!” as that was his signature song would it be worthwhile trying to weave that in somewhere maybe as a penultimate line before the addio perhaps? If that’s useful take it as my way of apologising for picking on you. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Wow - you really went to all that trouble, Grinch? That’s really very kind. (Just so you know, “D’amour l’ardente flamme” could be sung falsetto by a tenor wearing very tight knickers.) My eyes, brain and computer were all on the fritz yesterday - “two and two” didn’t add up to anything. Better day today, at least the computer is working properly. Thanks for the brilliant suggestion on adding Nessun Dorma. All is forgiven. |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
Sorry for my abrupt crit. I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't honest. It was obviously written from within. My issue with this piece is that it reads archaic in terms of imagery and language. Some might argue a timeless factor, but I think to engage a modern readers interest you need to be experimenting with language and maybe, in regards to this poem, contrast nature to the metallic circuit- board of the city: A theme for todays culture. This poem seems way too traditional, is what I'm trying to say. A pre-ordained script for what poetry is supposed to be, instead of shoving the boundaries. Sorry for the extended downer crit. Regards, sampo |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
No problem, sampo. I know what you’re saying and it’s ok. What you’re not getting is that I knew exactly what I was doing. I chose to write the poem the way I saw it. (see link to pic below - it shows sort of what went through my mind when I saw Pavarotti’s sunflower covered casket) I wrote it the way I wanted it to be even though I knew it was a very emotional response that just wouldn’t fly with many/most who read in this forum. I don't mind a downer crit in the least, but the honesty thing really bothered me for some reason - maybe because I knew that by being honest (emotionally), I’d set myself up for eyerolls from those who don’t like personal or sentimental type poetry. But that’s ok, my little tribute is on the boards and that’s really all I wanted. http://img212.imageshack.us/img212/963/sunflowersnq6.jpg |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Perhaps you should integrate the above point into the poem. Not sure how to do it but it might be fun. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Sampo: RE" I think to engage a modern reader(')s interest you need to be experimenting with language" 1: In what way is this poem, or almost any poem not experimenting with language? It's a tribute to the passing of a great tenor, without mentioning his name, but perfectly clear. Pretty tricky stuff, that. 2. When someone as sophisticated as Jennifer "chooses" to use accessible imagery and adjectives, you have to figure something is going on there. 3. When you bring up Pound, whose "modern language" is now pushing the century mark, are you referring to his early work, which could actually be read, or the Cantos, which are only accessibly to those capable of, and interested in, solving the London Time Sunday crossword puzzle -- except for the Chinese bits, which are probably only acessible to Chinese crossword puzzle fans? Jennifer: I gotta admit the adjectives threw me too, but it is possible to appreciate what you're up to. Best, Jim |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
I love this poem. It's rather beautiful. I'm too much of an amateur to criticize, but I don't have any criticisms anyway. His death was so sad... I'm not even allowed to mention his name around my voice teacher (her husband warned me), because she loved him so much. |
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