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Critical Analysis #2
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Josephine
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Josephine |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
Josephine I lie beneath you Josephine feeling you surround me Your sweet caress brings happiness so often you astound me Bathing me delightfully your lower limbs are spread Mossy grove where I repose and lay my weary head How quiet you are Sweet Josephine moulding into me as shades of green so seldom seen frame our destiny Murmuring Deliciously you wander through my dreams Memories of other days Starker wilder themes When mists in envy blocked you from my view as lightnings jagged fingers gave such power to you Rage you did In fury "Behold Me Here I Am Lay Your gifts before Me Your world is but a Sham" It was I in craven awe who dared to stare in wonder While you towered in massive power amid the roaring thunder Limbs so fine of such design plunging depths to plunder my rabid thoughts in monsoon wrought too easily were sundered Now I pause I hesitate Rare beauty is unfolding Rainbow hued this peaceful you forever my heart holding .. . Cant get this right Part of it works but can't get the feeling I want Josephine Falls is one of my favourite places It "lives" if you can understand that Winter it has a beautiful trickle perfect for showering under down one side Summer it rages uncontrolably Not having FUN with this one yet Peter .. . Live It |
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| © Copyright 2007 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
LOL, I thought you were writing about a lover at first. Then I got to "lightnings jagged fingers gave such power to you" and realized, 'this isn't about a person but it's still pretty seductive'. I'm not good at critiquing rhymed poetry. I know squat about it and a critique coming from me wouldn't mean much. I didn't like the line, "Behold, your world is but a sham" IMO it's just bad. The rest of it you used pretty good words but I feel like when you wrote that line, you were slacking. Don't be a slacker! |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Whoa. SURPRISE!! It isn't sexual. Haha, very nice. Last stanza needs to be re-written for sure. Other than that I liked it very much so, excellent twist. Never saw it coming. A bonafide rarity. Valedictions, -Paul |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
OK Thanks Just completely droppping out that section where 'she speaks' works better At this stage I think I need the last stanza still there Simply to help show the reverence places like that deserve having FUN now Peter Live It |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
Josephine I lie beneath you Josephine feeling you surround me Your sweet caress brings happiness so often you astound me Bathing me delightfully your lower limbs are spread Mossy grove where I repose and lay my weary head How quiet you are Sweet Josephine moulding into me as shades of green so seldom seen frame our destiny Murmuring Deliciously you wander through my dreams Memories of other days Starker wilder themes When mists in envy blocked you from my view as lightnings jagged fingers gave such power to you It was I in craven awe who dared to stare in wonder While you towered in massive power amid the roaring thunder Limbs so fine of such design plunging depths to plunder my rabid thoughts in monsoon wrought too easily were sundered Now I pause I hesitate Rare beauty is unfolding Rainbow hued this peaceful you forever my heart holding .. . |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This fails because it's over burdened with abstract language. Create concrete images, avoid over modification of nouns and verbs and you'll write much better. Best. M |
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