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Critical Analysis #2
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(Formerly) A Hip-Hop Piece (Now a poem)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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(Formerly) A Hip-Hop Piece (Now a poem) |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I came to my senses, and realized that the previous piece would most likely not be critiqueable here, so I post this in its stead. I recall the first wave crashing against the shield I built, The second wave broke through and filled my mind with guilt, And the third wave detonated a nuclear device in my perceptions, Sending me on a crash course to oblivion (the white room of corrections), Deceptions and regret at the foolish pride I carried, Fencing with the phantom mood of sullen delirium, Can you hear me? I can hear you, but the words don’t come out right, Suggestive echo’s in the halls reverberate out into the night, Fear doesn’t begin to describe the dread which invades the self, When your world comes crashing down on you without a rhyme or reason, The truth eludes and you make excuses, build a new paradigm, When all the time you spent on that wasn’t worth a dime. We are all on a journey to define ourselves, before our world defines us, Some lag behind, some scream, some cry, self-actualization’s a must, Some wish to have a cross to bear, and baby, I found the epitome, When your mind turns inside out on you, your misery can sing symphonies. [This message has been edited by UseTheIllusion (07-10-2007 01:05 AM).] |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi, Illusion! Glad you changed your mind and then posted this piece. The other one, was, umm, well, the other one. I've read this poem about ten times now, which is my way of testifying to it's power and appeal as a poem. One of the nicer things, I think, about this CA forum is that one can put things up and not feel a need to defend or explain them. This seems a relatively serious forum, within the context of PIP, where some member's give it their best shots. This poem is a good shot. The thought is coherent, the imagery grand, some lines really resonate with me and some are clunkers. So, I'll tell you what I feel, and this is just me. "I recall the first wave crashing against the shield I built, The second wave broke through and filled my mind with guilt, And the third wave detonated a nuclear device in my perceptions, Sending me on a crash course to oblivion (the white room of corrections)," On "I recall," -- Of course you do. That's why you are writing the poem. How about putting it all together? Maybe :The first wave crashed ... The second wave broke... The third wave detonated... THEN use the "And," as in "and sent me on a crash course...? "Deceptions and regret at the foolish pride I carried," Is there a better way you can express "foolish pride?" Not to carp, but this is straight out of Aaron Neville's "Tell it like it is..." And about a million other people... "Fencing with the phantom mood of sullen delirium," Great line. "Can you hear me?" A fundamental and poweful poetic question! Unfortunately followed by: "I can hear you, but the words don’t come out right," There's a bit of referential confusion in the first phrase, but, more importantly, this is a direct reference to Jim Croce's hit tune, which includes the line "but the word's just come out wrong..." I can't get past that, unless you are making a conscious allusion. Suggestive echo’s in the halls reverberate out into the night, Fear doesn’t begin to describe the dread which invades the self, When your world comes crashing down on you without a rhyme or reason, The truth eludes and you make excuses, build a new paradigm, When all the time you spent on that wasn’t worth a dime." First, bring it back to you personally, where you start the poem. You can use the generic "you" to include yourself, but it doesn't work. "We are all on a journey to define ourselves, before our world defines us, Some lag behind, some scream, some cry," I agree completely, and the third line above is a boomer! The first two line are prose. "self-actualization’s a must," Complete agreement. How can you say it poetically? "Some wish to have a cross to bear, and baby, I found the epitome, When your mind turns inside out on you, your misery can sing symphonies." Great, great, lines! Change one word, the "I" to "you," and you have a comlplete and powerful poem in those four lines. (I wouldn't even mention the allusion to Jim Croce's "Lover's Cross," except it came up before. Been listening to him lately? If not, give him a shot!) Also, "echo's" is "echos." Best, Jim  |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I am glad you think somewhat well of this piece, and that it elicited such an in depth response from a poet of your talent. I will address your points one by one... The changes you suggested first would certainly not alter the meaning of the piece. Done and done. "Foolish pride..." I am glad you caught that one...the perfect word to replace foolish pride would be "hubris". I wasn't aware I was plagerizing a song. Synchronicity I suppose. I should change "but the words..." to "but your words". Contentment is a must...? Would that work? Not sure. Jim Croce? I'll remember that name. Hopefully the "always" reliable I-Tunes has some samples. Thanks again for your praise and criticisms Jim. It is truely appreciated. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Illusion: To clarify, I liked this piece very much, not just somewhat much! I can't always relate to your poetry, but hey, I'm old. And I'm just somebody saying stuff and struggling like everyone else. Best, Jim |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I am glad you feel that way . |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think you can tell this was originally a spoken/rap piece, and I think it would probably flow better that way. I do think the lines are a bit long and (with some of the revisions suggested above) you could tighten it up... and I don't know if you perform the stuff you write, but like I said I think this would sound better than it reads (but maybe that's just me). Hope this helped. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I agree with Hush about the lines. Without a maintained poetic meter and beat, such longlineness reads awkward and prosey. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I have yet to flex my on-stage muscles, but I am working on that. My pieces are meant to flow in such a way as to be equally rhythmic either read outloud or in-head. Perhaps I do not succeed to well at that, Hush. Thanks for the read and insight. I think we have been through this before Essorant  ...I am unable to comprehend meter, but I won't let that stop me in the future. I am well aware that right now most of my work is like shooting in the dark, but I kind of like it that way...I never know what I will produce next. Call it a blissful ignorance. |
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e-ReK Junior Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 15 |
the first few lines describing the waves were great. i dont know if it's just me, but some of the lines seemed forced to fit the vocab. also, like hush i felt some of the lines were a bit long; try shortening the syllables. overall this was very good though (im also into rap/spoken). |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
"some of the lines seemed forced to fit the vocab." My instincts tell me to completely agree with this statement, but my head has some trouble understanding it. What do you mean exactly? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
UseTheillusion You should come into Jennifer's thread and help us further our questions and discussion about meter. You will never learn if you always run away from it. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
No offense meant Essorant, but your explainations are very verbose and convoluted imho. The only way I could learn meter is hands on and in the real world. Learning disabilities, you see... |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Essorant posted a link in my Quiet that goes to pages about meter that are really helpful and pretty simple to understand. I’ve even printed out parts of both and use them as sort of cheat sheets and memory refreshers. Maybe something like that would be helpful to you, Illusion. Since your writing is way superior to mine, not much I can offer you in the way of critique. Just want to say in my opinion your poem is both powerful, moving and very well written. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Also, if something I (or others) try to explain is not understandable there is nothing wrong with asking for a better explanation and asking questions to help an explanation go in a manner and direction that is more helpful. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
uh, maybe some enjambment would help. |
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