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Critical Analysis #2
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My rap song (untitled as of now)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My rap song (untitled as of now) |
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richie617 New Member
since 2007-03-26
Posts 4 |
yes, rap is a form of poetry (RAP = rhythm and POETRY) also, yes I know this forum is for constructive criticism, not for praise or anything. So, critique away! these are the 3 verses I have, I do not have a chorus for the song yet 1st Verse The past is permanent like the ink from my pen Thoughts stuck on rewind, playin again and again Unescapably they stalkin me to the end Evident in every word of every line that i've said guilt eatin me up cuz I continue to dwell Got me feelin like there's no way out of this hell like livin ya whole life bein confined to a cell Hope y'all are listenin cuz I got a story to tell These last few months aint been no walk in the park like huntin a black panther hidden into the dark I'm fallin apart and I Find it hard to forget But this is what it's like to live ya life wit regret 2nd Verse For every step I take forward, I take two steps back Don't know what I gotta do to get my life on track I'm on my knees beggin for god to give me the answer Nightmare of a man, worse than testicular cancer I aint here to play games, I didn't do this for fame I'm here to set my claim but it hurts just the same Writin my rhymes puts me into the right mentality But then like a rubberband, snap back to reality My demons follow me everywhere that I go Even while I was in the back rehearsing my flow They were right there wit me, I bet you didn't know Movin on is hard when you got no where to go 3rd Verse A true measure of a man is how deals with adversity if he can move on wit his life as if he was livin it perfectly a formality of reality, to which I can attest It aint gonna be easy but I know it's for the best I'm just here to get a little somethin off a my chest After this I hope to put these feelings to rest The pain and the drama I done been through it all But I can never give up I know I gotta stay strong So I'm pickin my head up and i'm holdin it high Refuse to sit back and watch my life passing me by I've made up my mind, so now it's time to unwind And i'm leavin nothin behind but the tears that i've cried |
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| © Copyright 2007 richie617 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
As a fan of hip-hop, as I am sure you are as well, I thought this was average. You had a good message, and god knows I could relate to most of what you said in this piece. The rhythm was good as well. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a fan of Immortal Technique.  The main problem with this piece is that you didn't really go anywhere nobody else has gone. Granted, you apparently decided to travel the path most traveled, which in itself is not a bad thing. It merely keeps this piece from creaming to the top. One thing that kept throwing me off was when you say "wit" instead of with, or "I done" instead of I have. Not that African-American-Vernacular-English (mouthful, isn't it) is a lesser form of language, because it isn't. It just kept on catching my eye, and keeping it there, and preventing me from keeping with the flow of the piece. The best advice I can give you is to work on some unique imagery, metaphor's, and analogies. Again, this wasn't bad at all...It could be better. |
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richie617 New Member
since 2007-03-26
Posts 4 |
thanks for the input bro, I really appreciated it and yes immortal technique is quite possibly my favorite rapper. His similes are sick, and some of the words he uses are words that you would never expect to hear from a rapper. It's really hard to do something that nobody has done, it seems like everything has been done already . But yes i'm going to take your advice to heart and try to make this piece better, and input a chorus |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
No problem. Good luck. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Re your comment "It's really hard to do something that nobody has done..." Jesus, ain't that the truth. On the other hand, it's also the whole point. I can't comment intelligently on the rap idiom because I don't get it. My problem. On the other hand, my wife collects obscure vinyl EP's from the likes of Butchwax Records and Luke Records (SOCIETY). She swears it's an art form and I trust her opinion. Ya just gotta keep on keepin' on. Jim |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
As a bit of a side note, I would be interested to see what other lyrics you have written (if any). |
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18 Junior Member
since 2007-03-28
Posts 25 |
ok im being straight forward with you. this rap isnt cat in the hat repetetive. the rhymes your using are predictable. truthfully i have no idea how to find the rhythym in your rappin= rhyme+poetry mumbo jumbo. if you dont have a beat in your head while your writing... youre screwed cuz the lines wont flow. also, when you write literature you have to write about what you know and the same applies to rapping. keep it real homeskrillit |
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richie617 New Member
since 2007-03-26
Posts 4 |
wat do u mean "wat u know"??? this is about something that I actually went through, its about personal experiences. Sorry, I think your going to have to explain a little bit better cuz i didnt understand some of what you said, sorry im kind of slow and sorry I don't have any thing else, yes im pretty new to rap |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Never use "u" on a poetry forum. Think of it as common courtesy. This is devoted to literary art and "u" is butchering it a bit. That's only my opinion though, stick to your guns. The rap was average, I agree the rhytym needs work. Poetry + Rythym = Meter and verse. Not rap. Rap is something else all together. Check out atmosphere, they have some MIND BLOWING lyrics. Good luck. -Paul |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
richie - if you are into rap and poetry, I would suggest reading the work of Miguel Pinero. it's not all about end-line rhymes (of which yours are somehwhat forced) Pinero uses repitition and sets up a rhythm within his work very effectively. Personally, I don't like modern rap, but Pinero is one of my favorite poets and is also, arguably, the precursor of the modern rap movement. regards, sampo |
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richie617 New Member
since 2007-03-26
Posts 4 |
no, rap does stand for Rhythm And Poetry, just like r&b stands for rhythm and blues. That's what rap comes from, its a fact. and what about the rhythm needs work, like what should I do to it??? and sorry about the u thing, im just so used to typing that way lol |
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