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Critical Analysis #2
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Channel Swimmer
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Channel Swimmer |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
First rough draft - looking for first impressions, and where to start on making revisions. Thanks! I’ve combed the beach a lifetime it seems but never knew what I was seeking in the gray pearls of morning mist. A shipwreck survivor, I never questioned the comfort of sand beneath my feet or how the tide washed away history and the fear of drowning in your wake. Dawn this morning was my Easter sunrise, the golden ship that brought back the memory of how life was before the darkness came at noon. It was there on that beach the last time I saw you conquer the drag of the undertow, ride the crest of the crashing surf as effortlessly as a dolphin swims in a lagoon. Let this be the memory that lights the horizon and conquers the constantly questioning nights, one small candle against the darkness, my beacon of hope in a hopeless world. |
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| © Copyright 2007 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I liked the fourth strophe. I am uncomfortable with the direct address, this you who I know nothing about. Too much, too fast, perhaps. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, Brad, very helpful advice! Just drafting the first revision, only partly done as I’m on my way to work. Wondering if something like this works better for you? Gotta dash! flotsam from the wreck he combs the moonscape lava beach searching among grey matter for the history of primordial ooze “close your teeth just partway on the kelp, you’ll never feel the grit or break a tooth on sand ground down from stone and golden apples” he remembers mother saying as she laid him in the basket floating in the red sea dividing bone in from fleah in bloody riptides. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Ok, a little revision on the first revision. Does this help lessen the too much too soon, Brad? flotsam from the wreck he combs the moonscape lava beach searching among grey matter for the primordial pool “close your teeth just partway on the floating kelp, you’ll never feel the grit or break a tooth on sand ground down from stone and golden apples” mother’s final words before she laid him in the leaky dinghy, set adrift on ebbing surf that clefts flesh from bone in bloody riptides. Swaddled in a history of leper’s rags and bells, and jettisoned from a sinking ship of fools to save a single passenger, his course is set to shoot past Chiron’s cave straight on to Moloka’i. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yes, on a first reading, I do like that much better. I am interested in the character. I also liked the quotation marks(But you should already know that). |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
They seem like two completely different peices- I say keep them both as two poems, or possibly work them together into one longer piece. I like the first one... I agree with Brad on using "you," maybe you could just switch it to "him"? And drop the beacon of hope line at then end? Way too cliche. I do like the quoted part in the second peice... it is very descriptive and definitely makes me think of someone who knows how to go to great lengths to survive. Hope this helped. |
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