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Critical Analysis #2
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first timer here
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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first timer here |
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Robbie New Member
since 2007-04-08
Posts 8 |
This is really my first shot at a poem. I've written them for school and such, but never really tried to write one just for myself. Nor have I ever taken any writing classes, except for English of course. So please, tell me how it is and what I need to practice on, cuz undoubtedly there is much that needs practice. I can't even come up with a title  a wolf-cub new to this life his fur so clean white, innocent stretches his paws,yawns peeks his out of the den first glimpse of the world frightened by the wild, yet calmed by his mother a fawn, so feeble on new legs takes step, then falls only to try again and again until, success a destined couple brought together by fate sealed by love take on the hardships of life side by side,they overcome all that is thrown their way a step never missed heartbeat never skipped indeed, true love is so beautiful |
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| © Copyright 2007 Robbie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
a wolf-cub new to this life his fur so clean (stronger adjective than clean) white, innocent stretches his paws,yawns (describe yawns) peeks his out of the den (his what?) first glimpse of the world (what kind of glimpse?) frightened by the wild, yet calmed by his mother (what kind of mother?) a fawn, so feeble on new legs takes step, then falls only to try again and again until, success (she steps to success perhaps?) a destined couple brought together by fate sealed by love (sealed together) take on the hardships of life side by side,they overcome all that is thrown their way a step never missed heartbeat never skipped indeed, true love (this needs more meat) is so beautiful (so does this) Sorry for the less than substantial critique. I felt compelled to critique it. Nap time. You have potential, keep at it! Regards, -Paul |
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Robbie New Member
since 2007-04-08
Posts 8 |
Mmmk, thanks. Now that it is pointed out I can see what I need to change. But the whole meat thing, you do mean more to the line right? Heh, sorry for such denseness. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
wolf-cub new to this life his fur so clean (stronger adjective than clean) white, innocent (You do not need white I think because you already have innocent and that implies white. stretches his paws,yawns (describe yawns) peeks his out of the den (his what?) first glimpse of the world (what kind of glimpse?) frightened by the wild, yet (this line is has potential to be deep, describe what frightens him. calmed by his mother (what kind of mother?) a fawn, feeble on new legs takes a step, then falls(try something other than falls, like collapses, what does she fall on only to try again and again until,(I think you can take out this line and just have the'only to try again' and the last bit and it is fine. success (she steps to success perhaps?) a destined couple brought together by fate(if they are destined then it implies they are brought together by fate, but describe is this good, is fate good now or is it messing something up sealed by love (sealed together)[I think what he already had is fine actually, but maybe 'sealed by together by love take on the hardships of life(what hardships are there side by side,they overcome all that is thrown their way (which is what a step never missed heartbeat never skipped ( You could be more descriptive to describe this indeed, true love (this needs more meat) [I completely agree is so beautiful (so does this) (why is it beautiful? Its a good first poem. Welcome to PiP |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I disagree. I think that the straight forward nature of this one is clean and understandable. I don't think you gain anything from describing the yawn or the mother. Why can't I see the yawn and the mother in my mind's eye without being bothered by the writer? this is good. clean simple not over done. Welcome to PiP. we're glad you're here. Dane |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Ok, so the beginning of the poem is about a new born stepping into the wild, which is an ok idea. But, it then just drastically changed to a love poem in the last stanza. It doesn't describe the meeting of a partner, or who the love is. It seems to me like it's just kind of slapped on to the end. Also, I agree with the previous suggestions about making the descriptions more in depth. Basic is good at times, but with a poem about a cub stepping into the wild (a subject that has been ventured into many times before), the descriptive words are necessary to make the poem original, and creative. Otherwise it's boring to the reader. Especially one who's spent a lot of time reading poetry, who would have already came across this idea. Bare in mind, my goal is not to completely rip apart your idea, just saying it's too cliche to not include your own descriptions and elaborate on the individual ideas. Oh, and, welcome! (: |
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Robbie New Member
since 2007-04-08
Posts 8 |
Mmmk, thanks to all. Most the last one though. The others, thanks for the help with the poem, but what he/she posted was really what I was looking for. I shot into this whole poetry thing completly blind, n seeing that is quite helpful. For seeing the last stanza being slapped on, well yea, but not really. This whole this was sorta, slapped together I guess. I was bored, so I just started writing. Really about nothing, just whatever came to mind. N the whole cub thing was because I like the idea of writing about wolves. All because of White Fang. But really, it was written without any inspiration and sort of just to write it. Can yall point me in the direction of where I could get some help or teaching about poetry? I joined because I figured this would be a good place. Do yall know of any others? Ah, and I plan on takin creative writing next year as it is. I don't know what else I'm going to take. Ha. I'm lost at the school. I'm going to be a sophomore and I've got no plans for much of anything right now. *Taken care of Dane. Thanks for the warning. [This message has been edited by Robbie (04-12-2007 04:53 PM).] |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Robbie- WARNING Leave the IM speak for chatting with your friends. Dropping g's and using a single letter for a word will not fly here. Take yourself seriously and we will return the favor. Dane |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
One thing that's always good for new writers is just to look at other poetry, and absorb what you see. It helps to use metaphors, and imagery as much as possible. To find out about things like that, just google them and see what you find. Check out these sites- http://wwwstage.valpo.edu/english/vpr/mcdonaldessay.html http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?s=&threadid=9963 As far as the second link, I would suggest you do not post in those forums. Trust me. They will rip you apart. Good luck with writing. (: |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Check out the Teen forum |
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