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Carmel
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Carmel |
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MarkG Junior Member
since 2007-06-21
Posts 48California USA |
Carmel dinner for two beneath the stars sipping house chablis how beautiful you are sincere smiles candles fading low in the wind always like this always love always friends our deepest desires games we played to the end games of chance and love we both knew we’d never win ocean waves filling open shallow graves the smell of her undernourished skin the rolling tides the endless nights places we should have never been watching the sun rise her young body lies sleeping from too much wine and gin cool morning breeze she was soon to leave I’d never see her again |
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| © Copyright 2007 Mark Gammill - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The dinner scene has been played over and over again (I've done it myself -- several times, in fact). That, in itself, is not a bad thing, nor necessarily the beach scene, but you don't really give us anything unique here. And right when things get interesting, the morning scene, the awkward moment perhaps, the silence that speaks volumes, you skimp over. Maybe start with the last stanza and see what happens. |
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MarkG Junior Member
since 2007-06-21
Posts 48California USA |
thx for taking the time Brad Mark |
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