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Critical Analysis #2
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Afternoon of Self-Reflection at the Supermarket
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Afternoon of Self-Reflection at the Supermarket |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
“That’s not our cart!” she said as I placed onions and garlic down beside strange looking food. “Oh.” was all I could manage through the sunrise fog of prescription pain killers. So we continued shopping for her mother with her broken limbs and rug-burned cheeks. Souvenirs from a tumble down the basement stairs. Very careful not to repeat my mistake I tenderly placed canned tomatoes and wine next to bags of penne. And gladly I’ll pay $22.99 for a vase of brightly dyed daisies but, of course, forget a card. Stepping into the elevator (surreal enough in a grocery store), a woman walks in with a whole cart of tulips and sunflowers, looks down, And says, “I grabbed the wrong cart.” And as she goes to retrieve her cart full of precious ice-cream and stouffers microwave dinners I realize: I’m not the only one with a problem. |
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| © Copyright 2007 guyoverthere - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You had my attention all the way to the end, which I found a little disappointing. I do very much like your writing, you have an easy and natural style I envy very much. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
How could I have made the ending better? I've never really been that happy with it either. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Off the top of my head, I'm not sure. Sorry. Sometimes when I'm stuck for a closing line or idea, I'll grab an anthology and sort of skim last lines, not to copy, but just for inspiration. Never fails, something clicks, but totally different from what I've been reading. I forgot to mention, watch out for using "and" too often. I see two ands and a so at the beginning of lines. Don't think you need them at all. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Jennifer, Thanks for noting the 'and' s. I do use them too often. It's an old habit that I'm trying to break. It just feels like it provides a nice transition. That's the problem I guess, it 'feels' like it provides a nice transition when it probably doesn't. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
And before anyone else says it, I think my title sucks. After reading it a bit more, I don't think it has much to do with the rest of the poem. |
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Not a poet and I noet New Member
since 2007-08-14
Posts 1 |
I actually liked the ending. I thought it was quite apropos. The visual that I had while reading your poem had me thinking. "This is strange" Then to have the last line confirm my assessment was quite surprising. It was like the punchline from a good joke. You don't see it coming. Then it's just bam. |
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