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Critical Analysis #2
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the demolition kid
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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the demolition kid |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
stars bob their heads in and out of the atmosphere. the pet shop boys announce - go west... my father veers his truck between pre-dawn buses, landing alongside a mcdonald sign on paramatta road. today, apartments grow there, but fifteen years ago there bloomed a golden M, thirty feet high. i smile out my window. father, glum at the prospect of taxis and glowing pale yellow from the dashboard gauges, he turns to me and asks; 'son, are you hungry?' - to work, in an alley off george street. sunlight leaks down the western walls; down the rear porches of first floor lofts, smeared in peeled apricots. 'first things first... son, let's learn to tie a sheepshank. afterwards, bring down the jackhammer, the grinder and the wheelbarrow, and try not to make so much noise; this is residential. can you handle this?' 'of course.' i prove to co-workers how many bricks i can wield in a wheelbarrow, up a flexi-board mountain. sixteen was my record at age eleven... ... the boss's son. gasps all 'round. - the rich man's restaurant; a mesh of gyprock, studs and brick. the centrepoint tower; a black prong in an amorphic skyline. the harbour bridge; half a web over a buzzing river... out back, the one way traffic and a white truck, etched in silver scars, leaning from the sidewalk into bitumen. - the stench of grease from central station outflanks the aroma of coffee beans being cracked open in michel's cafe. nevertheless, by ten a.m. i become the caffeine boy. a notepad in hand, my writing is uncursed and primitive; 2 s m, X 5. and for henry - an egg and bakan roll. a fifty crumples in my fist and i scamper through the metal nest. - the red afternoon tucks itself into a corner pocket of the earth. white ball, sinking colour into the landscape as i linger outside the ettamogah. it is one of those night jobs i concealed from mother. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Confused , it seemed jumbled. The emotions didn't flow very well. Wasn't till I reread the title that I understood what it was about. Try incorparting that into the poem. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
There is good imagery throughout this piece, which I see more as prose than poetry. You seem to be headed in the proper direction to make it an effective narrative. Thus, I feel you should first concentrate your efforts into cinching all those loose or dangling little stanzas into cohesive paragraphs to compact it a bit. Take care of the careless punctuation, adding caps where necessary. Hopefully other critics here will come along to add something more substantial than I can offer at this time. Take what advice works for you, discard the rest and keep at it. Sid |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
thanks for the comments. this poem recently got an honorable mention in an online comp, but i am still not sure about it. the transitions seem clunky in hindsight. as to the punctuation, well that never was my forte, but caps, i have always preferred uniform lower case. thanks again, sampo. |
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minus Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75 |
viva lower case! i use caps to really punch something in...it drives home a point very well with nothing around it... as for the poem, i liked it for a while. it took me to a place in the narrative, but i did not feel a part of it... it reminded me of what mark nepo does, as far as the reliance on subject(s) and event(s). every time i attempt something like this, i lose it before i find words to tell...good job. |
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