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Critical Analysis #2

Pay No Mind

paperthin
New Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 6

0 posted 2007-04-10 10:25 PM

While looking to the rising sun
See clearly the haze of darkness,
But pay no mind.
The shallow pockets of your mind
Always stretch and become deeper.

Feel the winds - harsh though smooth
And know they carry sorrows,
But fear not.
The eye of the storm is forthcoming
To calm and extinguish them.

But when those rays or gust filter through
They'll not show tolerance for tears
So withstand it.
Theres always the light in tunnels
And the ever-happy afters.

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

1 posted 2007-04-11 05:51 PM

While looking to the rising sun
See clearly the haze of darkness,
But pay no mind. (mind was used twice in two consecutive lines, making it sound repetitive. Try thinking of a different word for mind in the 4th line)
The shallow pockets of your mind
Always stretch and become deeper.

Feel the winds - harsh though smooth
And know they carry sorrows,
But fear not.
The eye of the storm is forthcoming
To calm and extinguish them. (Perhaps elaborate once again on them? Had to read back again to see what "them" could be referring to)

But when those rays or gust(s) filter through
They'll not show tolerance for tears
So withstand it. (I would change the So to But, just to keep with the pattern, which I particularly liked)
Theres always the light in tunnels (I would rearrange this line. It seems to.. simple to fit in with the rest of this poem. "Light always shines through in tunnels" or something of the like)
And the ever-happy afters.

But I did really really enjoyed this piece. You are a good writer. I think this is one of my favorites from the site.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2007-04-14 08:49 PM

The shallow pockets of my mind tend to constrict and become calloused. It's pretty hard to make a general statement about the "you" out there. Can be done, this doesn't do it.

You're on the right track, though. Keep plugging.

Jim

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