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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
That long cold breath of skeletons hung eagerly across the bay Oozing silent tendrils this world of hungry grey enveloping insatiable it blinds the buoy light curdles sound and all around movement hesitates in flight Sensuously sinister wraithlike shapes appear to rearrange as nothing strange Just misty envoys of our fear .. . Live It |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I think the last line could be changed to "envoys of fear" instead of "envoys of our fear." But otherwise... Flawless. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thank you for not making the rhyme the thrust of the piece. Well done there. I do have to say PUNCTUATION! But other than that nice work. I would like to see a little more reason rather that association of words. Dane |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
Christian Forgive me for not understanding this bit "I would like to see a little more reason rather that association of words" Any guidance etc gratefully accepted peter . |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
This is the crux of your poem - This world of hungry grey blinds the buoy light, curdles sound and all around movement hesitates in flight; to rearrange as nothing strange, just misty envoys of fear. Excellent description and sonics there. It is good work all round, in regards to imagery and sound, but it feels slightly overdone, eg - That long cold breath of skeletons hung eagerly across the bay Oozing silent tendrils I like the opening line for the sonics, but seems over-modified. My interpretation is that you mean fog? But why skeletons? Eagerly seems an odd word choice. I'd say lazily would be a more apt choice. L3 doesn't add much, except perhaps to expand upon your skeleton image, but again I'm missing the relevance. Sensuously sinister wraithlike shapes appear This section reads like repetition of description, and is therefore, superfluous, imo. Hope this helps. Regards, sampo. |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
Hi Sampo Skeletons was simply part of trying to 'reach' the fear factor of fog I intitially tried Lazily but went back to Eagerly to give the impression of fog as a living entity, thus "oozing silent tendrils' as well 'sensuously sinister' just slipped in there and felt right at the time Fog seemed to simple a name for the poem so I just dropped "away" in there as an aside One day I think of the correct name for it Thanks for your help Peter |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This may have already been discussed, but what I was asking for was more of a point to the piece. All I saw was groupings of words that sound good together. I don't see the fog. However, they are good groupings. Not trying to write off the whole lot, but just want to see more of a direction in story or thought. Dane |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
Thanks for clarifying. It's an interesting approach. Personifying the fog in that way. To really extend the metaphor, you may have to go all the way with it, eg - (forgive my messing about here) That long cold breath of skeletons hung eagerly across the bay how about - The long cold fingers of skeletons grasped eagerly across the bay Something like this may provide a better context for using the skeleton as fog image. Though this example conveys the fog as something tangible and may not be at all what you were going for. Just my extra two cents. regards, sampo. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Pretty much all images and very little substance. I love the fog, don't find it the least bit scary. |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
Hi Jennifer Thats the beauty of a good fog I love taking people shark fishing in the pea-soupers here in my 20ft boat 20 miles from land absolute silence Then SMASH against the transom as a big one shows he is there Whilst I love it, most other people only come out once There is something enlivening about the closeness of fog But not keen on smog though Have FUN Peter Live It |
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