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Critical Analysis #2
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xopoetxo
Junior Member
since 2007-06-15
Posts 14


0 posted 2007-06-15 04:06 PM



A young boy, just out of high school,
went to a man in an army suit.
Phonecalls sound iminant, and oh so far apart,
sending love from the Middle East,
using tears and heart.
Then there was this one,
just 2 short minutes long,
the end of a soldier singing its song.
A very loved Daddy,
and a man newly wed,
was in a roadside bomb,
and pronounced to be dead.
His little boy will never know why his daddy is gone and the world is so cold,
leaving his boy just 6 months old.
Leaving a wife broken and a mother torn to bits,
all he was full of was life, love and wits.
He thinks up in heaven how he couldn't say goodbye, he wished he could call,
his wife knew him well, his son not at all.
The church gives support,
the town gives them heart,
but none can replace his life of love and art.
Why he was chosen, the world will never know....
He is missed much and loved so,
but from our hearts he will not go.

© Copyright 2007 xopoetxo - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
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1 posted 2007-06-15 06:37 PM


I’ve been trying to learn a little about meter, poetic forms and poetic devices. I see you’ve used rhyme in places but need help in identifying the form. I can recognize some rhymed couplets in your poem but am wondering if rhymed couplets require the poet to use a consistent meter, or syllable count?


xopoetxo
Junior Member
since 2007-06-15
Posts 14

2 posted 2007-06-15 11:23 PM


no, actually, im just free verse, i never use anything to figure it out, never count syllables or anything, i just kinda go with the flow and whatever comes out.
JenniferMaxwell
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3 posted 2007-06-16 01:07 AM


Don’t mean to sound  rude but why post your poem in a forum for critique (not just comments) if you’re satisfied with writing whatever comes out? I mean, if you’re happy with what you’ve written what is it you’d like from us?


rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
4 posted 2007-06-16 06:29 AM


Maybe they want crittique on the way of getting the idea out. I liked the title and it fit with the poem, it drew me in very well. It was a bit confusing , you need to clarify who your talking about the little boy or soldier in some cases , but other than that this was very good.
JenniferMaxwell
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5 posted 2007-06-16 07:21 AM


Hi, Rhia. Since this is a critique forum, could you be a little more specific on why you think the poem was very good? What exactly did you like about it? What in your view made the work poetry instead of prose?


xopoetxo
Junior Member
since 2007-06-15
Posts 14

6 posted 2007-06-16 08:21 AM


i just try to know if what i write is good enough.... sorry if i like offended anyone or anything
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
7 posted 2007-06-16 04:58 PM


Hi X0 --  I don't think you need to worry about offending anyone unless you use the crudest of language (and the are other more adult forums for that) or or you go on a poetic rant that's more insult than insight.  And there is nothing inappropriate in your content or words here.

You, as the author, are the ultimate arbiter of what is "good enough," and your standards may change with time.  I think every poet who posts in this forum would like to get "better" in his or her own way,
and seeking a "critique" in this particular forum may lead to useful suggestions.

There are technical problems with your poem, not with your thought or intent.

The form you are using is not "free verse" as you suggest.  Rather, it is ragged rhyme.  Rhyme, internal and external, shows up in free verse as a calculated effect, but not often as a formal scheme.  For an example, however, of how this can be done magnificently, you might look at Amy Lowell's "Patterns."  If this works for you, try to get a feel for what is happening structurally in Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock."  Don't try to kill yourself with analysis just try to get the drift.

"Rhythm" in free verse can be instinctual: the poet hears, and hopes the readers hears, the music in the lines.  For an example, perhaps "the example" of rythmic, rhymless free verse, look to Walt Whitman.  "Leaves of Grass," is the first and perhaps still the greatest example of "free verse."

Some reading may help you see why these words from you poem:

"he wished he could call,
his wife knew him well, his son not at all.

are beautiful, and work very well,while these lines really aren't and don't:

"A very loved Daddy,
and a man newly wed,
was in a roadside bomb,
and pronounced to be dead."

Again, not attacking the thought or emotional content.  The "good" lines suggest you have indeed the potential to be "good enough!"

Best, Jim



epoet
Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa
8 posted 2007-06-17 09:18 PM


XO, I like the concept but agree that you need to clarify in spots about whether you are talking about the boy or the soldier.  I, as a vet, appreciate the tribute to those of us who are willing to give are lives everyday for this country.  Keep on writing.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love



rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
9 posted 2007-06-19 07:47 AM


Hi, Rhia. Since this is a critique forum, could you be a little more specific on why you think the poem was very good? What exactly did you like about it? What in your view made the work poetry instead of prose?

I liked the idea and that this writer wrote a poem about losing someone in free verse where as alot of poems written about losing someone are in rhyme and can be forced or sing song and lose the emotion. I liked the emotion in the poem it seemed to fit the subject.

A young boy, just out of high school,
went to a man in an army suit.
Phonecalls sound iminant, and oh so far apart,
*what do you mean by imant?

sending love from the Middle East,
using tears and heart.
*I liked this line and I thought it was a new way of putting something everyone says. It was good but  a bit forced in this particular bit but because its free verse its is fine.

Then there was this one,
just 2 short minutes long,
the end of a soldier singing its song.
*I like the idea the phone call is symbolized by the soldier singing its song, and the different ways that line can be interepeted

A very loved Daddy,
and a man newly wed,
was in a roadside bomb,
and pronounced to be dead.
*This took the emotion out of it the way it was formatted
Something like
once a loved newly wed
and a beloved daddy
Once he went to war
and now hes dead.

*I MEAN  I defeintly can't rephrase your poem for you but something a bit more free flowing.

His little boy will never know why his daddy is gone and the world is so cold,
leaving his boy just 6 months old.

Leaving a wife broken and a mother torn to bits,
all he was full of was life, love and wits.
*I like how it told the affect of his wife and the boys father and how he once was when she knew him

He thinks up in heaven how he couldn't say goodbye, he wished he could call,
his wife knew him well, his son not at all.
*This is also a brilliant set, its cute, and sad because his son never knew him

The church gives support,
the town gives them heart,
but none can replace his life of love and art.

Why he was chosen, the world will never know....
He is missed much and loved so,
*I just like these two lines because it  adds to the mood of the poem which is a tribute to a soldier
but from our hearts he will not go.


JenniferMaxwell
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10 posted 2007-06-19 11:44 AM


Rhia, have you read Wilfred Owen’s “Anthem for Doomed Youth”?  Might change your mind about rhymed verse sounding forced, sing song or lacking emotion.


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