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Critical Analysis #2

One In The Sun

Neo
Junior Member

since 2007-08-08

Posts 13

0 posted 2007-08-08 06:00 PM

They know not solitude,
and in the sun of dreams,
the rays of fortitude
shine when darkness impedes
from white clouds of sinews
being of the only
one to know the lonely.

[This message has been edited by Neo (08-08-2007 07:06 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-08-11 08:04 PM

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here. I don't know, be a little more careful with prepositions?

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

2 posted 2007-08-12 04:13 AM

They know not solitude,
and in the sun of dreams,
the rays of fortitude
shine when darkness impedes
from white clouds of sinews
being of the only
one to know the lonely.

Hmm... not sure this succeeds as a minimal.
For me, there are too many abstractions
and without anything to ground them, it
comes off as vagueness.
Abstractions -
sun of dreams,
rays of fortitude,
darkness,
white cloud of sinews. (though I like
this one, but have no idea of its meaning.)

'They' is also a mystery.
Mankind in general?
Do you mean 'being' as a noun?
First and last lines seems almost contradictory.
Unknowing solitude, then referring to the lonely?

You may have to clarify a few things
in order for me to critique this. Sorry.

Regards,

sampo.

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