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Critical Analysis #2
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The Door of Death (Renamed)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Door of Death (Renamed) |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA 
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To see that daystar sinking down Through all the ageworn hills The bitter heart a dim fate grieves Yet though we say in shadowlands “The Sun has died” Hark west! The wakened cry - “A new Sun born!” [This message has been edited by Aurelian (04-10-2007 07:53 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Joshua R. Tindell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! You know, for the most part I like your work very much, but this seems a little overwrought. I think what it is saying is "tomorrow is another day." It needs some focus. I may not be getting it completely, but I don't understand how the singular "bitter heart," in L3 becomes the "we" in L4. "Yet though we say in shadowlands..." Wha? And I think the sun is still coming up, so to speak, in the East. It if great that you seem to take your themes seriously. Jim |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Actually, this one's about death - that what we see as the end from our perspective is really only a new beginning - but maybe it is a bit overwrought - tell me what you think |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- The new title makes the suject much clearer. I clearly didn't "get it" on the first read. Just pickety pickety: "daystar" works, its fresh. "ageworn" doesn't. Combining the two words doesn't add any power to what is not a particularly fresh image. To see that daystar sinking down Through all the age worn hills, added a space and a comma. The bitter heart a dim fate grieves. added a period. This line with it's inversion, seems like an overwrought bit, word for the sake of words. Is the heart grieving for a dim (barely visible) fate, or grim fate? Yet though we say (it's said) in shadowlands, “The Sun has died” Hark west! I still yhink one looks East The wakened cry - “A new Sun born! How about "The Awakened... Just thinking at you, Jim |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
To see the daystar sinking down Below the age worn hills The bitter heart a grim fate mourns. Yet though it's said in shadowlands - “The Sun has died” Far west - The wakened cry - “A new Sun born!” I have to keep it "west." The idea is that at the same time our sun is setting - it is rising on people far to the west. I also like symbolism attached with the west - ever the new land to pioneer, and the place where dreamers through the ages have imagined paradises - the land where the sun lives at night. By the way Jim, thanks for commenting on this and other poems of mine - it's nice to know someone reads them. You can see I incorporated most of your other ideas in this revision - Josh |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Josh -- I think you nailed it. It's fun to meet anybody over 18 on this particular forum. Particularly fun to meet someone over 18 who has done their homework, that is, read and thought about poetry before sort of dripping lines onto a page. I think the kinds of things that you do, and the kind of things that I do are at opposite poles. This doesn't mean that I can't appreciate good work, no matter where it goes. Best, Jim |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
a concise read, perhaps even more concise would be - sunset, sunrise. To see the daystar sinking down sinking down - down is redundant. Below the age worn hills The bitter heart a grim fate mourns. bitter heart is a cliche, age worn hills is boring, imo. surely there is better imagry you can use here. grim fate does not sit too well with me either. sorry. Yet though it's said in shadowlands - “The Sun has died” Far west - The wakened cry - “A new Sun born!” the personifcation of a 'sun' new born has been done before, but this strophe is infinitely better then the first, imo. |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
SAMs "The Door of Death" claims victory for killing, the DayStar; yet knows Not that, the New DatStar brings Eternal Life. Reminds us of SAMs' "when U wALK on the rOAD wAYS" SAMs' crime rate is set ablaze, SAMs police the universe, yet peace alludes them; rather sick lust pursues them Reminds us of SAMs' "When Envelopes turn See Through" Only then tumbles, SAM into Hell fire; Reminds us of SAMs' "When undotted i's stumble" |
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