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Critical Analysis #2

Basis.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-04-02 11:16 PM

You've painted
a room
with crows,
and a tree
of black
Paint based
on something.
But I
Have no basis
to be here.

So would you like
To paint
a henna tattoo
that is based
on something
or has a basis
to be somewhere,
on me
Or my ribcage?

(Simple, dumb, needs help. Help?)

[This message has been edited by viking_metal (04-03-2007 10:37 PM).]

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

1 posted 2007-04-03 01:21 AM

on the contrary, i don't think it needs much of anything...there were only a couple of things that caught me: the use of 'paint', and the idea of a tattoo on you (?)--it did not quite settle. i think i understand the intent, and think you are close.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-04-03 05:38 AM

I didn't think the last line worked very well but I liked the rest of it. The first stanza really all fit together. This only needs like tiny editing. Its pretty good

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

3 posted 2007-04-03 10:38 PM

Thanks guys.

-Paul

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