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revised- long nights displaced
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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revised- long nights displaced |
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18 Junior Member
since 2007-03-28
Posts 25 |
Long nights displaced 12:45 clock strikes call slow ante meridiem post affliction Moments grow as sheets slight crow sing mockery of alone Open windows yield night's fleeting ghosts riding cold solitude Ice falls upon empty spots under blankets lost of her embrace Absence bowed respite lace to rigid blanket ranges Wrinkled lights shade and illuminate pale cascades of ripping decadence Midnight skies bathe righteous lives alone and filthy Mistakes timeless grace reaps loathsome gazes on chilled plains and hollowed cascades Coursing despise traced dauntless templates where her body lay on nights and kept cold at bay Slept alone under frozen drapes cold in mockery of what you wanted Warmth was not her name so welcome the cold in wait of something more to offer [This message has been edited by 18 (04-08-2007 08:34 PM).] |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
12:45 clock strikes call slow ante meridiem post affliction (there are too many words, use one and sum it up towards the end of this line Moments grow as sheets slight (the) crowing mockery of (being) alone (that was just possibilities you could do. That just makesmore sense to me, but you can decide. It just didn't connect and make sense to me Open windows yield ?(to)? night's fleeting ghosts riding cold solitude (I really like that line, I love the images I get. Ice falls upon empty spots under blankets lost of her embrace (I still like that line Absence bowed respite lace to rigid blanket ranges (do you mean abstinence or absence? How does the absense bow respite lace? I do not get that Wrinkled lights shade and illuminate pale cascades of ripping decadence (also good line, but I would change ripping to something more poetic or more soft like the other words in the line Midnight skies bathe righteous lives alone and filthy (do you mean "bathe the righteous lives? If they are bathed why does that make them filthy Mistakes timeless grace reaps loathsome gazes on chilled plains and hollowed cascades (Put a apostrophe after the end of mistakes to make it belonging to the Mistakes) Coursing despise traced dauntless templates where her body lay on nights and kept cold at bay (Still do not get how coursing despice makes sense Slept alone under frozen drapes cold in mockery of what you wanted Warmth was not her name so welcome the cold in wait of something more to offer (Last line was too complicated for my taste but I really like this poem, and your style of writing |
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18 Junior Member
since 2007-03-28
Posts 25 |
12:45 clock strikes call slow ante meridiem post affliction (there are too many words, use one and sum it up towards the end of this line) Moments grow as sheets slight (the) crowing mockery of (being) alone (that was just possibilities you could do. That just makesmore sense to me, but you can decide. It just didn't connect and make sense to me) *slight means insignificant in this line and alone is beinged mocked in general Open windows yield ?(to)? night's fleeting ghosts riding cold solitude (I really like that line, I love the images I get. Ice falls upon empty spots under blankets lost of her embrace (I still like that line Absence bowed respite lace to rigid blanket ranges (do you mean abstinence or absence? How does the absense bow respite lace? I do not get that) *absence of this girl bowed or distorted his once comforting bed Wrinkled lights shade and illuminate pale cascades of ripping decadence (also good line, but I would change ripping to something more poetic or more soft like the other words in the line) *ripping is absolutely poetic to describe the affect his self-indulgence has on his life Midnight skies bathe *such* righteous lives alone and filthy (do you mean "bathe the righteous lives? If they are bathed why does that make them filthy) *im trying to say that night time covers him with the realization of himself being alone and despicable in being so righteous and self-justified Mistake*'*s timeless grace reaps loathsome gazes on chilled plains and hollowed cascades (Put a apostrophe after the end of mistakes to make it belonging to the Mistakes) *goodlookin Coursing despise traced dauntless templates where her body lay on nights and kept cold at bay (Still do not get how coursing despice makes sense) *he looks at her empty spot with despise which is such a strong feeling that it courses or moves through the spot leaving a mark of his hate Slept alone under frozen drapes cold in mockery of what you wanted Warmth was not her name so welcome the cold in wait of something more to offer (Last line was too complicated for my taste but I really like this poem, and your style of writing) *essentially im tryin to say she wasnt what he wanted so he would rather be cold then have her warmth thanks |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Thanks for the clarification |
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