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Critical Analysis #2
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The Convict
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Convict |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
I curse the hand upon the wall that holds me in it's grip and savages my beating heart each lonely cup I sip for each and every day I spend behind these wretched bars remind me of the price I paid a price too high and hard society's a gentle soul an ass to feast upon a palm to grease with smiling lips until the gold is gone and Alice lifts her forlorn face from sucking back the gruel remarking on a sorry state those thugs can be so cruel a freaking cop a jaded judge all fodder in my eyes that see the sucker waiting for a litany of lies so listen now and listen well I won't be here for long and when I get my hands on you you'll think that right was wrong [This message has been edited by Roysie (08-14-2007 10:31 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Roysie - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Language, spelling and punctuation. "savages my beating heart" "lonely cup" (spelling/typo corrected) "palm to grease" "sorry state" and so on and so on. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Language? English but don't forget who's speaking. Spelling? What did I miss? Punctuation? That's for me to decide. Ah that's not spelling that's typing but thanks. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Yes yes great lines...your point being...? The thing I don't like is the meter.................wait for it...................it's too strong Ah there you go. BUT the problem most aspiring poets have is that they wouldn't recognize a meter unless it was a parking meter. If they had bothered to read Jack and Jill when they were younger they would not post such atrocious stumbling awkward mouthfuls of senseless verbage...or at least their senseless verbage would....FLOW. Of course I'm not directing this at you Jenn I'm just saying it is the biggest flaw I see every day. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Final point. You may think it strange that I criticize my own poem. One of the great things about writing, in my humble opinion, is the ability to become anyone or anything. What comes out comes out be it a lover a rapist a priest a cop or a lamp post. Many have no idea what I'm talking about hence they churn away from one view point and limit themselves terribly. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: Try L2. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
That's a tad picky don't you think? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
No. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Morning Rosie, I think we're supposed to be picky. And I know you want us to be. Why shouldn't a poem be perfect right? This: "an ass to feast upon" That's a very odd thing to read. What exactly do you mean by that? "a palm to grease with smiling lips until the gold is gone" Strangely enough, I really liked these two lines. In fact, of all of your work, this is possibly your best. That's a compliment, Rosie.  Oh and maybe you should check the guidelines again, because: "a mayonaise cop a jaded judge" Ain't going to fly. If Ron sees that, you will be the very word you used here, only with an "-ed" at the end, hahaha. They don't like sour words around here, trust me, I know. So I unfortunately have to suppress my Irish vocabulary, so this is the polite me.  "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." [This message has been edited by Edward Grim (08-14-2007 11:39 AM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Ah c'mon Ed, it's good for you. But yeah, please change that line. If not, I'm going to have to. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
(Ed, you ought avoid quoting it so the moderator doesn't need to edit your post too) |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
I know, I've never liked things that are good for me. Damn broccoli... hahaha |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
Oky doky Ess. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Ok no problem. In all the poems I've written that's the only time I ever used that word and I think most would agree it's appropriate here. An ass to feast upon, an ass an idiot a stooge. This is how he sees society. But what did you think of the hard scrabble verse boys and girls? |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
No, not great. My point was - boring and trite. You really need to come up with a few fresh images to perk up this one. The lack of punctuation makes it more annoying than clever. If you're not sure of how to punctuate your poem, I'm sure someone in this forum would be happy to help you out. I'd be glad to , but it's not my strong suit as you can see. Maybe you should consider signing up for the mentor program. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Jennifer I'm sorry if I reformatted/improved your poem. It's just that it was so stilted and everyone was trying to be so nice I just thought I'd show you how it could be. Playing tit for tat is really just sad and I'm not playing. Now the mentoring program really sounds good! Someone say between the ages of 25 and 35 blond blue eyes under 125 pounds female and available when my wife's not home would be perfect PLUS no literary skills would be required! |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You may be shallow enough to play tit for tat, but I was giving you honest feedback on your poem. This is a critique forum and I'm trying to catch up a bit. Good luck on finding that mentor. Just a hint, don't think Bronzeage meets your criteria. Could be wrong, you never really know on the net, do you? |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
As an honest open charming handsome intelligent talented etc. etc. person sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake. Did I say something inappropriate to Bronzeage? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Oh come on Roysie I don't mean to be rude at all, but you don't seriously think that lines like: "savages my beating heart" "lonely cup" "palm to grease" "sorry state" are "great lines"? While I agree that overusage/cliche isn't a failsafe way of judging whether a line is rubbish or not, it's sure as hell a good pointer. I just googled sorry state and got 862000 hits, palm to grease gets 358, but grease his palm 1390, and other variations on greasy palms would no doubt return many more. Lonely cup 665, and I won't even start on anything with beating hearts in it as google will explode. Is this interesting? M |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
quote: Rosie, I'm sending you my chiropractor's bill, because I nearly broke my back from falling off the chair when I read that. You don't play tit for tat?! Come on man, at least be honest. I tried to find your poem where I gave you a "not positive review," the same poem Gloom gave you a "not so positive" review, but the poem was deleted (I wonder why). Not only did you continue to leave scathing replies on Gloom's work because of what he said (all of your comments were deleted) but then you moved to one of mine; which is the only vengeful reply they didn't delete (Can't understand why, I thought the mods love me). Do you recall your reply: quote: And what did I originally say to you? Something about just not liking the poem you wrote? And you said something like: "Careful Eddie or I'll have to review some of your work." Yeah. So if you don't play tit for tat then my name is J. Edgar Hoover! "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I think Jennifer was referring to the fact that she doubts if Bronzeage will meet your demanding criteria for some kind of blue eyed nymphette to frolic with while your wife is away. I believe she is inferring from the name that the said Bronzeage, also I believe known as Roger, is likely to be male, and accordingly your amorous advances are likely to be met with a swift Stone Age club to the head. M |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Moonbeam now that's legitimate criticism. This piece is the spoken words of a thug, a brute. How the "hell" do you think they talk like Shakespeare? Of course it's filled with cliches. I am a conservative...ha ha ha...some might use a stronger turn but definitely left of Hitler. This poem is not really about new and dramatic phrasing. It's a brutal threatening tirade spoken by an uneducated piece of garbage and it's written to point that up. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Maybe you "know as Roger" her but I most certainly do not. |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
quote: I hate it when people hide behind reasons like that. "Well I wish that you would cheat with someone, 'cause you're like diggin' holes in water and we know that can't be done." |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Um, what's going on here? |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Oh and by the way Moonbeam got 906,000. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
I don't think they like my poem Brad. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, that's okay. Believe me, you don't want everyone to love everything you write. That just means they want something else. Is that it? |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Alls well that ends well. Another great line by....me. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Roysie You are not writing a play, you are writing a poem. You don't have the space to use, or the luxury of using, cliche and cardboard cut-out characterization if you want to interest me as a reader. Why on earth would I be interested in reading a string of lines that I can read or hear in any cheap paperback or in any banal gangster movie? Poetry is about making a difference in your reader's thought: grabbing it, shaking it not waving a limp lettuce leaf in front of it. As I said before, overused phrases and cliched phrases are not an infallible indication of a bad poem. Sure, you can use phrases such as "sorry state", "forlorn face", "beating heart" (maybe), and still write a good poem, but god knows, you have to be very very good to do so effectively. For an example of how it CAN be done read Simon Armitage's poems in "Zoom". M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Oh, hi Brad. I am trying to play nice, honest It's getting lively again nest pas? M |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
quote: You mean another great line by Shakespeare? lol |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: This is English? Sorry, lost you now totally. Ease up on the whisky and the illicit blue eyed blondes is my advice . |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Try reading the query my dear. (since edited lol) PS Now that you mention it its got to be four o'clock somewhere n'est pas? Or nest pas if you prefer lol. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
And it's "All's well," rather than "alls well," - Is it not? |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Touche Nan touche. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Maybe Rosyie was just trying to improvise and revive the adverb-form of the word "all" that is found both in Old English and Middle English meaning "entirely, wholly" with the genitive s exactly as it is used in a word such as always, towards, besides etc. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Yeah..yeah that's the ticket it was...old English. LOL Thanks Essorant. I wonder did Shakespeare use the apostophe? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Despite the hilarity and the fact that of course Roysie you NEVER EVER indulge in tit for tat, there is a serious point here, which is that if you post a poem for critical review you should make darned sure to the best of your ability that it's error free. Everyone makes typos and grammatical errors, but when someone takes the trouble to point these out to you, to help make the poem better, you should thank them, no? You posted a poem. You asked for comment. Jenn gave you her opinion. You asked what you'd missed. I told you. Instead of responding with a "thanks for the catch" you made some banal comment about being picky. If you want people to comment on your writing you need to adjust your attitude imo. M |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
"Try L2" Thank you so much for your kind and insightful answer to my question. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Roysie You don't give up trying to be rude do you. "Try L2" was perfectly sufficient was it not for you to pick up the small error in punctuation? I was assuming from your previous posts that you had enough intelligence and grammatical ability to see the problem instantly. I still have no reason to doubt the latter quality, however I'm beginning to think that I was seriously wrong about the former. M |
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