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I destroy my home
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I destroy my home |
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Jonathon New Member
since 2007-04-14
Posts 2 |
the earth crumbled at my stroke aphotic valleys spread my impact i destroy my home my lakes drain, drown me. my destruction is exact the earth crumbled at my stroke my mountains plummet, crush me. this place will not be left intact i destroy my home my valleys fold inward, trap me this planet will be racked the earth crumbled at my stroke my sky smokes, throttles me. my rage is this attack i destroy my home we have done it our abolition has not lacked the earth crumbled at my stroke i destroy my home O.K. so I'm new to liking poetry, I watched SlamNation and now I like it. This is my first Villanelle and I really need critique 'cause this is for my English class. I purposefully left out all the punctuation because I have no idea the proper way to do it and I would have butchered it. I figured it would be easier to get help from some good people. So critique away. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jonathon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jonathon. my hat's off  to you for attempting one of these things. You do have the basic line structure and repetition right. Whith that said though, there are two important errors. The villanelle is a very strick form requiring not only the line count, structure and repetition that you have. It also requires exactly two rhymes. The first and third lines of all stanzas and the final line must all match the first rhyme. The second lines of all stanzas must match the second.You were doomed from the start here when the first and third lines of your first stanza, the lines that must repeat throughout, do not rhyme. No, stroke and home do not rhyme. Then in the remaining stanzas you don't even come close. Another important goal in writing a villanelle is to develop a theme, simply hinted at the beginning then use each stanza to reinforce that theme and bring it to a final summary in the closing quatrain. You have done that most difficult part pretty well. Finally, although it seems nearly impossible, the repetition should be as subtle as possible. I would have to say you have accomplished that quite well since I actually had to read it again and then check the lines to be sure you had followed the pattern. This is a nice start and I again commend you for the effort. Now if you can just do some rewording to get the rhyme right, you will have a winner. Oh, and welcome to CA. I hope you enjoy it here. Pete |
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Jonathon New Member
since 2007-04-14
Posts 2 |
I thought I was forgetting something, I was just writing it from memory. Thanks for the crit, I'll try to re-work it so it rhymes.  |
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