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Critical Analysis #2
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Madcap
New Member
since 2007-03-03
Posts 6


0 posted 2007-03-03 07:32 PM


Remember the lines from the white hallway? Colourful they were;
one was red firebrick, brique feu in French, and one olive drab
reminding me of very dirty vodka martinis with Chopin, straight up.
I will follow them barefoot and go home. I’ll be happy.

Treading around again, Evelyn is still smacking bruised hands to forehead trying to fling her demons against your wall.
Forget about me Evelyn,your cackle can’t break this ice
I'm bare foot for a reason, vacated
Passing by the Frigid places amongst
The plastic lime tiles
Set above a sulphuric smell.
Resounding stares - empty too - writhing past, another round down
Flat bottomed glass,
Flat bottomed glass.
Inconceivable minds aligning in a row
Pulsating rapidly against my vibe, a secret commune awash in a cocktail,
Of colourful treats.


(i would really appreciate some constructive comments on this work)

[This message has been edited by Madcap (03-05-2007 06:25 PM).]

© Copyright 2007 Madcap - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2007-03-04 02:26 PM


Make real sentences. Its too broken up and doesn't flow all that great. Connect it.
Madcap
New Member
since 2007-03-03
Posts 6

2 posted 2007-03-04 02:58 PM


Insanity tends not to flow well, but yeah i'll consider using stanza's
JenniferMaxwell
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Member Elite
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423

3 posted 2007-03-05 12:31 PM


Very haunting images. The only thing I might suggest is that centering the poem is a distraction and unnecessary - your words and images are precise and powerful enough to make the meaning clear.  
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
4 posted 2007-03-05 04:51 PM


Hi, If the purpose of poetry is to move people, this fits the bill.

Pickety, pickety:  There is a referential problem in the first stanza. "Remember" is an address to someone else.  If it is about YOUR memories, which I think it might be, since nobody else's memories crop up, you can fix it with "I remember..."  If it is a question to Evelyn, which makes sense in context since you address Evelyn directly later on, you can fix it with a question mark.  Or you could try "Remembering the lines.... and ending with a colon.

Spelling counts.  Olive drab is two words. "Sulpheric" is probably "sulphuric."

Why is "very colourful" more colourful than "colourful?"  A very dirty martini, however, IS different from a plain old dirty martini.

I don't think Evelyn is trying to throw her demons against my wall.  I think she's trying to throw them against your wall.

Last stanza breaks down.  How does a stare "writhe," let alone be resounding and empty at the same time?  Yeah, they could be resoundingly empty, but a stare is a stare because it doesn't wander.

For the the heck of it, I suggest an alternate ending.  All your words, minus a few bits.  Take it with a grain of salt.  Oh wait, that's for margaritas!

I'm barefoot for a reason, vacated
Passing by the Frigid places amongst
The plastic lime tiles
Set above a sulphuric smell.
Another round down.
Flat bottomed glass,
Flat bottomed glass.
A commune awash in a cocktail
Of colourful treats.

Jim


Madcap
New Member
since 2007-03-03
Posts 6

5 posted 2007-03-05 06:23 PM


Jim,

Thank-you you made some apt suggestions for this work. i'll correct the spelling, add an '?' to the first line. But the resounding bit will have to stay I think, as it means "expressed or 'performed' with emphasis" here; it should be even more astounding that they are empty stares. I'd like to change the tense in the line
....trying to fling her demons against your wall... but at the time I was experiencing this bit of my life, I was wishing (even praying) that it wasn't me she was focused on, but rather everyone. Thanks for pointing out the redundant use of 'Very' in Colourful, i'll change that first line as well. Additionally i like the repetition of "Flat bottomed glass"; it'll be used.  

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