From Mind-Made World to Mind-World

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Critical Analysis #2

From Mind-Made World to Mind-World

cypressmoon
New Member

since 2007-04-02

Posts 7

0 posted 2007-04-04 03:43 AM

From Mind-Made-World to Mind-World

The windowed wall let in
a tangerine, acidic light
sizzling through the powdered
foundation on the room.
A plastic tree dripped a citrus-
like pungency, emblazoned
the waxed apple green of the leaves,
and the sharpie black cracks of bark.

A peach-fuzzed orange rectangle
crept along the carpet,
Glinting with twitching stray strands,
and levitating luminescent dust.

An odor of rotten, brittle paper
hung, bundled like a pillow, in the air.
Sewn through it, was a chemical stink.

Careful crinkles through piles of leaves,
and rapid taps on keys were
thunking out of and plunking into a
glass-still sea of breath blowing
from vents above.

My legs were folded dead,
cradled over the table, like
robust vines wrapped on a roof.
My chin was burrowed into my chest.
Camus rested on my lungs.

My eyelids fell to a neon-orange glow.

The world I don’t know
soon drifted off completely
on the winds of the vent,
to leave me with only stains
from it’s substance.

Hey all. Thanks for reading. I'd appreciate any sort of response. Thanks again.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-04-04 08:41 PM

I like how you ended it -- though I think there's a better word for that than 'substance'.

Please, please, drop some of the adjectives.

cypressmoon
New Member

since 2007-04-02

Posts 7

2 posted 2007-04-04 10:16 PM

Thanks for the suggestions Brad. I'll see if I can throw away any extraneous adjectives. I think "substance" works though. It works both physically and meta-physically. It is both material, and meaning. As in substantial for instance. But maybe your right. Thanks again. Much appreciated.
Take care,
Will

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

3 posted 2007-04-06 04:31 AM

I liked the description but I think that the line
peach fuzzed orange rectangle

that you don't need orange but that is just my oppinion. And I agree about maybe finding a different word for substance, substance is too dry and your poem is not

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