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Critical Analysis #2
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A vengeful mind
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A vengeful mind |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
I lay here and try to forget they once were Like a shepherd who’s lost her sheep But the thoughts that plague my mind Leave my bound, unable to sleep My eyelids are unbearably heavy But my memories pull like a truck The clock is still vigorously ticking But time just seems to be stuck ~It's a short one. There was a third stanza, but it left the poem without a feeling of completeness. And I wasn't too fond of it anyways.. it was the only one of the stanzas that I really had to force. |
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| © Copyright 2007 TyroStar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I liked this! I usually don't care much for rhymed work, but I truly enjoyed this piece. |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Thank you very much. (: |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Couple notes: if its' a her, it should be shepherdess. 4th line should be me instead of my. Try to find other words for "unbearably" and "vigorously." Adverbs can be easy to overuse and they frequently take away from the "punch" and immediacy of the piece. All the best - Josh |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I think you might want to add a third stanza. I don't feel the length is giving us enough information. I get an incomplete picture. Sorta reminds me of Octavio Paz's "Sleep" He needed quite a few more words to get his thought across. Think in that direction. Dane |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Yeah, I read this over many times and never saw the my.. One of those things that I just knew what it should be, and saw it as if it were correct.. I'll start working on a third, maybe forth stanza. Thank you all. (: |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
"But my memories pull like a truck" -- great image. I agree with most of the comments made above in terms of cleaning it up a little, but I think, given that, it will probably stand as it is unless a third stanza takes it in an unexpected direction. Rhyming is good for the soul. In the rhymed work which appears in this forum, I find it interesting, or curious, that few folks, myself included, work with a longer line. It can be done quite well. One possible example is Emily Bronte's "Rememberance." It's an ABAB rhyme scheme, wonderful variation in the five beat lines, and, to the point, on a similar theme. If you want to continue to work with rhyme and structure, and certainly no reason not to, this might offer yet another avenue for expression. Good job! Jim |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Thank you all. I'm working on a third stanza soon. And of course, i'll be fixing all the grammatical errors. Also working on some word choice. [: |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
tyro - didn't get much out of this poem, some thoughts - I lay here and try to forget they once were Like a shepherd who’s lost her sheep okay, what is the context for the shepherd simile? besides, seems the shepherd would be out looking for his sheep. the theme of trying to forget isn't carried through the poem. But the thoughts that plague my mind what 'thoughts'? that's really vague. Leave m(e) bound, unable to sleep My eyelids are unbearably heavy But my memories pull like a truck where did the truck come from? it's fine to use similes to make comparisons, but they really aught to be in context with whatever the theme is here. as it is you've got a shepherd image and a truck, how are they linked to your threadbare theme? The clock is still vigorously ticking But time just seems to be stuck now it's over. you're opening line of trying to forget someone was never clarified. it's fine to be abstract, but there needs to be an underlying metaphor. this is too garbled. |
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